I did not realize how completely I had shut down. It was like I went into power saver mode, only doing what what critically necessary each day, nothing more. I stopped thinking, writing, analyzing. If you know me at all – this is an amazing feat. I accomplished this by becoming absorbed by a few computer games and tv shows, sometimes simultaneously, making sure no thoughts were possible to pop into my head.
I existed only for my children. I was mom, I always know how to do that, how to be there for them. I tried to be wife, but that has again proved to be an epic failure. I don’t think I tried to be me though. I was too tired.
I have been beaten down, defeated, lost, and spinning my wheels looking for something to grab onto.
I have now realized that not only was I beaten down, I was beaten while I was down. I understand my need to retreat and shut down. But I think it is time to wake up, look around, and see if the coast is clear. I think its safe to come out now.
I still have no direction. I am unemployed. Operating at about half brain power, more on my neuropsych testing later. I am still alone in this world.
I am have started back up with my previous therapist, the one I have known and seen off and on for most of my adult life. Mostly I wanted to talk to someone that knows me well and see if we can work together to find some goals for me. For the first time in my path I can’t even see my path clearly, and it’s scary here.
But you know I’m a fighter, and I’m rested and ready to fight again. I just need to know what to do, what is worth fighting for. Nothing seems to matter or have a point yet, or seem possible. I am confident that together we will figure it out though, and that I am ready to start an entirely new part of my life.