Tag Archive | disappointment

Migraine system overload

I seem to have an emergency stop button, instead of staples big red easy button somewhere in my brain I have a kill switch. With very little warning, other than sudden extreme fatigue, and a sense of complete overwhelm and being unable to make a  simple decision ,(like what sounds good for dinner) my brain ceases to function. I get so sleepy I go find the nearest spot to lay down.

Today I did not sleep as long, maybe an hour, but still awoke with right side pain, twitches and weakness. All minor in comparison to what it could be. Took some motrin, aspirin and coffee and rubbed my arm.

This attack was not accompanied by any memories or flashbacks. Prior to the overwhelm feeling, I was planning my schedule and looking at the calendar for the next few weeks. The PTSD intensive therapy program finally has an opening and I was figuring out how to get there and have kids taken care of. This program is going to be 9 hrs a week of therapy, plus nearly 6 hrs of driving there and back. Lots to arrange.

And then kiddos have social events on the calendar, other sports stuff, dentists, and then oh wow school will be starting….

I only had one underlying thought. I can’t. What if I can’t keep up. I can’t do all of this. They need me too much. How can I go and be all vulnerable and wiped out in intensive therapy and have anything left for my kids?

I’m not enough. I already feel empty.

Then hubby said to everyone we were going out to eat. Kids said yay!  I couldn’t see how I could possibly brush my hair I was so tired, just had to lay down.

Can these negative thoughts trigger a migraine ? I was out instantly. I woke up to hubby making dinner in the kitchen and a very grumpy kiddo giving me some guilt.

Hubby and I seem to tease and torment kiddos, never being connected or on same page. I wish he could see the migraine coming on and didn’t announce to kiddos about dinner. We did have a teachable moment about not always getting what you want or expect and how to handle disappointment… But it didn’t change how I felt inside, so stupid and weak.

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I feel like the baby they took the candy from

I am in tears again.

My company is going through a “restructuring” phase.

Step 1 was to terminate nearly 800 people

Step 2 was to make each remaining employee scramble about to complete tasks that used to belong to 10 people

Step 3 was to motivate us to work even harder to make the company more money with vague empty promises

Step 4 was to mistreat the remaining workers and cause several more to resign

Step 5 was to ask the remaining workers to do the jobs of 20 people with no pay increase and even more vague promises

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I have never experienced mismanagement at this grand scale before. They have eliminated the core of our company and reduced our ability to deliver a quality product, but they don’t seem to know it, since they have no idea what any of us actually did. Some of the people that were terminated had years of specialized expertise.

At our annual leadership conference this week, we created a new vision statement, worked on team building and planning both short and long term goals to get us through this tough time. I was OK with not being chosen for the supervisor position I interviewed for last week. I was really OK with that and was ready to get a new focus and back to work. And then when I got to the conference, they announced that my current supervisor was moving up to general manager, and then they offered me her job. A lateral supervisor position to the one I interviewed for, and told me it was a better fit. I agreed, and I was ecstatic. The new roles were announced to my team, and we spent the new few days with some of us in the office, and some calling in from home, planning our new direction.

And then yesterday, 2 days after assigning my new role, as my team was working together in our new roles, our director emails us, from the office down the hall, that our new titles have been revoked, and they expect the current supervisor to take on the additional duties of the general manager while remaining our supervisor. Without a pay increase. And I am to remain a senior lead, on part time with no benefits. They took it all away before I ever really had it.  And I cried, like a baby. It hurt so much. I did not realize how much I wanted that promotion until they took it back away from me.

So now what? I am hurt and insulted. But my budget is already tight, and I care about my company and the remaining coworkers too much to just up and quit. But I am putting out feelers as I have no job security at all. And I’m not sure how long I can continue to give them the expected 29 hours a week, while not completing everything assigned to me with my team so small now, and with no benefits, no sick days, etc. This sucks.

So, I try to be grateful I was not fired, that I still have this flexible work from home job. I try to go back to how I felt before all the empty and broken promises. I am trying not to think of how they are using me and not sharing any profits with me. That is especially hard when the execs are brought to our meetings in company cars with chauffeurs, from their stay at the Four Seasons, and they discuss “dropping 20 grand” last week at a furniture store down the street.

