Tag Archive | keep moving


What is this new feeling I have lately? It seems to be a new flavor, a mixture of several. I’m feeling calmer, not exactly at peace, but not so turbulent either. The sadness is still there, a deep underlying sadness that I’m sure will always be there. I have less anger.  I have less ambition and determination, less fight in me. I think this is a good transformation, or if not good as I don’t like weighing in with good and bad, lets say a necessary transformation, though it feels odd.

I think perhaps my spirit is finally broken, tamed, like a wild horse, I have been broken. Even more, I’m the wild horse forced to live out its days on a carousel. carousel-1703273_1920.jpgI am resigned to live my new life, accepting the constraints of the saddle and bridle and staying within the limits set upon me. I’ve been trying to be free for far too long. I don’t need freedom to do good. There is much I can do from here and it will have to be enough. I can be grateful to keep moving, if only in circles.

I searched for words for this feeling and I read the synonyms for resigned, I feel this is exactly where I am right now. Look at this list…tame, agreeable, long-suffering, stoical, patient, tolerant, gentle, quiet, ready…I could describe how each of these words fits me.


A few days ago this feeling settled in and said hello. I’ll describe that day here, because it has taken me several days to say hello back.

I can’t rely on my memory any more. When smartphones first came out I ridiculed people for spending so much money on a device. Now I can’t live without mine, as it truly thinks for me, reminding me all day long about what I’m supposed to be doing. So I check it as usual and see kiddo has a baseball game. No problem. No other conflicts. I know I may have to drive him, so I plan my time so that I am rested.

When he gets home from school I look again and see it is an away game at a ballpark I am unfamiliar with..and I map it and see it will take nearly an hour to get there. I remain calm as I tell kiddo we have to leave very soon. He asks for his uniform. Crap. I forgot to wash it. All my checking on the game and calendar nothing jogged my memory for this detail. So I add “wash baseball uniform” to my calendar so I don’t forget again and he has to wear it dirty for this game, luckily he didn’t do much sliding it didn’t look terrible.

I throw away my feeling of failure, no time for that. I feel calm again. Kiddo needs a snack. Make him a sandwich to eat in the car, except I forgot to go shopping, used up the bread this morning. Crap. quickly slice some cheese and grab pretzels. That feeling in my stomach again, like I should be doing better, but I have to ignore that. I make coffee while he gets dressed.

Out in the car my phone wont let me get the address for the gps. We are already late. I can’t think clearly. I call hubby from the driveway for the address. I enter it the address and pull out while it it loading. But then I can’t see the screen on my phone. I hand the phone to kiddo and ask him to adjust the brightness, I had it turned way down and couldn’t see it in the sun. He didn’t know how. What? How does he not know this, its just just his kindle, but I have no time to feel irritated. At the next red light I adjust the phone myself and see the gps is still not loaded. I know I have to get on the highway but I have no idea where to go after that. Anxiety is rising. Breathe. Its okay. I pull over and really look at my phone. I notice the cellular data is turned off…oh yeah, I did that at his last game when I was playing a game on my phone and didn’t want to use data. Crap. That has been off for 3 days.

I turn data back on and my phone blows up with all the queued MMS texts that could not come through. Crap. All that missed info – yup, thats why I didn’t know his last practice was a different time, and so much from school, but no time now to feel stupid. GPS is loading finally so I get back on the road. I don’t look at the clock. We are late, I already know we are late, and the clock won’t change that and I don’t want to feel nervous while driving. Kiddo is chatting about his school day. I can barely understand him, my head is racing and I have to focus on driving, but I say “uh-huh” a few times.

We make it off the highway, and into these terrible, but beautiful, twisty turny hilly roads. I’m getting motion sick and driving slower than the speed limit. Crap. We are so late and I can’t even drive full speed. We go through forest lined roads, past green mucky ponds, further into the valley. We make it to the ballpark, and can’t find his team, there are several fields and games. We spot his uniform color and I see the closest parking lot is full, so I continue on. We got there. Sigh of relief. He grabs his gear and heads to the field. I stay in the car.

Why do I stay in the car? So many reasons, where to start.

