Tag Archive | overwhelmed

Behind Sad Eyes, Green Eyes, Blue Eyes

I’ve had the echo of a song in my head for days and was struggling to place it. My memory gaps have hit especially hard in the musical and lyrics area. I can no longer sing along to songs I’ve known my entire life. I kept getting the phrase about sad eyes and this haunting melody, and thanks to the miracle of google I figured out it was The Who “Behind Blue Eyes”. Makes sense I made it sad in my memory since this song expresses such pain. My eyes are not blue, they are green, but they are sad, always sad, even when I smile and laugh, the sadness never disappears. I see it in the mirror, I see it in every picture, others see it too – if they actually look.

I wanted to share the song here, and I found a lovely cover instead, by Janet Devlin, who may be a magical Irish elf, her voice gives me chills. Be sure to check out her other songs when you get a chance. Her singing this song gave more meaning to me. I look a bit like her. Or I used to, a few years ago. When I visited Ireland everyone thought I belonged there, finally no one thought I was too pale. My hair was redder before the whites took over and I had to color it browner than my natural shade, because I’m allergic to red dye, of course.

Anyways, here’s the song, have a listen, then I’ll talk about why its on my mind.

I am not well. I am not doing well. I am not feeling well.

I need to find a way out of this hole. I’m not sure that this is depression exactly, as I’m eating well, exercising, have good hygiene, going through all the motions that usually stop when depression hits. Some of the grief has lifted for losing my parents so that has actually improved.

But my attitude is terrible. I’m angry, irritable, annoyed at the world. I really don’t want bothered. I’m finding every human to be a huge nuisance and I keep them as far from me as possible.

My life is difficult. I spend my days doing physical therapy, brain rehab, and vestibular balance exercises – all to keep from getting worse – nothing seems to be improving. I’m tired from this constant effort and getting nowhere. But if I stop I do decline rapidly, so I know its important. My knee complaining in its brace and my new sciatic pain is proof of that. I have to keep up my strength and flexibility or I hurt myself when I try to do something so outrageous, ya know, like walk on a slightly uneven path to take a photo of a wildflower. That was over a week ago and I’m still in so much pain I can barely walk across a room. I am waiting to see an ortho for the nice popping sound my knee is making.

Yes I’m complaining. I’m in a sorry state of mind, a dark, foul pit. I don’t like it here. But I can’t pretend I’m not here and conjure up some rainbows.

I stopped at the liquor store the other day, held the bottle in my hand, put it back on the shelf, and went back out to my car to cry. I have not used alcohol to escape or hurt myself in years. I was very close to it. I wanted some freedom to not feel like this. But I know it will hurt me, cost me loads in recovery, and cost my family too. So I put it back.

It seems my only tool is distraction in the form of video games, netflix, and sleep. I can’t keep up on the video games any more, so I play them and try not to care that I don’t do well, my reactions are so slow now, my visual processing delayed. I exist in this zombie state of tv and light sleep mainly that passes the time when I can’t do anything else.

I actually hate my life. I do not look forward to anything. I hate that I wake up each day. I try to be grateful and feel horrible that I genuinely am not. I don’t want this. Yes I know it could be worse. I could be blind or deaf or in a wheel chair. I don’t feel grateful to sort of be able to kind of walk a little.

My daughter was being silly this morning, and for a normal human this would have been silly. They were ringing a bell and placing it on each other. She got it ringing and came up behind me and touched it to my ear. I screamed in pain and lost my balance, barely catching myself on the counter. It is hours later and I can still feel the fullness in my ear, the tingling in my face, the pain in my head, and the after effects of that much adrenaline. I nearly blacked out. From a random sound near my ear. Yes the doctors have documented all sorts of abnormal acoustic reflexes for me that activate my central nervous system. No the doctors can’t do a damn thing about it. My daughter was scared to death by my reaction and I had to minimize the pain I actually felt, try to gather myself together, recover, and get them off to school with partial tunnel/slanted vision. Sometimes I’m not sure I should be driving like this, but I seem to be able to see through it as long as I’m careful. I never take chances, I wait until no cars are there before I pull out. Sometimes I can’t see well enough, and then I don’t drive. My ears are still ringing, screaming from this morning. My nerves have otherwise mostly calmed back down.

I hate living like this. How am I suppose to heal from PTSD when my world is actually hazardous to me, when ordinary objects: sights, smells, sounds – can overload my brain and ruin my day in a second? So yeah. I am paranoid. Looking for things that will hurt me, make it so I might not be able to walk or drive home. I have gotten stranded too many times. I have people relying on me, with schedules, or it might not be so bad to be patient and wait it out.

New doc adds chronic pain syndrome. Basically means I’m a nervous wreck. Yeah seems to fit.

I’ve just been stuck here too long. 3 years now since I stopped working. I’m in the middle of applying for disability which is not a fun process listing everything wrong with you. I know that’s part of this dark mood, that horrible paperwork.

