Tag Archive | determination

Whats happening to me

Killer headache pain. Visual disturbance with trails and flashes.

And now – the entire right side of my body, right eye/cheek, right arm, right mid-section, right leg goes into spasm. The spasms aren’t that painful unless I try to fight it, then it clenches up. I used to get this quite often in my right leg from the damaged nerve in lower spinal cord. This is the first time anything above that injury has joined the party.

I drove myself to my counselor yesterday, no headache or major eye trouble, my right arm still hurting from friday’s event, but I was being very careful and mostly driving with left arm and right arm only to assist. Not too stressful meeting, actually quite positve and we were making plans.

Hallfway home while driving, it felt like someone threw a brick at my head. No dull pain slowly building up, it was WHACK! And then the familiar migraine stuff, nausea, light was too bright, had to turn off radio. I considered pulling over, but I knew it would only get worse without meds and I was only 10 min from home. So I kept going. Maybe that was stupid, I think my reflexes were slow as a few people beeped horns at me.

Made it home and stepped out of car, noticed extreme weakness in my right leg, not the usual weakness, it was like how it was 15 years ago. I limped inside holding my head, opened medicine cupboard and could not read anything. Asked hubby to get me excedrin (I don’t have rx migraine meds because I havent had migraines like this in over a decade). I pulled myself upstairs to bed, and starting panting. migraines and nausea always make me breathe fast, not sure why.

Hubby brought up pills and ginger ale, and when I reached for it my arm started shaking, just like friday. I also felt twitches in my right side and tummy, sharp and quick like hiccups, making me gasp each time, like a hiccup. the spasms extended to my right leg that curled up tight, unable to loosen. The pain in my head felt like that brick was lodged in my skull. Hubby brought me ice pack and helped me lay down and extend my leg. If someone else pulls on it, it can straighten. trying to use a spastic muscle only makes it tighten more.

I got it to calm down by centering myself and thinkiing about NOT moving. Then I thought…


And then I started laughing, weird, out of control giddy laughing. Nothing was funny. But the laughing felt great on top of the pain, but was scary at the same time. Never done that before. I thought, ok this is it.

You broke your brain.

Then a rational thought appeared somehow.

Ok I have the zanaflex from the ER, should I take that even though doc started me on high dose of medrol? Hubby brought me phone to call dr. She said yes, take the zanaflex and if things werent calming down in 20-30 min to go to ER.

30 min, things were calmer, execedrin/ice reduced head pain to the level of a normal bad but tolerable headache. I drifted off to sleep, no choice but sleep on zanaflex.

Woke up 4 hours later, feeling mostly ok, but right everything hurt and head was dull ache too. Started googling since I don’t see the neuro until next week.

Hemiplegic migraine, or epilepsy, or MS or other lesions on spinal cord or in brain. Did I damage something in my neck, did something happen or move in the rods or clamps or bone fusion on my spine or is this all brain generated now? I will not self-diagnose, but I know enough now to analyze and document to present to doctors to have any chance of help.

I’m a little twitchy today, a little nauseous, a little ouchy but didnt take zanaflex so I could work a bit this morning. Thought about half a pill… but I really need to stay awake. I’ll take one tonight for sure. Feeling my 6am motrin wearing off, gonna keep up on that until doc says otherwise.

Something autoimmune might explain the tendon inflammation and the odd allergy and hives. I no longer believe this is all PTSD, although I do fear my brain may be involved in some way. The first attack was triggered friday after some light yard work – no headache pain with that one. Yesterday was while driving. I am now very concerned and afraid to drive. This was so sudden, I don’t want to hurt anyone. Grandma is picking up the kiddo today, yay for Grandma again.

So I hate meds, and here I am full of them and likely to get a slew more to control whatever this new thing is. Some dx are better than others, but honestly I could not find any curable or not serious reason for the right side of your body to get weak and spastic. So family doc is doing blood tests, going to general neuro next week and likely on to spine specialist and god knows what else.


I’m scared.


This isn’t making me stronger

And I’m not so sure it isn’t killing me.

This is making me angry. Fed up. Scared even. Definitely not stronger.

My mini-vacation saved my mind and restored my will to keep fighting. 3 days soaking in a hot tub and practicing mindfulness showed me how much pain I am in. So much pain. I’m not even sure how much is mental, how much is physical as they seem to be causing the other in a vicious snake head biting its tail circle.

I’m somehow still working, but half time and doing a crappy job. I’m forgetting things and just not getting to everything else. Mistakes are everywhere. I sit down to work and my brain freezes, not able to handle the chaos and abuse. not yet. so I go draw picture, watch tv, take a nap, anything but tune into my world I can’t accept.

I make it through last week, start engaging back in work, and feel almost ok on friday. Ask Hubby to go out to breakfast, feeling pretty good. We get home from breakfast, the sun is shining, the snow has all melted except for the very shady spots. We decide to clean up the yard. We work together and I’m feeling good. We spend about an hour out there and I go inside ready to work.