  1. my limp. Okay so this place is full of steep hills and slippery gravel. I did not want to attempt that steep hill and the only other way that was not so steep was about a quarter mile away and through the grass fields, still difficult. Even with my walking stick and new knee brace, these distances look like miles and miles to me, it is just so difficult to walk across. And I feel stupid, like everyone must see me coming.
  2. neuro issues. It was hot out and no shady places to sit even if I did manage to get myself down there, so I stay in car with AC running, my meds make me dangerously heat intolerant on top of the struggles I have to self regulate due to nerve damage. Sitting in full sun also triggers migraines
  3. my limp and social issues. no places to sit at all, I would have to carry my own chair which would be very difficult on the already difficult terrain. If I had ever spoken to the other parents, yes I’m sure one of them would carry a chair for me, but then I feel like I would be stuck sitting with that person and forced to be social. I can barely manage my own life I don’t want to hear about theirs, it is too much, never knowing what people might share or ask me.
  4. anxiety. If I managed to get myself down there and find a place to sit, I didn’t see any place to be quiet. Some of his games I can put a chair at the end of the line of parents off by myself enough that I feel I have my own space. But here with so many games going on at once, cars and people constantly coming and going, There was no way to position myself safely, I’d be jumpy and startled the entire time, and I can’t do that – I have to drive back home
  5. mental fatigue. I can’t pay attention to the game. Sorry kiddo, I’m proud of you for working hard, but baseball is dreadfully boring and I have no clue what is happening even when I do try to focus it makes no sense and my mind wanders. I usually bring my camera when I sit near the game but in my car I can close my eyes, read a little, play a game on my phone. And they last for hours, too exhausting to pay attention that long to anything. So I try to watch for when its his turn at bat and a few key plays when I hear the crowd get excited, otherwise I reserve my energy for the return drive

Thats about it I think, though I think I jumbled them up a bit even though I tried to organize it in a nice numbered list, hope it makes sense.

I’m just trying to illustrate how this simple task of getting my kid to his game is not simple for me. I can barely do it. I try to be grateful that I can still do it, at least be useful and get him where he needs to be. But it is difficult to watch the other healthy parents, hooting and hollering, running down that gravel covered hill like its nothing, carrying chairs and coolers, sitting and chatting with their friends, they seem to really enjoy the experience. I don’t know this, of course. I’m only giving my observations and they seem to enjoy the game and the social time with the other parents. I’m not a part of that world. I live in a different one. Am I jealous of the other parents? In some ways, yes that is likely what I am feeling. Anger that my life is so difficult. But I can’t stay there long or it festers. Acknowledge and keep moving because life does not slow down for me.

My life is often surreal. Like I’m in slow motion or everyone else is on fast forward. They walk and talk and think faster than I can. I am no longer trying to keep up.

I am resigned.


Action makes stuff happen

I have noticed that when I am busy, or very involved with ACTION I am less inclined to write about it or take photos. When I am busy living, I lose track of the documenting. Many of my best memories do not have photos because my natural reaction to is take it all in with amazement, not to see it all through my viewfinder. It seems that blogging is the same way, when I am in motion, life takes over and my need for analysis goes down.

I am in action mode right now.

The VP of my new job, new since the end of January, has asked me to tackle a few projects based on my skills listed on my resume. Each one has been a test, and so far I am passing each one smurfily. The first ones were simple word doc graphic layout and form creation. Easy peasy, pop in some images to reinforce branding, zap in some tables, done. Next was to tackle some training needs for new hires. Hmm, ok, I just need to learn your LMS platform, your recording software, research optimal avi codecs, jazz up some powerpoints, create some quizzes, and we’re good to go. No big deal.

Apparently this was a big deal. The thing is I didn’t ask for help, he assigned a project, I did the research, contacted team members as needed, and got the job done. Everyone was so supportive, and I was amazed at how easily they gave me licensed software to complete my job professionally. Here’s a company laptop, here’s a new headset, here’s some video recording/editing software, here’s the password to our VPN, use our tech support to get everything connected and installed if you need them . . . (my last job would balk at a $20 fee for a pdf converter and make us live without it or buy it ourselves)

Apparently I also got the job done in  a way they never envisioned but truly appreciate. I am being showered with praise and being tagged for many future projects.

Awesome right? Well sort of. I am doing these projects at my initial hiring rate, the rate I accepted for answering their phone, not for doing what I do. So I find myself somewhat conflicted and hear myself telling the VP that I am happy to do any project they have in mind, and that I have several ideas of my own as well, but that my current rate is not adequate for those tasks.

Guess what? He said “you’re right. I have a position in mind for you – but first we need to hire your replacement, someone to answer those phones and free you up to help us out. I’d like you to start interviewing next week and hopefully have your replacement within a month. The president/CEO has been looking for someone like you for years, and from what I have seen so far, I think we finally found you. He needs an executive special projects manager, someone to work directly with him and steer projects as our company continues to grow. Someone who has vision, experience in this business, but also can do the research, present ideas, and then run with it through completion with minimal hand holding. Once we have you in the new position, we will adjust your rate to match your skills.”

What? What the what? Pinch, am I dreaming?

2 months at this new job and they are seeing in me what my previous job failed to see, or rather, failed to act upon, in 11 years of service.

I am beyond excited, and so hopeful that I may actually get to use my brain and get paid at a level that would provide peace and security to my family, and an end to debt collectors calls. I have seen the pay rates they have for other positions and it is easy to see they value and invest in their workers. wow.

Icing on this dreamy cake is that I may be able to give my current job to my sis-in-law and free her from housekeeping hell. Although has a degree, she was forced to accept a cleaning job that had the flexibility she needed to be home with kids when needed. I am so hopeful this all works out and she gets to stay home to work, and rest her aching joints instead of crawling around all day tidying and scrubbing.