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Fighting job hunting worthlessness

Unemployed. Isn’t that a nasty word? It is to me. Synonyms could be lazy. Good for nothing. Moocher. Freeloader. Waste of space. 

Worthless.

I know those aren’t my words and as much as I don’t apply those beliefs to others, I still do for myself. My own standards are higher. I still feel driven, this need to impress and succeed, or I feel like nothing.

I have started job hunting and I’m trying to be realistic and gentle on myself. My energy is not high. I need something flexible with minimal stress and hours. I tell myself this is temporary. That one day I may apply for those more ambitious and desirable jobs again. But I’m not so sure I’ll ever be ready. So I try to focus on me now, to process the unbalanced thoughts of needing to be perfect, comforting my sadness when I feel worthless.

I keep trying to tell hubby, but he doesn’t get it, and I stop, too ashamed to continue. I tell him I don’t like job hunting. He says, yeah its frustrating. I sigh. I have no way to explain the depth of this pain. How much it hurts to be triggered by my failure stuck point with each job post I am not qualified for, or worse, so much worse, when I apply for a job I didn’t really want but get rejected.

This hurts. Frustrating would be much more manageable. 

And hubby doesn’t know how much it hurt when he asked if the job boards were full of the same sh*tty jobs as usual. Because I am applying for those crappy jobs…and not getting hired. Which means I’m even crappier.

Hubby also doesn’t know how difficult it is for me to contain my jealousy as he talks about work. I try to be supportive, but some days I don’t want to hear his hero, he saved the day at work stories. Because all I did was scrape cheese off the dishes here at home. I know I am working in my trauma recovery program, but it doesn’t feel the same. I don’t feel like a hero or a problem solver. I think I am guilty of applying the stigma to myself. Hmm. Because I don’t feel proud, or even share with my family what I do in counseling. I don’t come home and say “I finally had some movement on a tough stuck point today…” nope. My kids don’t even know I am in counseling.

So I’m tackling this  job hunting like exposure therapy. I’m doing what I don’t want to do, every day, and experiencing every negative emotion slowly, then bringing myself back to center, slowly, using my new tools. 

I’ll keep at it. Eventually someone will hire me, and eventually maybe my self worth as a human won’t be connected so completely to my ability to make money. I am not going to go numb or put on a fake smile. This hurts. So I will feel the hurt and recover. I don’t have to like it. But I do need it to stop destroying me.

Feeling mostly useless

My current state of mind and body is all new territory. I am either mentally or physically unable to do most of what I used to do just a year ago. I’m feeling mostly useless now, like I’m mostly occupying space. ( granted much less space than I used to, I’ve lost so much weight which is good)

I used to create our budget and pay our bills. Hubby does this now. I asked him to take it over out of necessity last year when the migraines hit full force, then asked him to continue to minimize my stress. Other than feeling a bit out of the loop, I don’t miss it. So lately when hubby has seemed stressed and pressed for time, I’ve offered to help out and pay bills if he wanted me too, or take that chore back from him if he preferred. Surprisingly he said no. He prefers to keep doing it himself. As much as I wanted to be helpful, I was greatly relieved by his response.

My other household tasks include washing dishes, vacuuming, sometimes making meals, helping with homework, calendar planning, driving kids to school, and general light duty tidying. The kids and hubby do all of the lifting, pushing, moving, etc.

I fill my days with TV, video games, therapy homework, chatting to online friends, exercise, and distracting myself from pain.

I used to be the person with ideas, with skills and talents, with more use than time. Now I have all of this time and I feel mostly useless.

If I wanted this much drama

I’d move to Hollywood.

Seriously blindsided again by a drama-nado. Someone at work makes an easy to make human error. Someone else finds it and starts talking about it, to everyone except the one who did it. By the time it gets back to one who made the mistake, 6 people are all in a frenzy, discussing it at length in email, phone and IM all day long.

How could this happen? It wasn’t my fault. Doesn’t she know any better? Do we need to add this to the training program? I thought we covered it already! Maybe we need to fire her? Let’s see if we can find any other little mistakes. LOOK! She did make another mistake yesterday, look what I found! Did you see this? But wait, maybe this one wasn’t her fault, look who asked her to do it. Should we make a new policy? No mistakes allowed before noon. But isn’t mistake a gray area? we need to nail it down first or it won’t be fair. We can coach the mistakes away. The system? No, nothing is wrong with the system, it works perfectly, if we could just get all of our people to stop making mistakes. No they don’t make mistakes because the system is too confusing, you just check that box, check that box, initial this one, never check that box, always write in this box, use capitals in this box, underline this one, copy this one into that one and copy that one into this one. Simple. How could anyone mess that up? Yes we’ve hired and fired 12 people to do this job and no one can do it. So what? that just proves it is so hard to find good people that actually care about doing a good job. Wait, she didn’t get the memo. I just checked and her name is not on this list. So she didn’t know we moved that box and she should check the other box now. Well she should have known and asked us before doing it wrong.

That is my day, every day.

But there is a plan. Structure is being inserted, like a pipe cleaner into jello, but it is a start. Communication is happening – starts loudly and goes to all the wrong people first, but eventually it gets to the right person now. Messes are getting cleaned up. And no one has been fired for a few months. A few key people have admitted it is the system that needs fixing. A few key roadblocks have stepped out of the way for progress.

Like any good drama, these are the days of our lives, I am hooked. I can’t wait for the next episode, even though I also don’t want to waste my time with it. Drama is addictive. I try to stay out, to only observe, but I am not immune. And darn if I’m not human.

Or maybe I just want my own academy award? why not. Well, maybe not, I don’t have it in me to compete with the divas. But part of me is enjoying being the understudy. love/hate is a fine line.