Tag Archive | energy

Love and Obligation and Duty

Why did the Hero flush the toilet? …. Because it was his duty.

Sorry.

Blame my kids and Wreck it Ralph for that one. I can’t even think the word duty without an inappropriate smile any more. I was already immature. You would think having kids would help that. Nope. Made it worse.

I have been thinking seriously though about why I do what I do. Examining some tough thoughts, like what is love, is love real? Or is it only obligation? Do I need love?

So I think we lump many things under the love umbrella that are human needs.

I think love is actually acceptance, validation and respect. I don’t think it means feeling happy, feelings come and go. Except maybe peace. Does peace go with love? (probably more to it than this – but that’s what I am talking about today)

I think we do need acceptance – in some form. We need validation. We need acknowledgement of our existence and our journey. I struggle to give and receive that in real life, but the internet has provided many platforms that makes it possible. Love is not exactly involved with this. I care about the people I interact with but I am not sure love is the right word.

How do you know you love someone? And is it a different type of love defined by the different types of obligations?

This is probably confusing and not making much sense. I will try to give some examples. I loved my parents. I thought this was a love without end, a love that should exist, that had great meaning and defined me and them, bound us in loving obligation to each other. But –  they always had the right to withdraw love and I did not. I had to earn it. I constantly tried to prove myself worthy. I did not have acceptance or validation. And I know now, that love I was seeking, never existed at all, a fabricated universe concocted to control me. Love should not include control. Parents guide, not control.

Okay…

So what about Hubby? Is this love? This dance of power, control, seduction, confusion, manipulation, irritation, fear, dissocation, isolation, secrecy, and lies? There has not been acceptance and validation here either – on either side.

Love also means respect.

And that has been missing here too.

I am not saying we don’t care about each other, help each other, try to do things right. We have a deep sense of obligation, honor, and duty. We are good people and care about and help many people. But it isn’t enough for a marriage. It isn’t right.

When I think about my kids, it is entirely different. I think that is love. I feel acceptance, validation, respect – in both directions. I hope that is what they feel. We listen and support each other. We encourage each other. We accept our faults and oddities and work our days around them – we are accommodating. I don’t feel like a frustrating freak with them. I feel like me.

I guess that is why this blog is so important to me. Yes I want to get my story  out there, talk things through, reach those who are silent. But I think this is me. This is my voice and I want it out there. I want it to exist.

Because generally I don’t ummm exist. I plod along in a vacuum, or alternate reality. Even when I am present, not dissociated, I often don’t feel fully here. A spacey surreal feeling that keeps me cut off from everyone, unable to feel love even if offered. And so I examine thoughts like this. Am I loved? Do I love? Is it a real thing anyway? Do I need it? Will I always feel like this? Do my kids feel loved? Is this my attachment disorder talking? Do others feel like this? Should I give up trying to fix this and accept this is how I am?

I am reaching acceptance of myself, that I am different. That I may slowly change, but that I don’t want to count on this change to happen. I would rather accept myself the way I am, and surround myself with people that accept me the way I am – or be alone.

The acceptance I receive online and from my children feels like enough. I don’t feel lonely, even though by most people’s standards, I suppose I am alone. I feel better alone, with emotional distance from the people in my life that do not accept me.

forest-63275_960_720

I took a three hour walk (yes 3 hours!! I can walk for 3 hours now! My back and leg are getting so strong!) in the forest last week, taking photos of the fall colors. I was alone on this walk, but I felt fuller and more alive than I have in weeks. Everything in the forest was so alive, I could feel the energy, hear the wind in the tree branches, hear the birds, the squirrels scurrying. I saw fungus and vines thriving on decay. I saw dead trees full of woodpecker holes. I saw and felt the life, the survival, of the creatures there.

Why do I feel more loved, safer, content – at peace – alone in a forest? Should I keep fighting this feeling or just go with it? Accept this, do what feels right, enjoy my peace without guilt, stop trying to make friends that I don’t want, stop trying to feel love I don’t feel. Just stop. And just be.

 

 

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Up All Night, but Out of the Fog

Here I go again, back into not sleeping. So strange. After a few days of sleeping soundly all night each night but still barely staying awake each day, the sleep fog has lifted.

I could feel it lifting yesterday afternoon. I got busy on some work projects that I had put off for a better thinking day. I showered in the morning, put on my shoes, and was busy all day long. I went to dance class  full of energy and returned home with even more energy. So much that I had to turn up the music and practice my new dance moves. So much that I did 20 minutes on Wii fit Plus and beat my previous high scores in 3 areas.

