Where do we go from here

What if you can’t get there from here? What if you can’t go back, those roads are gone? What if you look ahead and see the same familiar roadblocks?

I lost hope that hubby will ever be a strong yet gentle supportive being I need. We try to be kind to each other but it is not working. The hurts run deep. Each unable to forgive and trust. Each day only hurts worse. The tension makes me sick as I try to smooth things over, do what he needs, explain again why I can’t, try to avoid him and this horrid sense of obligation and burden. I feel obligated to be affectionate. He keeps telling me how much it hurts him that I can’t. He keeps telling me how he can’t stand to hear all my negativity. He keeps saying he is confused, and frustrated.

I feel like a burden. I can’t be what he wants and it seems no matter how much I explain I cannot get him to understand ptsd and what this therapy is digging up.

I tell him I can only sleep for about 15 min at a time, then I wake up in a panic. If I am lucky those minutes are nightmare free. I am usually not lucky. No, my brain is creating new gruesome images to torture me, things that would make Dexter queasy. 

I tell him I barely manage to shower once per week.

I tell him most days I don’t eat food, only coffee or ice cream.

I tell him I have daily flashbacks transporting me to various childhood memories unexpectedly.

He knows all of this, and yet he is confused when I struggle to respond quickly when he invites me out to lunch. I say I don’t know, because it is the truth. I don’t know if my prison of a brain will let me out today. 

And he is frustrated when I dare to give him conditions for this lunch, like that place is too noisy, that one is too smelly. Yes it is frustrating for me too. No I am not being manipulative as you said to me today.

I think if you could, you would understand by now. So I think you can’t. I think you lack the empathy. I know you care about me, but it isn’t enough. You need to be nice to me too. You need to accept me as I am.

I know my behavior is odd. Ptsd is winning right now. But it isn’t like you are clueless. You know my stories. And yet you remain confused.

The sad truth is I feel much better when you aren’t near me. Without you my anxiety is not crippling or devastating. Without you I can make decisions without being badgered. Without you I feel less guilt, more valuable, less fear, more happinesss.

Things can change. Maybe they will. But you were given tools, ABC sheets and homework from the counselor. You never did them. I can’t ask you to change, I can only work on myself. But one day I will be back on my feet, a completely changed woman. If you don’t learn, grown and change too, I fear the distance between us will be irreparable. It is your choice to stay stuck. I want out of this mess.

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8 thoughts on “Where do we go from here

  1. Roots, this is so hard to read, Ibfeel for you. My situation is similar but still different, my biggest fear is that once I get this addiction under control, I believe it will always be a struggle after all that is the nature of addiction, Inafraid she won’t want a relationship like we should of had. It’s a distinct possibility and the thought kills me! In a way I think I need to prepare for my wife to only be a roommate. It is painful! It is sad, he should be seeing someone to learn how to help you! Prayers to you!🙏😩 Barney

    • Thank you. Relationships are so difficult anyway and put any of these strains on it and it can feel impossible. Hubby has had an addiction of his own that I am not sure is past tense. My trust is broken. I do understand, I want to forgive and see he is human, but it feels like some things I cannot accept and I struggle with that line since I never had proper boundaries. So much to learn. I hope you find another way because you both deserve love, living as roommates is painful. I’ve been there for some time.

      • Yea, they are difficult, Now that I’m pulling out of this depression I want so much more for both of us. I don’t want to go into my golden years with a roommate. We’ve done that far too long. I want our kids to see us truly happy together!

  2. As I progressed in my therapy I came to realise that I had a very unhealthy relationship with a member of my family. I gave the person many opportunities to change the way they behaved towards me but they chose not to. I have now had no contact with them for over a year. At first I grieved but it has made my life better.
    What you are going through is both sad and very healing as it looks like you are looking for a healthy relationship where there is mutual love and acceptance on both sides. Keep looking for that, you deserve it.

  3. Wow, can I relate. Empathy is not enough. It’s so hard when they don’t do their homework, when they get embarrassed or think that once a flashback is over, it’s over or what happens in counselling stays in counselling. I wish I had some magic words for you. Keep writing. 🙂

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