So I only have 3 more hours to work this week to stay under 29. I wonder which tasks can wait until Sunday? We’re going to have so many angry clients. I have always responded to their requests within 24 hours, usually within a few hours. Now they will wait days. I hope our company’s reputation will not be ruined by this ‘restructuring’. God I hate that word.

I was feeling ok, and then I got an email from a team member that still thinks I am now her supervisor. She sent me her timesheet. Ouch that hurt. My supervisor/Manager is meeting with the director and trying to fight for us, so we have not announced anything to our team. We are hopeful they will reconsider. And we don’t want to confuse our team any more than necessary. What a mess.

Just give me back my candy.

Expectations and Disappointment

Today I want to examine some of my underlying expectations for Husband that always seem to cause me great pain when they end with disappointment.

So for a few weeks now, I have been very clear with Husband that I don’t often feel loved, cherished, special.

We discussed ways I might feel more loved, and ways that I feel slighted in terms of my love language. For example: My mom had a little surprise birthday party on my last birthday, and everyone there had a gift for me except my husband and kids. My kids felt bad they had nothing for me, since he did not tell them either and they’re too young to do it on their own. (These discussions were over the past few weeks, not on Mother’s Day, I will not bring up the past hurts again to him, just put them here to explain why my expectations were high-again)

Last week, he kept talking about Mother’s Day, reminding me he had the day off work, and that we were going to have such a nice day together with our little family. He sounded excited, so I started getting excited and hopeful that he had planned something for me, some gift, surprise, or outing – anything. My expectations were very high and I couldn’t wait to see what he planned. So when we had our usual weekend breakfast (which was lovely but just like every other weekend) and the usual bouquet of flowers from the grocery store (which were also lovely but just a last minute side thought) and when we finished eating I asked what was next, and he said “I don’t know” and shrugged it off – my bubble of expectation turned into devastating disappointment. Sigh. “Oh” I said. He didn’t even think about planning something, other than being home with us. (Should that have been enough for me? He was there and not yelling?)

Now I knew he was lying about the day before, and some silly part of me thought maybe the lie was to cover up some surprise for me. I get so silly and child-like, hoping each time he will finally go out of his way for me, but it never happens. So who is the silly one here? Who is the ungrateful one? Me, right? Why do I do this to myself? If I don’t expect a grand gesture, I won’t be so disappointed that it never comes, and will instead be happy with the sweet little gestures that did happen. Why isn’t that enough for me? Is this healthy to expect more from him? Would it ever be enough? I don’t know, to me he’s never tried. To him, it was a lovely day and he thinks he did enough.

I think I just want him to do the legwork, the research, and plan my day so I don’t have to. That would be the greatest gift. Even if it was all free, like if he said, “First we’re going to the park to walk and look at flowers, then we’re going to fly kites, then we’re going to have a nice lunch. . .” I would have felt like a Queen. Instead, after breakfast, I am left to do the dishes while he takes a very long bath and goes about his business. Then I go shopping for kids school projects. It was a nice day, but just a day like any other day where I call the shots and do chores and run errands.

I explained this to him later, and I’m not sure if he got it or thinks I’m whiny and ungrateful. I then said it would have meant the world to me if my breakfast also had a note from him, even just a few words saying “Thank you for being such a great mom to our kids”. I told him that I feel so insecure about being a good mom, because it is so important to me. That it would have meant so much if he thought about me and planned ahead instead of last minute. I explained that I thought he was hinting about having something planned.

Engagement Ring

Engagement Ring (Photo credit: Lucas_James)

So all these talks of grand gestures and surprising me may be sinking in. I found “ebay” “engagement” in the search window history. I am very worried that he is going to buy me an engagement ring and do some crazy proposal. I told him it bothered me that he never proposed and that I bought my own ring. But what if he does this before I am ready to say Yes to him? I couldn’t honestly re-commit to him right now. And I’m not sure we could make it past me saying “I’m not sure” when he finally does something grand and romantic. I’ve been saying “I love you” to him again, because I do feel love. But it is an unsure, tentative type of love, that I hope will grow. I want to feel it, I want to accept him, I want to trust him. I will always love him, but I’m not sure I will always be married to him. Urgh.

Should I tell him I saw that ebay page and explain my concerns? Or just see what happens?

I don’t know what he is expecting, and I sure don’t want to disappoint him.