So much that I did not get angry at kiddos desperately delaying bedtime, and instead snuggled them while I read about stellar clusters in my latest copy of Scientific American to my boys as a bedtime story and we all laughed when it said something like “This cluster type is short-lived and only lasts a few million years”.  My 6 year old thought that was hilarious. And when we learned that all stars are born in these cluster nurseries, he figured out our Sun must be quite grown up to be living on its own. Then he hugged me and said he doesn’t ever want to grow up and leave me. Awww, he can be so sweet when he’s trying to stay up late. (Geekiness is quite hereditary, my 6 year old can’t get enough of the science and fact books)

So much energy that I resisted junky snacks and had a slice of cheddar cheese and water. Actually I didn’t resist, I wasn’t even tempted!

English: Fog in Wayanad

My view now is clear, but I’m certain more fog lies ahead (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So I was quite surprised, after all this energy, to find myself in the recliner at 3am. Apparently I fell asleep during a TV show and slept soundly for 4 hours, and my brain decided that was enough. I have been up since 3am, reading, watching TV, answering emails, working, getting kids ready for school, and now blogging. I’m still not hungry, and had some walnuts and almonds and herbal tea for breakfast. I am not sleepy at all. AND not foggy at all. I feel like I’ll have a super productive day. And I’m guessing I’ll have a super productive 3-4 days, and then go back into the fog for 3-4 days. Seems to be my normal now, and despite my efforts, it does not seem related to anything I eat or drink.

This energy feels sooo good. It does not feel manic. I am not impulsive or irrational. Well I’m not any MORE impulsive and irrational than I am on the foggy days. I feel relaxed and happy.

So I just have to be thankful that I have a job that allows me to work more on my better days, and less on my foggy days.

And I will NOT be mentioning this cycle to Doctors any more, as many years ago when I described this pattern they put me on terrible meds for rapid cycling depression, then mood balancing meds for Bipolar. I’m calling the meds terrible, because they were terrible for me, and caused hallucinations and all kinds of other not-so-fun side effects. I am not anti-meds, just anti-incorrect-meds.

My therapist half jokes that my good days are just so good that I burn myself out and need recovery days. Who knows? I don’t, so for now, I will continue to just go with the flow, and keep taking care of myself and my family.

I can do it . . . For a few days

Feeling frustrated this morning. I’m waiting for my zip and energy to return, and it is not.

It seems I get a few days of feeling good, like I can actually do what I need to do. And then I quickly flounder again, and resent those few days for showing me what I could have while I struggle through what I usually have. It is getting harder to get out of bed each morning. Once I got some kids on the bus, I went straight for the couch and immediately into level 1 sleep, where I can hear and respond to those around me, but my eyes are closed and my mind is blank and foggy.

I got a new sunlight timer for my bedside lamp to make sure my mornings are bright and that I wake at the same time. I have been going to bed at 11pm each night. (I think I’m sleeping – not remembering too many dreams) I’m eating protein with my carbs and not binging. I’m getting most of my tasks done, somehow, through this blur. I just need frequent breaks.

The only thing I can’t make myself do, that I know would help, is get on that treadmill. I have a dance class tonight though, (see how I justfy it?) and I’m afraid to use up my energy and miss my class. When I feel like this, exercise is draining, not refreshing and energizing. My cells are tired. I will enjoy my class, but will be yawning even as I sweat through the routine.

So what’s up? PMS of last week is over. Work is still a bit stressful, but I don’t feel threatened there. I did get a nasty email yesterday from a client, but I think I dealt with that effectively. Could it still be effecting me physically today? I know I have extreme stress reactions to minor events. When the email came in, I got all sweaty, shaky, nauseous. This client asked for my opinion, so I spent an hour, investigated, and wrote up a lovely report. This client did not like my findings, and began her email with “Your statement below shows a true lack of understanding”. She may as well have written “You are a dumbass”. We all know this client is difficult, even abusive, but it still hurt to be attacked after doing my best to fulfill her request.

For a few hours after that email, my mind wandered back to it, going over what I sent to her to find the flaw, and mentally writing responses varying from an equal attack to something apologetic. I am not responding to this email. I have learned from the other hurtful people in my life, and from this client’s past behavior too, that it is best to let this one go. I have done my job, and will never have her happy or grateful. She has NEVER said thank you and always responds with a hurtful comment to show she knows better than us. If she worked for our company she would have been fired. Her position is one of liaison to our sister company, and so we must deal with her from time to time.

Is this zapping my energy? Or is it the new routine, getting up earlier for school? Is it the extra hours I’ve been working? Is it the emotional strain of working on my marriage and all these discussions? Is it the constant barrage of emails from my mom and deflecting her to establish a safe boundary? Is it the worry from the cough my daughter has had for 2 days and sounded really deep this morning? Is it the worry for my older son that he continues to have emotional breakdowns daily and I fear a low level of autism? Is it that I ask myself so many questions??

