Tag Archive | Blame

If I wanted this much drama

I’d move to Hollywood.

Seriously blindsided again by a drama-nado. Someone at work makes an easy to make human error. Someone else finds it and starts talking about it, to everyone except the one who did it. By the time it gets back to one who made the mistake, 6 people are all in a frenzy, discussing it at length in email, phone and IM all day long.

How could this happen? It wasn’t my fault. Doesn’t she know any better? Do we need to add this to the training program? I thought we covered it already! Maybe we need to fire her? Let’s see if we can find any other little mistakes. LOOK! She did make another mistake yesterday, look what I found! Did you see this? But wait, maybe this one wasn’t her fault, look who asked her to do it. Should we make a new policy? No mistakes allowed before noon. But isn’t mistake a gray area? we need to nail it down first or it won’t be fair. We can coach the mistakes away. The system? No, nothing is wrong with the system, it works perfectly, if we could just get all of our people to stop making mistakes. No they don’t make mistakes because the system is too confusing, you just check that box, check that box, initial this one, never check that box, always write in this box, use capitals in this box, underline this one, copy this one into that one and copy that one into this one. Simple. How could anyone mess that up? Yes we’ve hired and fired 12 people to do this job and no one can do it. So what? that just proves it is so hard to find good people that actually care about doing a good job. Wait, she didn’t get the memo. I just checked and her name is not on this list. So she didn’t know we moved that box and she should check the other box now. Well she should have known and asked us before doing it wrong.

That is my day, every day.

But there is a plan. Structure is being inserted, like a pipe cleaner into jello, but it is a start. Communication is happening – starts loudly and goes to all the wrong people first, but eventually it gets to the right person now. Messes are getting cleaned up. And no one has been fired for a few months. A few key people have admitted it is the system that needs fixing. A few key roadblocks have stepped out of the way for progress.

Like any good drama, these are the days of our lives, I am hooked. I can’t wait for the next episode, even though I also don’t want to waste my time with it. Drama is addictive. I try to stay out, to only observe, but I am not immune. And darn if I’m not human.

Or maybe I just want my own academy award? why not. Well, maybe not, I don’t have it in me to compete with the divas. But part of me is enjoying being the understudy. love/hate is a fine line.

Mental Illness Stigma – Keeping Quiet about Depression

Cover of "No Talking (Thorndike Press Lar...

(Cover via Amazon) I have to remind myself to keep my own secrets

Today has been slow. Agonizingly slow. Slow to wake up, slow to get up, slow to move, slow to think, slow to speak.

I have not been able to work yet today, but my boss does not know this since I work from home. I do what I can , when I can, and somehow it all gets done. When they don’t hear from me, they assume I am crazy busy. Not just crazy.

I hate that I can’t share my struggle with my boss and coworkers. But I know that I can’t. Another coworker is struggling to recover from surgery to remove endometriosis. We all know the details and have taken some of her chores to lighten her load. Another coworker just returned from maternity leave and has shortened hours. Another coworker has just had shoulder surgery and can only type 1 handed, her load is reduced. We all know these facts and jump in to help out.

No one knows I can barely sleep all night, that I struggle to rub 2 thoughts together, that I sit in a foggy haze all morning, that I can’t understand the request in the email even though I read it a zillion times. I can’t share that I have depression and still have them treat me with respect. Hell, I may even lose my job. If I ever make a mistake, and I do, they wouldn’t just brush it off, they’d blame my depression.

But the good and honest part of me feels like I am lying to withhold this information. I blame the kids for keeping me up all night, that’s why I sound sleepy in the teleconference. I blame the cable outage for losing my documents. I blame my busy schedule for missing meetings, not admitting I just forgot.

They picture me as a supermom, running around like crazy, getting everything done, and squeezing in my work on top of it. They don’t know that most days I have only managed to do the work, there was nothing else.

And then they praise me. What? seriously? Yes, they think I am brilliant, creative, hard working, responsible. Well, I am all of those things, but it is hard to accept compliments when I feel like I am barely doing the minimum requirements. But, even with my struggles, I get things done that others do not. I wonder if they have hidden struggles too?

A coworker was given a project in November, checked on her progress last week, and she had not even started it and never told anyone. I was shocked. They gave the project to me – they know I will do it. I started it, but the tedium is wearing on me, and it sits untouched most days. But I presented the part I had started in the last meeting, and got oohed and ahhed. They love it. They will wait for it. I could have it all done today if I could just focus. But I can’t focus, so it takes weeks, and then I get praised for putting in so much time.

The world is messed up. I just have to shake my head in amazement. But I can play the game for now.