Tag Archive | lost

Running, running

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Running, running to catch a star
She needs to go, go so far
away
from there and here
she is
Blindly leaping, crazed, and dazed
Idiots they are amazed
by her
They are running, running to catch a lie
stick a needle in your eye
promises broken, again she cries
screaming silently, can’t you hear
from there and here
she is
Running, running to catch a thief
A stolen life, eternal grief
lost
before being found
Her shooting star, was shot down
nearly lifeless to the ground
Running, running, to catch release
She needs to find that life can cease
to chase her
from there and here
She is
Blindly leaping, abused and bruised
lost and confused
seeking
only
peace

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Ever feel lost?

I have been loving this song, so pure, simple and beatiful. A girl and a piano uses themes from Peter Pan to explore being lost and found and escaping reality.

How many of us have been on the run, searching for home and family, trying to both escape and be found too? This song gives me chills every time I hear it. Her voice is lovely but it is more than that. It is bittersweet. Sad yet hopeful too. 

How many nights did I stare stare at the moon, wishing it would take me out of my room. How many days I played in the woods, living in worlds from my books or my own creation, to delay going home.

Yes I too am a lost boy, thanks for this Ruth B.

The song is Lost Boy by Ruth B

There was a time when I was alone
Nowhere to go and no place to call home
My only friend was the man in the moon
And even sometimes he would go away, too

Then one night, as I closed my eyes,
I saw a shadow flying high
He came to me with the sweetest smile
Told me he wanted to talk for awhile
He said, “Peter Pan. That’s what they call me.
I promise that you’ll never be lonely.”
And ever since that day…

I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we’re bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
“Run, run, lost boy,” they say to me,
“Away from all of reality.”

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe
Believe in him and believe in me
Together we will fly away in a cloud of green
To your beautiful destiny
As we soared above the town that never loved me
I realized I finally had a family
Soon enough we reached Neverland
Peacefully my feet hit the sand
And ever since that day…

I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we’re bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
“Run, run, lost boy,” they say to me,
“Away from all of reality.”

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

Peter Pan, Tinker Bell, Wendy Darling,
Even Captain Hook.
You are my perfect story book
Neverland, I love you so,
You are now my home sweet home
Forever a lost boy at last

And for always I will say…

I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we’re bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
“Run, run, lost boy,” they say to me,
“Away from all of reality.”

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

What if this is realism

What if depression is really an acute case of realism? What if I have lost the ability to delusional like everyone out there chasing the american delusion err I mean dream?  Am I mentally ill because I see corruption everywhere? Am I diseased because I’m not greedy, incapable of lying or hurting others to get ahead? 

Am I more or less evolved?  I am failing survival of the fittest. I don’t want to compete at all. I no longer believe in an honest dollar. I can barely get an honest penny.

I see no way out of this, which is depressing. I wish I could buy blinders and get back in the endless hamster wheel. I wish I could be satisfied running and KNOWING it is getting me nowhere.

I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to save the world. I want to sign the worlds DNR. It is too far gone. People are a terrible experiment gone wrong. Rushing about, working at jobs we hate to afford food full of toxins and houses full of stuff. Too tired and busy each night to even spend time with anyone. Too stressed to unwind. No time to clean or cook, no energy anyway if we do have time.

I’m here in a hotel room trying to recover from my toxic life in 3 days. No pressure. And then I can supposedly jump back in. Getting off the hamster wheel is helping my headache, but is filling me with dread of returning.

My entire view of humanity is soured. I’m a sellout. I’m working for an unethical man because the pay is decent. Not even great, just decent. I hate this but I feel stuck. I am searching for a new job, but also know that every CEO is unethical. You must be somewhat greedy and slimy to be on top. I don’t want to be on top. I just want enough not to struggle.

I wish I could unlearn my life lessons. I wish people would prove me wrong, even once. I’m doing my best not to share this reality with my kids. Even though I’m not sure I shouldn’t. Is it better to let them dream now and have it crushed later? 

Even though I was lied to daily as a child, I still believed this dream was accessible. I went off to college and was unable to join their corrupt world. When I saw students praised for cheating, bribing professors, stealing my work, getting grades because daddy had money. No wonder depression grabbed me. Everything I worked so hard to escape running rampant in an ivy league school.

The education system is designed to make conformists and competitors. Not thinkers and teams.

The health system is full of quacks getting pharmaceutical kickbacks. Mental health system is a nightmare dehumanizing not healing.

Insurance is a scam we are forced to buy.

Rest may not be good for me after all. Need to go back to escaping these thoughts, pretending the dream is real and reality is not so bad and that one person can make a difference. I’ve been doing exactly that for 18 exhausting years. Need a new direction. So lost.

So I’m headed back to the hot tub to attempt not to think. To remove years of stress and pain so I can rejoin my real life. Sigh.

Staying put when lost only works in the supermarket

I’m lost. This phrase keeps popping into my head. And then I hear my mom’s voice telling me as a child in the supermarket, if you get lost just stay put and I’ll find you.

I can’t help but think how terrible that advice is for anyone lost in life. If I stay put right now, I will only sink deeper in the rut.

I want to keep moving, anywhere but here, and see where I end up. Because here is not gonna do. I don’t know which way to go. I don’t see the yellow brick road.

You can’t get there from here. I keep hearing that phrase too.

Is it too late? I can’t go back the way I came.

The worst part is I don’t even know what I’m looking for. So each day I keep going, pick a direction, any direction, and see what happens. Will I ever find where I belong? I’ve found many places where I fit in, where I function, where mediocrity rules the day. Blah. I want to find something so important to me that I can’t imagine a day without it.

Right now – nothing really matters.