Tag Archive | analysis

Unbalanced Thoughts

thinker

Neurotypicals will never understand  the complicated thought process someone like me must endure. My brain is different (understatement) so how I perceive and react to the world is different. I suppose I am lucky enough to be self aware of my differences so I know how to appear normal when I need to, but let me tell you, this process of monitoring unbalanced thoughts and correcting them is exhausting.

Most people fit into the social spectrum somewhere that makes sense. Most people have issues, fears, crap from their childhood and past relationships that hold them back from reaching their full potential. Most people are still free to have their own thoughts – I can tell this in a variety of ways but a simple one is by response time in social interactions.

I lack spontaneity. I analyze my own thoughts and behaviors as they happen, like pressing the internal instant replay button, as well as those of the people around me. I am not free to have a thought pop in my mind and let random words escape my mouth. Why? Because most initial thoughts are not actually my own. It is not my own voice I hear inside of me and are often so unbalanced I would sound insane and frighten or insult people.

And no, please read my post about hearing voices, I am not schizophrenic, although I do get auditory flashbacks, I have a firm grip on reality and that is not what I am talking about here. But when I listen to myself, it usually isn’t me right away, as my core beliefs come first and I have to battle to let my own voice come through. My brainwashing, my conditioning, was so severe, so complete in my childhood that my first thoughts are filtered through something that I must work carefully to remove.

Some of these are stuck points, some are cognitive distortions, some are the perpetual sick and twisted darkness within me. I was raised by a sadistic pedophilic psychopath and a narcissist. I have accepted that this has touched every neuron in my head. How could it not? Some people have said that simply watching a creepy movie like Silence of the Lambs got in their heads forever. Imagine being raised by someone like that. I will never have the freedom to simply let my thoughts go by unexamined for flaws and distortions.

I am an introvert, it is undeniably true. I may also be on the autistic/asperger spectrum if you need a way to understand how my behavior might appear. I’m trying to explain how it feels, and what it looks like inside my head. I’m trying to say, please be patient with those quiet people, they may need more time to think than you during a conversation. If you jump topics, speak too quickly, and get impatient or demand a response, it is very stressful. I probably won’t give you much if any eye contact. You will think I am shy or nervous or rude. Or weird.

Mostly I don’t care. Except I don’t want to bother anyone or hurt anyone, so I’m very careful not to offend or do the wrong thing. I’d rather leave or avoid a conversation than try to form the right response like that, its not worth it to me. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, so I need to go through all of my responses to make sure I am being polite, make sure I didn’t miss your  meaning, maybe you were joking, maybe you referenced something in the news I need to form an opinion about, maybe I need to remove my depression filter so I don’t frighten you, maybe I need to remind my face how to smile. All of this takes time and energy, and I’ll do it if you are important to me. Otherwise, shhhh. Don’t make me talk to you if I don’t have to. Better yet, don’t make listen to you. Get to the point efficiently and don’t play games. I hate being confused.

Everything in my head is telling me that you are lying. Most people are lying about something, it just isn’t important, because it is a slight exaggeration, but I can still discern this and so my alarm bells get triggered for feeling unsafe and I have to pause and figure out why you are lying and what your motives are.

Or I feel invisible. Maybe I am actually trying to get noticed, to speak up finally to people that don’t know I exist, and my tiny voice is inaudible, and my powers of being invisible are impossible to turn off, and the cliques in town are to rude and impenetrable so I stop trying and go home to write an email. Feeling invisible is both a power and a trigger for feeling worthless.

Or maybe I’m fighting the darkness. Depression has its grips on me and everything seems pointless. That’s a tough one. I have to filter every thought and word on those days because literally I want to die, or at least stop fighting, and have lost hope, and everything is so hard, I’m so tired, everyone is so stupid. I use all or nothing thinking, I jump to the worst conclusions, I assume everything is my fault on those days. I struggle to follow simple conversations, I can’t keep up. I feel stupid and slow and want to hide. I know I have to toss out the garbage thoughts and find the ones that sound like me – buried, and tired to core- but me.

I may never have naturally balanced thoughts spontaneously. I may get better with all this monitoring and practice. Impossible to say. But I do know I want this sculpture in my yard.  Or tattooed on my … something. I found this pic on Pixabay like I do all my images, apparently this is in Copenhagen and I love it.