I sit at my computer and attempt to type – my hand is a claw. My fingers aren’t listening to me. My arm starts to twitch and spasm. Hmmmm I think. ok don’t panic. I mindfully take stock. Nothing hurts. My left arm is fine, I slowly move each finger on my left hand, ignoring my twitching uncontrollable right side. And then I try to move my fingers on right hand, as i do, my entire arm convulses with the effort. Eyebrows up now, but no panic. I slowly stretch – no no – that made it worse. I lay down on my back and let it relax – except it is still twitching. It is behaving like my right leg. Do I have nerve damage in my neck now? no no, cant think like that. I deep breathe and stretch a while and realize it is not getting better. I ask Hubby to take me to doctor, who immediately sends me to ER. Do they think I had a stroke? What if these aren’t migraines?

ER gives me CT scan of head and neck, see nothing wrong. They start IV of valium, it settles down a bit but does not stop twitching. They send me home with rx for muscle relaxers and a very twitchy arm, and a very worried me. I spent all weekend in bed, only waking up for the next dose. The twitching finally stops, but a deep pain sets in. Off to general practice dr for followup, she says I have torn the tendon in my forearm. Gives me a week of steroids and ice, followed by rx for physical therapy. But I didn’t injure it I said. It didnt hurt until the twitching stopped. She gave that look that drs always give me, like the crazy is talking, and I must be mistaken. I do understand cause/effect and I’m telling you the twitching came before the pain. I think I twitched myself into a torn tendon. But what started the twitching? Soonest neurologist appt is 2 weeks away. I see my counselor tomorrow and I decided to see a psychiatrist too, also in a few weeks.

Just in case the crazy is talking. Just in case the crazy is trying to kill me by shaking me apart. In all of my suicidal fantasies I have never pictured death by shaking myself until my tendons rip. Because I hate pain. I hate weakness. I hate physical therapy. So of course my crazy mind has done this.

Just in case dr took 6 vials of blood to check ANA, thyroid, electrolytes, sed rate, allergies, hormones, vitamins, everything we could think of. Autoimmune? RA or lupus? Neurological? Parkinsons? My scoliosis rods busted? pinched nerve? Fibro? Sleep apnea?

Do I hate my job this much? first I hurl headaches and aura to make looking at the monitor painful and nauseating. Now my arm hurts to type. Can’t barely write at all, can’t grasp a pen without a crampy electrical jolt of pain shooting up my arm. I have a cold sore from this stress and my hour in the sunlight, making it hurt to talk. My ears already have constant ringing. so what’s next? What else do I need to battle to manage to keep this terrible job?

I am so edgy right now, any normal noise sounds like a bass drum or jet plane and sends me jumping and screaming and heart racing. I am that girl in the horror movie, alone, turning down the dark alleyway while the audience screams – Don’t Go! But if the crazy is trying to kill me, then I must go. There is no other way. And so I am swallowing my fears of doctors and being a human pin cushion and will get every test possible to determine the other way. I can’t keep going this way, this hasn’t killed me – yet – but isn’t making me stronger.

I keep thinking, whatever caused the scoliosis and asthma is still in me. And its hungry.

Staying put when lost only works in the supermarket

I’m lost. This phrase keeps popping into my head. And then I hear my mom’s voice telling me as a child in the supermarket, if you get lost just stay put and I’ll find you.

I can’t help but think how terrible that advice is for anyone lost in life. If I stay put right now, I will only sink deeper in the rut.

I want to keep moving, anywhere but here, and see where I end up. Because here is not gonna do. I don’t know which way to go. I don’t see the yellow brick road.

You can’t get there from here. I keep hearing that phrase too.

Is it too late? I can’t go back the way I came.

The worst part is I don’t even know what I’m looking for. So each day I keep going, pick a direction, any direction, and see what happens. Will I ever find where I belong? I’ve found many places where I fit in, where I function, where mediocrity rules the day. Blah. I want to find something so important to me that I can’t imagine a day without it.

Right now – nothing really matters.


Having a Joey kind of day. Actually having a Joey kind of year so far.

My life is transforming so quickly now that all I can say is Woah!

I just got off the phone with my new partner, I passed the next test given to me by my new VP to promote me another level. I was so full of doubts I almost didn’t turn anything in to them, but Hubby saved me – again. He really needs to stop being so wonderful or I don’t know how to make it up for him. Hubby has a degree in business management, he works in production and manages work orders daily. I asked him to look at my task and help me get started. He did that. Then I asked him to review my suggestions. He did that and He said if I gave that many suggestions to his boss, his boss would do back flips.

Guess what? My boss did back flips today. Woah!

Turns out my ability to digest huge amounts of information, and over analyze every little thing to death, is actually a useful skill in the business world! Years of nitpicking myself and striving for perfection has given me a superior talent for spotting inefficiencies and suggesting better ways.

