Internal Conflicts

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I am not at peace. Nothing in me is at peace. I sense the battle, I feel like I am fighting, and its because I am. Even within myself, my own systems, my own body parts are at odds, creating pain and conflict.

I could give so many examples, literal and more abstract. The point I’m trying to make is a concrete one today though, as I discover yet another physical issue, a malfunction, a deformity of my bones. I can poke fun a bit today, because yesterday I cried. I’m done crying so I am dealing with this the only way I know how.

So my big toe has been hurting. Not a major concern to me, it has hurt most of my life, but much more so recently. It aches after I walk. I assumed it was due to a few factors: a horse stepped on it when I was about 7 and I received no medical care, it is on my weaker leg with drop foot, I stomp and stub and don’t walk properly on that foot for most of my life. I figured it was hurting more now perhaps because I am walking better? Using my toe more? hmm. Or do I have more feeling in that foot now since the recent back surgery? Was it always hurting this much? Not sure.

What I do know is that it never used to look like a zombie toe. Yep. Now after I walk, especially on uneven ground like gravel or hills, my toes fills with blood, like internal bruises. Black plague? Despite appearances I don’t think so…so I went for an xray and my doctor says nothing is broken, maybe I sprained it, and I should get new shoes. Umm okay.

6 weeks and a new pair of shoes later, I still have zombie toe. I saw a podiatrist yesterday. After more xrays, he is confused, and comes in the room with my favorite phrase. Wait for it, you know what’s coming, right?

“I’ve never seen this before”

Sigh

Okay what special lottery did I win this time? Apparently my toe joint did not grow correctly.  It has been this way for most of my life. Oh! The joint is too small, missing the cup, bulbous portion to support and lock, to provide balance. It is up too high and needs to travel too far to reach the ground, my foot needs to twist and flex to support me. My toe is hyperflexing at that joint, busting blood vessels. Not a birth defect but a growth defect, possibly related to scoliosis, or possibly that horse injured the growth plate, but it doesn’t look like it was ever injured or broken, just never grew properly. Apparently, limping on it for 28 years has concealed this issue, actually done me a favor but now that I’m putting all of my weight and attempting to correct my gait to use a proper heel toe roll step instead of the drag slap I was using, it is stressing my malformed toe.

Seriously

So I still can’t walk correctly or get up to jogging without breaking my toe off. Okay. Sure.

What the FUCK?? OKay, I am trying to keep my cool, but why does the universe not want me to walk or run?? Why is this so damn hard? I want to kick this stupid life in the face but it would hurt my stupid deformed toes so I won’t.

So now what? Well they sent me home with a make shift support brace made out of tape, spray glued onto my foot, that’s supposed to last several days if I keep it dry. I can retape it then myself maybe. Then they made molds of my feet and are making me custom orthotics to support my freaky feet. I’ll get those in a few weeks.

They said it will be very painful, because we need to move the bones, like braces on teeth, it will be a slow process. Part support and part correction from years of walking incorrectly. Tight ligaments, weak muscles, loose joints, a real mess. He added a new rx to my PT regimen for my foot for stretching and strengthening to help with gait. I may never walk without a limp. Yeah okay, just what I wanted to hear.

This tape already affects how I walk, since I can’t flex my foot, it is hurting my knee and hip to compensate. I feel all off balance, and its just some tape. Not looking forward to stiff orthotics in my shoes. That’s just me complaining, sorry. I’ll do it, and I’ll be okay. But I guess I was using my foot to make up for the lack of flexibility, now that my spine is fused to my pelvis, I am walking totally different than prior to this surgery. I feel like an android with new programming, just working out the kinks to walking 4.2, please wait.

I may have always been destined to have a limp, even without the neurological issues that arose from the back surgery. The shape of my foot is so strange. My mind is blown.

I struggled to find shoes that fit me comfortably as a kid, even before the surgery, and I was delayed in many motor skills, like I was 10 before I could ride a bike without training wheels. I was ridiculed for this, never taken to a doctor to see why.

I want to hate my body each time I get more news of my freakiness. I hold back tears until I reach my car in the parking lot each time a doctor says, woah that’s odd, and gets all confused about how to proceed. I want to start over with healthy bones and nerves. I imagine for moments what life must be like for people that just get up and walk with no effort, but that isn’t helpful. I can’t fight this. I can’t hate it, that would be hating me, and I know that gets me nowhere and I’m tired of being nowhere.

No, I need to accept this too, work on compassionately comforting my pain, coming up with a treatment plan to correct or at least slow the progress from getting worse. I need to protect myself. Those quick thoughts that yes, my parents should have done this for me 30 years ago pass over me, overwhelm me with anger and sadness, but then I let it out and let it go. That’s over. Its up to me now. I’m here and ready to do what needs to be done.

I have a feeling all of my bones are formed wrong if they xrayed everything and I don’t just have scoliosis but some other bone/nerve disease. I know my shoulders have similar issues like my toes. I’d bet you anything my hip, knee and finger pain would find anomalies if we investigated. I mean I use a weirdo mouse for my thumb pain and have braces periodically for my ankle, knee, elbow….hmmm. I’m trying to find the connection, asthma, migraines, scoliosis, joint problems, balance issues, muscle cramps, weakness and twitches, leg movement during sleep, sensory issues, feeling cold, fatigue, sleep issues. I found CMT which has some similarities but my feet don’t look like that, not yet anyway. I read some people did not get diagnosed until age 60-70 because it progressed slowly their whole lives. I think I may mention it to my neurologist anyway, get them thinking more holistically if I can. I know this is all connected somehow. I feel so certain my mom did not have fibromyalgia but whatever this mystery condition is, and that I have it, and so do my kids. Maybe genetic testing can be done? I’ll have to ask. I feel so certain that if I didn’t have the trauma component I would already be diagnosed. But I can’t stay on that thought either. Just keep pushing onward.

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4 thoughts on “Internal Conflicts

  1. I wish I could say, “Stop being so special!” And it would go away. It won’t. You’re idea makes more sense than anything else. Keep fighting for you.

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