Paranoia, mistrust, or I know better

Paranoia sounds like a clinical disorder and it is a label given to many with PTSD and other anxiety embedded illnesses. I wanted to write yesterday about the distinction between paranoia and mistrust. When is it a problem that needs treatment?

My recent TV obsession, Perception, really had me thinking about paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, and what our mind does to trick us versus what it does to warn us. A neuroscientist with schizophrenia. He understood the brain so well but could not control his own. He was often lost in his own delusions, caught talking to people that were not there, thinking complicated schemes that were not true. But then sometimes they were there, sometimes they were true.

This TV show I think accurately portrayed some aspects of living with schizophrenia, based on what my brother has told me, and my own experience with delusions and hallucinations. I have dipped my toe into the blurry line of “is this really happening?”. I have never had complicated paranoid delusions about aliens, government conspiracies. I don’t think people are watching my every move. I am far too boring for that.

I do however think everyone has an ulterior motive, a selfish side, that some sick need will cause them to hurt me or my family. And if I don’t think they do it on purpose, I think they will screw it up and hurt us out of pure idiocy and incompetence.

I wanted to illustrate some examples. I am not sure how many of these are truly unbalanced thoughts based on stuck points, or simply me being cautious based on my experience. I don’t know if these need “fixing”.

I don’t trust most medical professionals. I think they want to attach labels, push meds, not treat the whole body, not listen to the whole situation. I have too many examples to list them all. I am not anti-meds, but I do prefer natural approaches when it makes sense. I also think many of them let ego get in the way, or receive kickbacks from drug companies to push the latest drugs. Why don’t doctors ever tell you about breathing techniques for anxiety? nope. Here is your xanax. Why don’t they ask you what you eat everyday? Blood tests only provide a momentary snapshot.

Now I am not extreme (I think?). We go to doctors, dentists, specialists, when we need them. But I do my own research and I ask so many questions. If doc can’t answer or gets annoyed, I get a new doc. I drive 2 hours to the big city sometimes to get the best doctors, like for our scoliosis, not messing around with that. But kiddo’s broken arm? Yeah any local ortho can handle that. But many people are amazed at how infrequent we go to doctors. We treat colds and sore throats at home with tea and honey. No one here has had antibiotics in about 7 years, since we had strep. But my germophobia has them constantly washing their own hands too, so we don’t get sick all that often actually, thank goodness. First thing we do whenever we enter the house is wash our hands. Is that paranoid or just makes sense?

I don’t trust people that show they care about me. OK. Obviously I know this one is a bit warped. That for me, someone showing concern sets off alarm bells. I immediately wonder why? What are they up to? What is their end game? Because no matter how much I say it out loud, I can’t fix the part of me that feels I am not worthy of being cared for, or it is only a trick, it isn’t real. I think love is a mix of chemicals, a fun rush like alcohol. Love is also the choices we make. Most people don’t make loving choices, they make fearful choices. Fear wins over love.

 

 

I don’t trust coworkers. I have never had a positive work experience, despite working in many different places. Well, that’s a bit harsh. I loved my one job for a while, but it all crumbled. I always find out the friendly coworker or supervisor is secretly plotting for my position, stealing my ideas, willing to lie to get jobs done. My ethics are possibly too high to be satisfied anywhere. Everyone lies, and corruption is a rampant disease. Some may be little things, coworkers sneaking off, hanging out in the copy room or out back having a smoke, or not clocking out for lunch. Some are bigger things, tossing out files, fudging reports and data. I have zero tolerance for liars and cheaters. They make me sick, literally.

I don’t trust friends. (currently I have none) They always want something but are not there for you…Can you drive my kid to school, can you tutor me in math, can you lead the children’s group, can you paint the scenery…These are not friends, they just want something for nothing. Others want to gossip and stir up drama. no thanks. Talking is my least favorite activity if it has no point or end in sight. I am in physical pain saying “shut up, shut up, shut up” silently to myself while looking at the clouds go by. Most people don’t even care if you listen. Just nod and they are content. I don’t get it. Why blab on if you don’t even care about what you are saying? When I speak, my words are carefully selected. I only say what is needed, when it is needed. People use other people to get what the want and to feel better about themselves.

I don’t trust the government. Yeah well, look at this election. Seriously. Idiots. Power hungry, corrupted, liars. enough said. I did vote, because I think our right to vote is important and because I modeled that to my kids.  This process is broken though. Was this done intentionally to start protests and riots? Does someone have an end game here? It all seems fishy to me.

I don’t trust technology. A computer and phone are tools for work and safety, and now social connection. I do think most apps are loaded with spyware and viruses and potentially unsafe. I run clean up tools daily but I still fear my accounts will be hacked, which is funny because I have no money so the joke is on the hacker for wasting their time.

I don’t trust the media. More liars. Each network gives you a different spin. Commercials there selling crap that doesn’t do what it says it will unless you read the fine print. The world view crafted to look a certain way. The masses placated with idiotic mindless shows or hours of sports so we don’t all feel the anger that I do every day and revolt. That would be bad, actually. Keep the people pacified is probably better. Eat a cheeseburger, drink a beer, watch football, and think you are all happy. La da dee, life goes on.

So am I paranoid? Perhaps, but maybe I am sick of being lied to my entire life and watching everyone else happily accept the lies as truths. I’ll be okay one day, in my own unique way. Quietly on my own.

 

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Paranoia, mistrust, or I know better

  1. I JUST started watching perception yesterday! I really really like it. I watched 3 episodes before I went to bed. I think there is a healthy skepticism and feel and have experienced most of what you have written about. When you find so much truth in these things it is really hard to ignore them. When friends have used you, the medical profession has let you down, etc, it is easy to become wary and I don’t know that there is anything wrong with that as long as it doesn’t turn into outright cynicism which I have to keep in check.

    • That’s great you just started watching Perception too, I really enjoyed it and was sad the series ended abruptly. I like how they illustrate his challenges and struggles but also show how successful he can be when he accepts that he is unique.

      I like that word ‘wary’. I am wary and cautious and I suppose I also do what I need to do to keep it in check, make sure it doesn’t become extreme or black/white thinking. It easily could, but my self awareness and all of my coping tools keep me a step ahead of it I think.

  2. Overall, I think you expressed a great deal of common sense, which isn’t common anymore.

    I wash my hands whenever I come home from anywhere. Good habit.

    I wish I could refer you to my old doctor. He retired a year ago. He advocated whatever worked, especially if it was natural.

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