The Need to Be Understood

English: Uphill footpath Looking uphill near t...

Uphill path  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a huge, monstrous, inescapable need to be understood. It is not a wish or a desire – it is a need. Sadly, I am struggling with this constantly. As an abuse survivor, yes certainly, but I think mainly just as a human, and hugely as a wife.

Here’s a great blog post I found http://sleightmind.com/2007/04/19/our-need-to-be-understood/

My marriage has been distant from the start – from my point of view not his – since I was not real when I got married. No, I was not somehow fictional or imaginary, but I was still under my abuser’s power at that point and acting out of fear and survival, and honestly not over a previous relationship. I married as an escape, searching for security. I feel I had no business getting married so young and fragile, before I knew myself, or anything about love. Hubby knows all this now.  But I don’t think he really understands.

My husband loves me. I love him. That part is true. But we don’t understand each other, and I don’t feel a satisfying emotional connection to him.  I’m grateful for him. I appreciate all he does. The thing that bothers me most here, is that Hubby has no NEED for me to understand him. It is infuriating to me. Boggles my mind. See, I’m an analyst – partly from past abuse and partly from just who I am. I do something – I analyze it. I feel something – I analyze it. I experience something – I must analyze it. I must understand.

Hubby seems tired of this analytical process. He never initiates it, never asks questions, but is always “willing” to do it. His willingness seems forced to me, like he is also willing to have a cavity filled by the dentist, and sits patiently until the process is complete. He is unable to analyze without judging or feeling judged. I can’t explain why I need to go over every minute of my life in instant replay, to see cause/effect, to see pros/cons, to categorize and process. I’m much better at living in the moment, but I still have this need to relive those moments, either in writing or discussion. I can do it alone in my thoughts, but then well, I am alone in my thoughts, and we all know it is not healthy to stay there too long. And so enters the feeling of disconnect, and the need to be understood by Hubby.

I don’t know how to get past this.

I forced Hubby through a session of analysis last night, and feel less understood than ever. I wanted to discuss a recent family event, and put everything into place. I am still following the 3 day rule for fighting fairly. He brought up times over the past few months when I was nasty to him. He is not telling me when he feels hurt, because he thinks he can’t add to my pain. He doesn’t understand that my biggest source of pain right now is feeling isolated, and that I can feels his walls of apathy. He is confused and hurting, and so am I.

I told him that I feel more understood by many random bloggers that write and comment. He showed me some anger, and revealed that he is jealous of my blogging, and hates that I talk to everyone here more than him. Sigh. He has been invited to this blog. He chooses not to read it, and rarely responds to any of it, other than “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Well, I’ve had enough of him feeling sorry. Yes, my childhood sucked, and yes, I still have pain from it. But offering me sympathy alone will not get me closer to the authentic me I am trying to be.

I’m so sad to be back in this place, after being so hopeful and making so much progress. Our family is much more peaceful than before I rocked the boat. Anger still comes up too often, but it is not the first reaction any more. But those deep resentments seem to be in there on both sides. I think I have let go of mine, to give him the “fresh start” he asked for, but it seems he is still unable to even air his resentments of me. He thought he was protecting me, but learned to not be real to me, and we resent that. And what scares me most now, is that he does not seem to like the real me. The me that needs processing, analysis, emotional venting and closure. He doesn’t need that, and feels bothered and attacked by it. Is it enough to share that analytical part of me with bloggers alone? Can a marriage continue that way?

Now I’m not giving up, still in counseling, still fighting the good fight, but I do dream of a day when I don’t have to fight. I am concerned that Hubby has stopped his own counseling. That he only went to a few sessions to satisfy me and shut me up. I don’t feel like he wants to keep working on this, he is content to sweep it all under a rug and go on with no changes. Well, that won’t work for me.

How do I get what I need without annoying Hubby or putting too much pressure on him? It seems my needs should not be annoying. And yet he feels inadequate, which is not entirely incorrect, since I feel like I need more from him, but can’t for the life of me explain what it is, since it is not concrete, not something to do, but something I need him to feel, and I fear he may not have it in him. And I fear where else I may go to find what I need.