What if depression is really an acute case of realism? What if I have lost the ability to delusional like everyone out there chasing the american delusion err I mean dream? Am I mentally ill because I see corruption everywhere? Am I diseased because I’m not greedy, incapable of lying or hurting others to get ahead?
Am I more or less evolved? I am failing survival of the fittest. I don’t want to compete at all. I no longer believe in an honest dollar. I can barely get an honest penny.
I see no way out of this, which is depressing. I wish I could buy blinders and get back in the endless hamster wheel. I wish I could be satisfied running and KNOWING it is getting me nowhere.
I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to save the world. I want to sign the worlds DNR. It is too far gone. People are a terrible experiment gone wrong. Rushing about, working at jobs we hate to afford food full of toxins and houses full of stuff. Too tired and busy each night to even spend time with anyone. Too stressed to unwind. No time to clean or cook, no energy anyway if we do have time.
I’m here in a hotel room trying to recover from my toxic life in 3 days. No pressure. And then I can supposedly jump back in. Getting off the hamster wheel is helping my headache, but is filling me with dread of returning.
My entire view of humanity is soured. I’m a sellout. I’m working for an unethical man because the pay is decent. Not even great, just decent. I hate this but I feel stuck. I am searching for a new job, but also know that every CEO is unethical. You must be somewhat greedy and slimy to be on top. I don’t want to be on top. I just want enough not to struggle.
I wish I could unlearn my life lessons. I wish people would prove me wrong, even once. I’m doing my best not to share this reality with my kids. Even though I’m not sure I shouldn’t. Is it better to let them dream now and have it crushed later?
Even though I was lied to daily as a child, I still believed this dream was accessible. I went off to college and was unable to join their corrupt world. When I saw students praised for cheating, bribing professors, stealing my work, getting grades because daddy had money. No wonder depression grabbed me. Everything I worked so hard to escape running rampant in an ivy league school.
The education system is designed to make conformists and competitors. Not thinkers and teams.
The health system is full of quacks getting pharmaceutical kickbacks. Mental health system is a nightmare dehumanizing not healing.
Insurance is a scam we are forced to buy.
Rest may not be good for me after all. Need to go back to escaping these thoughts, pretending the dream is real and reality is not so bad and that one person can make a difference. I’ve been doing exactly that for 18 exhausting years. Need a new direction. So lost.
So I’m headed back to the hot tub to attempt not to think. To remove years of stress and pain so I can rejoin my real life. Sigh.