Tag Archive | I can do this

What am I Worth..to an Employer?


Finding a job is pretty darn high up there on the life stressors chart for anyone. So many decisions, so much time, effort. Penetrating questions. Potential adjustments. Fears. Hopes. Disappointments. The waiting. The unknown. What am I worth?

My heart rate is up just typing that.

So think about my situation for a moment. I had a certain skill set, loads of high tech and higher math knowledge, computer software, great vocabulary, fast typing, persuasive speaking and writing, super confident.

And now…I look at my resume and it feels like someone else. I have so many holes in my memory, no one would believe I used to code webpages or teach calculus or write poetry. My typing has gone from about 80 wpm to 35 wpm with so many errors, the screen is all red underlines. Words that used to flow freely get stuck and I sit and stare, waiting for a thought to form. I am relearning math, but I doubt I will have time to get back to a calculus level in my lifetime as I’m relearning basic facts. Here and there I remember things, like how a tangent works, or what an exponent does, but then I start to work it out and it goes blank again. My daughter is in  high school algebra right now, I had been looking forward to coaching her, and it all looks so familiar, but I have no idea how to solve any of it. I tell her, you have to do something with regrouping….and I get excited thinking I might recall, but no, I can’t get any further.

So. How do you get back to work, when you can’t do what you used to do? How do you explain that you can’t do what you used to do and not sound incompetent or insane?

This process has not been going well. I’ve been applying for low level part time jobs that have nothing to do with my work history. I either don’t get called at all, or when they talk to me, they say I am overqualified, they are afraid I will get bored, or just give me that certain doubtful look, or have that tone in their voice and I know it is over.

My doctor recommended I contact my state workers with disabilities board. I guess I knew there was one, because they helped my brother, but I never considered myself disabled…just never thought of it. So after the shock wore off, I looked online, and saw they had exactly the services I need. I applied online, they called me the next day, set up an intake appointment that same week. Wow!

So I met with them last week. I was so incredibly nervous. I had to gather up my medical records to prove my eligibility, that is phase one. I worked through shame, fear, felt like I was whining, complaining, oh poor me-ing. Until I got there. It was literally a life changing day.

I’m sitting in the waiting room and my assigned case worker calls my name – she is completely blind. She has a service dog leading her, and me, to a small conference room. We sit down, and I’m instantly much more fascinated by her than I care about me anymore. She is confident and professional. She has a stack of folders labeled with braille, and braille typewriter thingy I’ve never seen before to take notes as I talk. She hands me papers that she can’t see but describes them to me in detail. It blows my mind as she helps me to fill them out.

She asks about the forms and records I brought, and asked if I would give her a summary, since she could not scan through them. As I start describing my lengthy and complicated neurological issues, I could sense compassion in her, as I have for her. Mutual respect was huge in this room – like we were both thinking “Damn, I don’t want to be her…” I could tell she wanted to see me when I talked about my scoliosis, because you might think I am visibly deformed, but luckily my curves are balanced and my surgeons are talented so no one would ever know by simply looking at me. You can see my limp when I walk though. So I’m thinking she was not always blind, the way she looked directly towards things and me.

We had a few of these surreal shared moments. I liked her very much. She explained the program and seemed excited to have me there, that she can actually help me. She said so many come through and disappear, don’t show up again, aren’t willing to work hard, don’t answer phone calls. She said she can tell that I work hard from my past jobs, and that I keep my doctor appointments in the city. I never thought of that as a major accomplishment…but I see her point. That takes planning and commitment, shows responsibility to drive 2 hours away for my neurologists and surgeons.

So, the next step is I wait for them to confirm my medical eligibility, then they will set up vocational skill assessment. I’m guessing typing, reading, math, but I’m not sure what all is involved there. Then they use that to see if I nee training, find some job leads, help me re-write a resume, practice mock interviews so I don’t stumble with those tough questions. They can advocate for me, or work entirely behind the scenes, meaning my employer can know I’m using disabled services or not, we will decide which way is best in the career plan we develop. They will stay with me once I’m hired, make sure the transition is smooth. Then I get to use them again, say if I want progress in my career or my health improves, I’m not stuck. They want me to be challenged and working meaningfully. Wow.

So my nerves are gone and I’m only excited now. Someone on my side to help me navigate these tricky steps to getting back on my feet. I am so grateful.

Happy Slips In

Every once in a while, I am aware of this new feeling. It isn’t overwhelming, so it is sneaky and slips into my consciousness without me noticing at first.

English: A very happy Beagle Puppy!!!!! ; Othe...

A very happy Beagle Puppy!!!!! ; Other versions thumb|left (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been feeling happy.


Yes I have identified this new feeling as happiness. A soft feeling of being content. A lack of stress, anxiety, and depression. It isn’t as powerful as joy or excitement. It also isn’t neutral like the peace of meditation. It is like a cool breeze over a sun warmed back. It is gentle and lovely.

I had no idea that my previous job had me in a constant state of stress. I knew it was stressful at times, but I had no idea it had such a hold over my entire being.

Even with my stressful start to the New Year, even with some of my youngest kiddo’s health concerns still unknown, I can feel the distinct lack of stress. I don’t need as much painkillers. My mind is not getting stuck in those obsessive mental loops. Thoughts are free to form, swirl and twirl, and grow and develop! My creativity is soaring, and I’m expressing that creativity in so many ways now. I am drawing, or planning a drawing, nearly every day now.

I have lost weight for the first time in over a year and a half. I am spending at least 30 minutes on wii fit plus(doing the hard stuff, not the the quick games), nearly daily. And I look forward to it, because it makes me feel good.

I have so much support from my family, and I am learning to trust that. Even my mom is being amazingly supportive, which I can’t trust completely, but I think this past year changed her as well.

So many people now know my history, and I still get to be a part of the family. They don’t hate or pity me, they just understand and love me anyway.

I know I will still have bad days. I know I will get through them. Panic and fear no longer own me, and I no longer think my PTSD is something I have to remove. I have accepted where I am, and although I am always changing and growing, I no longer seek a cure.

I’m OK. And sometimes I’m happy.

Bring it on 2014!


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