Tag Archive | poem

Imprisoned

Life of pain, Life of fear

Not insane, but oh so near

Imprisoned here, broken brain

Twisted mirror, shattered remains

Needing no one, they take, she gives

Being no one, she fakes, they live

The sun will rise, she will open her eyes

Like every day before

She stifles the tune her heart wants to hum

Looks to the sky, lets out a sigh

Ignores the chore

That breathing has become

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Growing Pains

I learned

so long ago

that I am the only one

that can protect me.

 

I learned

recently

that it is possible to protect

oneself too completely.

That growth and love and joy

only happen

with vulnerability.

And pain.

Which Me to Be

In my quest to be me
I am often confused
on which me to be
which me do I choose?

I’m tired of pretending
hate letting it go,
hate white lies, truth bending
Useless, infuriating status quo.

I’m supposed to play nice
Look the other way
get through it, some advice
hey – don’t ruin the day

I can’t help but to ponder
if more days don’t need ruined?

Would anyone listen, would anyone get it
if I told them my feelings
would it help? or would I regret it?
to send them all reeling
to shake up their worlds
to ignore social rules blatantly
let chaos unfurl?

What I’m proposing
has never been done
What I’m supposing
is it would be great fun

for me

to shed this nice girl persona
and tell them all

I think they are

childish
selfish
petty
whiny
negative
greedy
vindictive
callous
two-faced
lost souls

chasing nonexistent cheese in an unwinnable rat race!

Would they smile and nod politely
while inwardly planning to smite me?

Would they tell me It’s ok
while quickly walking away?

Would they shrug and ignore me
and stick to their story?

Would they express sorrow
for the girl without etiquette, that pitiful girl
would they forget me tomorrow
or burn my ears in the gossip whirl?

We all went to school, and some went to college
but some of us were taught to never acknowledge
what we see and we know and we think and we feel
For the sake of peace keeping, we must never be real.

So here is my conflict, for I truly do care
about the people in this world, everywhere.
But each step I take
on my healing path
shows a decision I must make
about moving forward, or going back

If I keep moving ahead,
must I leave the rest behind?
Find the strength to feign I’m braindead
play opossum with my mind?

My choices I have three, though none of them good
stay home, safe and sound, no need for attack
go out with my blinders and muzzle, like a good girl should
go out fists up and tongue sharpened, but integrity intact

cat-muzzle

blinded and muzzled (Photo credit: ikes)

—————————————————————————————————————————

This is my feelings about some upcoming social events I must attend. I know I am supposed to be happy to be invited, to feel joy in being together, to cherish the memories. But I don’t. I can think as positive as I want, but it won’t change the other people. I have to either stay home and avoid it altogether, which end sup hurting someone’s feelings that I didn’t come, or worries someone else and makes them ask questions. Or I can go, try not to get involved, ignore the nasty things I hear, ignore the negative energy, resist the urge to ask them why, resist the urge to steer conversation and just try to make it through the hours.

Or I can go and tell them the truth. No – I don’t like the same TV shows, I hate sports, No I didn’t think that commercial was funny, and actually I didn’t even see it but it sounds idiotic, Yes I am wearing the same outfit as last time because I only own two socially acceptable outfits for this type of occasion because I hate shopping, yes I hate shopping, so no I did not see that sale on shoes, and I have practical shoes, and enough shoes but yes your new shoes are cute, and no I have never been to a spa or had a manicure, because I don’t want people to touch me because I may get triggered and spiral into depression and have flashbacks of my abuse, and I would never waste my money like that but yes I think your nails are pretty and I don’t mind that you go, I’m happy it makes you happy, but I do wonder how you get any work done with pretty nails like that, mine would be worn off in 2 days I think, and yes I see that you are tired because you are so busy running your kids all around town being a better mom than me, from this event to that practice, no I didn’t mind the snow last week because I never went outside and my house is warm and it is actually very pretty, but the snow days off of school were tough because I work from home and had to keep the kids quiet while I was on the phone, yes I like my new job but only in the fact that it pays me, I’m afraid I’ll never be paid what I am worth and if I try for a promotion I may have to soul my soul, and I just put my soul back together so I really want to hold onto it for a while, but we basically have ennough money so it is working out, no I don’t like your new candle because it makes me wheeze and makes my head hurt, but the color is very pretty, and I would like to set my hair on fire and see if anyone notices and because the ER would be less painful than this conversation, and no I don’t think you have any right to complain about your husband who is a good man and trying his best and that you should tell him you are upset and work it out and not tell all of us, and no I don’t want to listen to how you think your sister-in-law is being inconsiderate because you should talk to her about it and not to me, and yes my kids all have good grades and are healthy, oh I’m sorry to hear yours is not doing well in reading, oh really your daughter got first place, that is great for her, oh by the way your kids are crying because the older one hit the younger one and the younger one kicked him back because all of the adults are busy having grown up discussions, and no I didn’t hear that your cat is on Prozac and you got a special device to shove pills down her throat 3 times a day, no, I’m not on prozac or any meds right, oh you take extra vitamins for your headaches, but you still have headaches, what a shame, I had a headache a couple of weeks ago, yes when I wasn’t returning your phone calls, yes I wanted to die, I was lying around the house wishing to die, no I’m not suicidal but I have been very depressed, PTSD flare up I guess, oh yes you are depressed too, because we have had so much snow this winter,  yes that is exactly the same thing, no that doesn’t trivialize my pain at all, and you should know older child is feeding off your bad energy and only cries when you are indecisive and make them think they get something and then take it away last minute, and yes I think you are crazy to let your 10 year old son sleep in your bed, and no I don’t care what kind of diet you created for yourself, but if it makes you feel better than yes I think you should stick to it even if it costs more money I guess, and no I don’t want to go camping with you guys, for so many reasons, but mainly I like to hike alone and listen to nature, not to be trapped in a forest with all of this nonstop talking, and sorry you don’t think I spend enough money on you, but I don’t equate love with money, and even though I am frustrated and don’t actually enjoy speaking to any of you, because I can’t help judging and wondering why you all care about these things, and why I don’t care, but I do actually love you all. But if it is easier for you to think I am quiet because I am sad and can’t get over my past, or even that I’m the crazy bitch, that is fine, because I don’t care what you think about me. I hope you find what you are looking for, if you ever slow down enough to think about it. Yes, have a good weekend, drive safe, see you next time and we can have the exact same conversation again, if I choose to come. I may not be feeling well that day. No, please don’t follow me to the car, I have nothing else to say. I’m fine. Good Night. I love you and and I’m so happy this event is over. Yay!