Another part I still the constant stress from Hubby and this broken relationship. Most days right now my dislike and resentment for him border on hate. I have repeatedly told him I have no feelings for him and he continues to try to get affection from me. I have no where to go, no money, no family. I can’t leave him and he won’t go, so I am stuck in this house with him. We try to be good to each other, make a pleasant home for the kids while giving each other space. But then he gets lonely and “forgets” some of my biggest triggers, like touching me while I’m sleeping. He did it again this morning. Maybe another wife would like to be woken up with a foot rub, but for me it is terrifying, and I hate having to tell him to stop, and I hate the mental workout it takes me to be able to say stop, and I hate the anger I feel, and I hate the fear, and I hate the fatigue that comes afterward. Just leave me alone.

I feel like other people get a break from stupid life, get to enjoy things like games, concerts, movies, festivals, amusement parks, sports, camping, boating, painting, writing, reading.

I have nothing. I can’t tolerate anything for long. I lost my ability to create, and I can barely experience what others have created without causing myself pain. I’m trying to find balance….trying….but these scales seem tipped, not in my favor at the moment and I don’t know if my rotten attitude is blocking the solution or this is how it has to be.

Advertisements

emotional overload, again

I started outpatient physical therapy to help strengthen and balance my back and legs after my surgery. I knew this was likely to trigger flashbacks from teenage PT, me learning to walk again after my first surgery. And it did. It was hard, but I think I managed well. I made sure I had a female therapist when I made the appointment to decrease my anxiety about someone touching me. I kept myself grounded by telling myself the year, that I am a mom, listing things I could make for lunch.
Session went well, whenever I was triggered, I just brought myself back and instead of telling myself I am a stupid freak, I told myself it was understandable this situation was triggering.

Big trigger when she videotaped me walking. Teen PT did that with me in a swimsuit. Teen lawyers did that to prove my freakyness for AF’s malpractice suit against my surgeon. Both were horrible, humiliating times I was not in control and no one could help me. But some breathing and grounding got me through it. I know she noticed something wrong, but I think she thought I was embarrassed, tired from our workout, but not triggered. She assured me my face would not be in the video, only legs for gait analysis, and that it will help her design my care plan.

She was completely awesome. This PT lady was smart, had empathy, had no trouble with my questions or my special requests.

Near the end of the hour, we started discussing how my leg previously never had any muscle retention. That I worked furiously each day to keep it from sliding backwards, yet I woke up each morning weaker again, no growth, no tone, because of improper nerve signals.

She tested my spatial recognition, my proprioreceptors by forcing me to look away and keep my hands off my leg during the motions. It feels wrong, and a bit dizzying, but if I concentrate, I can do this. This is new from the recent surgery decompressing the spinal nerves. 

PT lady said with this, it is possible that new muscle can now be rebuilt, actual progress and forward potential after being stuck for 27 years. I am still too afraid to hope for this, even though I am already seeing small gains since the surgery. Seeing should be believing, but I know too much that seeing can be deceptive also.

Hope for someone like me, does not come easily, and has a huge cost when things don’t work out. So I remain safely curious. Curiosity keeps me moving and trying – without fear of devastation.

Except I felt a little hope with her words. No matter how much I tried not to.

Then I felt foolish and afraid for feeling hope.

Then I wanted to share my hope with my mom.

That’s when I brokedown. Too much. I made it to my car and cried. Oh mom, how much I wanted to share GOOD news with you….no matter how troubled our past, I do know the pain you felt when I was paralyzed. I somehow thought this news might heal some of that pain, bring us closer. Perhaps not, but I will never know. Just know I forgive your mistreatment of me when I could not walk, I think you did your best to cope and only had denial. 

So I started PT, had several flashbacks, remained grounded while being touched, let myself feel some hope by accident, and I missed my mom.

A full day…all in an hour.

Migraine system overload

I seem to have an emergency stop button, instead of staples big red easy button somewhere in my brain I have a kill switch. With very little warning, other than sudden extreme fatigue, and a sense of complete overwhelm and being unable to make a  simple decision ,(like what sounds good for dinner) my brain ceases to function. I get so sleepy I go find the nearest spot to lay down.

Today I did not sleep as long, maybe an hour, but still awoke with right side pain, twitches and weakness. All minor in comparison to what it could be. Took some motrin, aspirin and coffee and rubbed my arm.

This attack was not accompanied by any memories or flashbacks. Prior to the overwhelm feeling, I was planning my schedule and looking at the calendar for the next few weeks. The PTSD intensive therapy program finally has an opening and I was figuring out how to get there and have kids taken care of. This program is going to be 9 hrs a week of therapy, plus nearly 6 hrs of driving there and back. Lots to arrange.

And then kiddos have social events on the calendar, other sports stuff, dentists, and then oh wow school will be starting….

I only had one underlying thought. I can’t. What if I can’t keep up. I can’t do all of this. They need me too much. How can I go and be all vulnerable and wiped out in intensive therapy and have anything left for my kids?

I’m not enough. I already feel empty.

Then hubby said to everyone we were going out to eat. Kids said yay!  I couldn’t see how I could possibly brush my hair I was so tired, just had to lay down.

Can these negative thoughts trigger a migraine ? I was out instantly. I woke up to hubby making dinner in the kitchen and a very grumpy kiddo giving me some guilt.

Hubby and I seem to tease and torment kiddos, never being connected or on same page. I wish he could see the migraine coming on and didn’t announce to kiddos about dinner. We did have a teachable moment about not always getting what you want or expect and how to handle disappointment… But it didn’t change how I felt inside, so stupid and weak.