Yes I am poking fun at myself while I pat myself on the back, because this is funny to me in a oh the universe loves balance and irony kind of way. See? I don’t have a mental illness, I just had a misapplied talent. So I will now be over analyzing workflows and turning my inner critic outwards against what needs done to improve my new company. My overclocked memory from PTSD seems to help me store new info easily. My tendency to know people well, learning about strengths and weaknesses and moods – in place to protect me – helps me to be a great manager and delegate and/or train effectively. My obsessive attention to detail has a purpose now and can ease off of only looking inward.

They are already implementing changes based on my suggestions – AND – giving me credit and kudos for it. Unlike my last employer that greedily sucked up all my ideas, gave me no credit, and ridiculed me publicly.

I have learned so much and my brain is happily buzzing along on the ‘I learned something new’ high. I don’t think this job could ever get boring, since I am being hired to constantly be looking for improvement.

AND I found out that everyone in my department from my previous employer has been terminated. That sharky CEO did exactly what I thought she was up to when I quit – using everyone and stringing them along until she would cut them loose and take every extra cent for herself. She doesn’t care if the company goes belly up, she’ll just move on like she has several other times. I can’t believe I abandoned ship at the right time!

My new employer owns the company, no external investors. He is vested in the success personally and wants to see his baby grow. I trust my new captain, and it seems he wants me to be co-captain or first mate or whatever seaworthy term makes sense here. Does that make me Gilligan or the Professor? Time will tell I guess.   ;0

I still feel strong. I still feel happy. I still feel loved. And I can’t wait to see how this all unfolds.


Should? Will, Can, Do, Did


Determination (Photo credit: Dana Lookadoo – Yo! Yo! SEO)

When Should rules the mind
No peace can we find
Doubt and indecision
attack with military precision

Should be easy.
Should be fine.

Should it?

Should have done this.
Should have said that.

Should I have?

Should know better.
Should have known.

Should I have seen this coming?

Should get moving.
Should get going.

Should I?


Let go of Should
It does no good
to fret and stew
about what was done and what to do

No more excuses
No more worry
Should is useless
Should is blurry

Make a plan
Act with purpose
Do what you can
Don’t be nervous

From time to time
we all may stumble
But stuck in Should
you just may crumble

Should is full of  failure and shame
Should is weak and full of blame

Say Should no more
And in its stead
Assert your Will
to move ahead

Will be fine.

It was.

Will learn more.

Will get moving.

Will get going.

I Did?

(Should? NO!)



Alone but Not Lonely

Alone 2.

Alone  (Photo credit: ElenahNeshcuet)

Day 2 on my own, completely alone in this house except for my cats. Even my dog stayed at Grandma’s with Hubby and the kids.

The kids will be back tomorrow, and I will tuck them into their beds alone. Hubby is not staying. He will be going back to Grandma’s to give us a break. The words sound sad, but I am not.

I’ve been through every emotion ever created these 2 days alone, but I keep coming back to calm and relief. I am not lonely or scared. I am ready to be me, and see what being a single mom might be like. I know it is going to be hard. But it is going to be different from anything else we’ve ever tried.

Same is just not working for me. I try to love him, and think it is working, to have the world drop out from under me as I cycle back to distrust and feeling nothing for him.

Just a few months ago I was ready to divorce him. He begged for a second chance. During this second chance period, I told him I would give him a fresh start, and remove all past hurts from the equation and only move forward. It worked, for a while, until I realized that I was not whole when loving him. The part of me that feels responsible for making others happy, was able to make him happy. I was not emotionally or sometimes even mentally in our marriage bed, only my body was feeling anything.

I can’t do that anymore. I have moments when I am put back together, a whole person, rather than this fractured soul. I can not be whole in a marriage right now, and so I must ask him to leave. The pain of being ripped apart is just too much. I can’t love him that way.

He seems to finally understand, and is ready to give me what I need – freedom and peace.

Maybe I will heal, and maybe I won’t. But I won’t keep doing the things that tear me apart. I love myself too much now. More than him, which I’ve never been able to say before.

So far these 2 days I have cried, I have danced, I have trembled, I have binged, I have cleaned, I have worked, I have seen, I have felt. The best part is I did all of those things, felt all of things – as ME.

Patience May be an Excuse, Not a Virtue


I realized I have some things that I have been making excuses for not doing for quite some time now, under the guise of patience. If I’m just patient, the world will do something for me, show me what to do, give me a push. Well, lucky for me, I think, I am out of patience. It is all used up, along with my excuses. I am doing something I have wanted to do for a very long time. It may not go well. I’m not even sure what “well” looks like, as I’m done trying to make predictions. I’m just going to do it, open up to someone important in my life, and allow whatever happens next to happen. I’m ready to move forward. We can handle it. Whatever it is. I hope.

Being brave does not mean you have no fear or doubts. Being brave means feeling the fear and doubts, and doing the scary thing anyway. Today I am brave.