I wrote it without paragraphs because that is how one those events seem to me, nonstop chatter about nothing, and all the same nothings every time. I don’t get it.

I ache to be real, to be me, and find other real people.

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Spammed by JB

Best Spam ever today, it came from Justin Beiber!!

I am weak in the knees! JB spammed me!!

I am weak in the knees! JB spammed me!!

So here you have it, breaking news, my little blog has not only attracted celebrity attention, but it also given him everything he ever needed to know on the subject of mental health labels. My life feels so full and complete now! 🙂

I’m guessing Justin (the data miner) must have read my daughter’s poem that I posted in that napowrimo challenge last year. Isn’t the interwoven web so amazing? We can reach unexpected audiences, lol

Here is my daughter’s poem in case you missed it or would like to read it again.

Justin Bieber performing at the Conseco Fieldhouse

Justin Bieber performing at the Conseco Fieldhouse – He does seem to be in some sort of cage here, sure hope my post helped him 😉 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

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Weary Warrior Wanting

Fog

Fighting the darkness (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

I should be happy. I should be grateful. Not so weary, not so hateful.

Guilt. Shame. Always return. More to learn.

Mindfully loving moments. Joy! Dreading the moments between moments. Darkness.

Letting go of what I can not control. Yearning control of what I should control.

Controlled by shoulds.

Avoiding the void. Step out, fall in. Darkness wins.

Might. Fight. Step out again.

Weary warrior wanting. Watchful.

Looking for the right, the light. No rest, must fight. Ever haunted, endlessly taunted.

Life on the border, such disorder, battle the night, keep sight of the light.

 

 

 

Destructive Thoughts – Poem (author unknown)

I found this poem at http://bandbacktogether.com/post/3834/ by an anonymous blogger there and wanted to share it here. It describes the thoughts of someone stuck in self-loathing. Thankfully I only visit these thoughts now, no longer stuck there.

 

A Poem for my Thoughts

Serenity from this surreality

I want freedom from my mind,

But the clock keeps ticking and tocking,

Destination? Destruction!

My thoughts being the cuckoo that never shuts up,

Smashing the side of my skull,

Scraping away at any hanging hope.

It never shuts up!

 

For you see the world is a stranger,

Callously creeping from a deep chasm in the darkness of a desolate alley,

Silently stalking,

Watching, but never comforting.

My cuckoo is the only thing I have,

As I desperately delve deep down

For any unconsuming consciousness or concupiscence.

The only thing I have!

 

Hitting like a hammer, on and on it hounds, hating and hurting,

Thump- You don’t want to be

Thump- You’ll never make it

Thump- You don’t belong

Thump- You shouldn’t be,

I am a big square box squeezing into a small circular bucket,

I am a person.

But not as I should be!

 

Battle – Poem 29/30

 

Malignant and menacing, the moon exposed,

Deadly and deplorable, death superimposed,

grotesque and gruesome, prowling at night,

formidable figure, terrible fright.

What creature is this? standing alone,

mangled flesh, distorted bone.

Was it a man? Is it one still?

Dare to examine, feel the chill

What is life? An illusion, a shadow, a story. ...

shadow and light (Photo credit: legends2k)

when soul sees soul-less eyes.

Need to run, yet compelled to stay.

For curiosity, you will pay.

Horrendous and hideous, all that it shows.

Devastation and degeneration, all that it knows.

Appallingly awful, existence denied.

Sinister and shocking, no where to hide.

Eminent battle, must be prepared.

Only the strongest has chance to be spared.

Forget weapons, no gun, no sword

useless – for gore can’t be gored.

One, only one, thing it has not

the light of a soul, can’t be fought.

The good within will always win.

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(c) 2013 Roots To Blossom

 

This was my attempt at a cacophony.  It was supposed to be dark and rough, and use dissonance and create an eerie feeling. I was going to end the poem after ‘only the strongest has chance to be spared’, but I couldn’t leave it that way, so uncertain.  So I had to un-cacophony it and add some hope. I had fun with the dark imagery, but light had to win in the end. The foul creature in this poem could be anything in life that tends to dim our inner light, and I think it will represent something different to each reader.