Foghorn Leghorn

Not the foghorn I was searching for exactly, but it may help

 

 

OK, back to the coffee pot, a few jumping jacks, and start my work day, I have delayed as long as I can.

I will just put on my fog lights and try to work through it. Maybe a foghorn blast is needed more than the lights . . . see the ideas are flowing now 🙂

See I’m not depressed, just foggy and tired. I’m way too silly to be depressed.

Internal Energy vs External Energy

Away this week on a business trip and thinking about energy.

Found out my promotion a year ago was in part due to my positive energy. I have to laugh at this a bit, but it is true, unless I am alone, I focus on being bright and positive. No one here has seen me sit and cry, no one here knows the inner turmoil and self-doubts. They see me as bright, confident, and always willing to jump in on any project. They don’t know about the downer days.

I don’t feel like I am hiding anything, or that I am showing a false me. In fact I now know that everyone goes through these downer days, some with past abuse, and some without – it is just human nature, not abuse survivor nature. This realization has been crucial to me moving forward and feeling like I belong with the rest of humanity.

Being here, away from my family, in a busy lively city, is energizing to me.

I met our new CEO, and was introduced by my manager as a “whiz”! The CEO shook my hand, nearly broke my fingers, and said she was happy to finally meet me. She was wearing a suit so expensive, I am sure it cost more than my entire wardrobe put together. She exuded power just by standing in the room. Her presence was energizing. She has great plans for our company, and looking up her Bio, I am confident she will do exactly as she plans. Big changes for us, but everyone who can be energetic and flexible will come along for a wild ride. The others will be left behind. I don’t feel badly about this, it just needs to happen.

Now I don’t know if it is unusual that our entire management team is female, but I love it. We get stuff done. Being in a room full of strong women (like myself??) is intoxicating. Yes I am one of them. I have to let myself accept that, and cherish that. I belong here.

So the pressure is on – In the next few weeks I have to complete a project, train a new team, and embark on unchartered territories in a pilot program. My manager says “Can you do x by x date? ” I just say “Yes, of course, tell me what you need and I’ll get it done”. She says, “That’s what we love about you”. And behind my external show of positivity and confidence, my mind is swirling on where I can find the info to actually do what I just said I would. It will be a challenge, and I look forward to it. Most of job is so tedious, I can’t wait to dig into something new, and I have to admit, I can’t wait for them all to say “Wow” next week. Is this a cocky attitude? Perhaps, but the past has shown this to be true.

I would love to increase my external energy, to make people feel about me what I felt about that CEO. But for now I will take “bright and positive” and try to keep my internal energy bright and positive as well. And then, truly, anything can happen. We all have such power to change the direction in our lives – we really do. I’m just not sure which direction I truly want to go, so I am letting the changes happen slowly and naturally.

My body won’t listen to my brain

My brain has set up some really doable goals. Lots of little chunks of action to lead to the final goal. My brain is super excited and can’t wait to check something off that list. My body won’t listen.

I am so tired again. Yes, I did stay up too late watching TV. Yes I did pig out with chocolate ice cream AND potato chips. Yes I did sleep in this morning and forget to take a kid to preschool. Yes he did cry. Yes I didn’t get breakfast until lunch time. Yes my preschooler got his own snacks today. Yes I feel a bit guilty, but mostly I just feel tired. Where did this tired come from?

My husband is away this week on business, so everything here is up to me. I don’t feel worried about this, but could it affect me anyway?

I just finished a super stressful go-go-go couple of weeks where I did not get this tired. Did I stop rushing about and now I can’t get going again?

Did I reach some hormonal or chemical low point in this strange cycling depression?

I’m too tired to be frustrated today, that will hit me in a few days when I look back and see all the time I wasted.

It is gorgeous outside and my garden is calling for help. My brain hears the call, but my body won’t answer it.

My oldest wants to work on a school project together with a buddy. She wants me to call and ask the mom if she can go over. I keep staring at the number. It looks all jumbled, and I don’t want to call. My brain says push the buttons, say hello. My body says that is too difficult.

I made 3 pots of coffee today, but only had 2 sips, each full cup gets dumped out as I discover it cold and forgotten. I burned the lunch, somehow distracted while I stood in front of the skillet the whole time. I had set the flame to high.

I feel completely disconnected, like I’m not in this world. Maybe I’m not. Maybe my spirit gets so bored with being  a housewife that it actually takes off occasionally, and leaves me feeling tired and empty. Maybe Brain and body don’t work together unless the spirit is there.

A chimpanzee brain at the Science Museum London (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Maybe I’m really just a brain in a jar and I have been unplugged from the matrix. Plug me back in Keanu!