I am Grief

It is starting to feel like I am grief, not like I am grieving, not like it is a process, or an emotion that moves through me, but a state of being that is me and completely has consumed me from so many directions.

When I allow myself to feel the sadness, I can’t see to type through the tears, so I need to hold it back to that familiar dull choking feeling that is now my life. That no one wants to see or acknowledge. Yes I am still sad today. Yes it sucks. Yes I need more time. I don’t want to apologize for how I am any more. I don’t want to explain it any more. I want it to be understood. But this is my life – I don’t get what I want.

I do feel moments of happiness with my kids, I do, but it is heavy, weighed down by this sadness, like I have an upper limit, or this shadow turning everything good a bit blurry.

I miss my mom. So much. So many things I want to show her, share with her, apologize for, explain to her. I see her everywhere, the songs she liked, the candy she liked, flowers she liked. I have paintings I started for her

I am also hurting as I realize I have not been treated very well here. I realized I did not receive one sympathy card, no flowers, no casseroles. Not even from my in-laws. Nada nothing. I did get one phone call from an aunt, the wife of my mom’s brother checked on me. That’s it. No one else reached out to me at all. Same for when AF died the year before. I know that was complicated, but everyone pretended it didn’t happen. I have lost both of my parents in the space of a year and a half, both were not even 70.

Then AF declared for the world to see that he never loved me, in his Will.

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That broke me. I crumbled. Whatever was holding me together for so many years was shattered then. I lost myself. I became suicidal. I lost my job. I was hospitalized. Then as I was recovering my mom got cancer and didn’t tell me. I had pushed her away while I was healing. I didn’t speak to her during her last year on earth because AF broke me. He stole her from me again. Just like as a child, he kept her from me, creating fear by telling me she hated me and never wanted me.

Hubby is still not understanding. He is not gentle or comforting for me. His volatile moods and rough responses are too much for me to handle right now so I generally avoid him. When I do specifically ask him to do something for me and I think he understands, he does not follow through, leaving me hurt and confused, feeling betrayed all over again. I say please don’t tell ___ to your mom, it will get around to your sisters and come back to torment me and I don’t want to deal with all of that. He agrees. Then an hour later I hear him, he is telling his mom ___ on the phone. (Next day his sisters text me about it…I hate drama, wanted to avoid it, none of their business, didn’t matter, leave me alone, I give vague responses until it settles down) I ask him later why he did that? He yells at me. It is my fault again. How was he supposed to know. Sigh. Do I give up or do I try again?

I don’t understand. I have such little trust as it is, these events don’t help. I am spiraled into emotional flashbacks because he can’t do what he tells me he will do. Did he not agree with me in the first place? Am I not important enough to grant or remember this request? Was he lying to shut me up, make me happy, with no intention of not telling? The doubts flood my brain as I try to make sense of what happened. And he says, Sorry (but he says it so rough like a bark, not sincere), whatever, What’s the big deal.

Then we are trying to plan a party for his parents. It keeps getting more and more complicated, with his one sister coming in from out of state, the one married to the guy I accused of being a creep a few years ago. That plus they are adding more events to the day, a family photo, lunch, dinner, coffee and dessert, all in different locations. I told hubby that I was concerned I may not be able to do all of that. Then he said to his sister on the phone that I may be too tired, not have enough energy to do all of that. My heart sunk. Is he ashamed of me? He can avoid this topic but not the one I asked him to? So I texted his sister after he hung up “Hey I’m not sure he explained it very well, I want to do everything you have planned and it sounds like a great day for everyone and your parents, but I am still struggling with social anxiety and other symptoms of ptsd that may make it difficult for me to do so many events all in one day. I don’t want to let you all down, I will do my best to manage but wanted you to be aware.” She texted back “ok”

So I am trying to be real with the only people in my life. I keep hoping they will one day be more accepting, accommodating, instead of only me being forced to hide my symptoms and smile pretty for them so they aren’t uncomfortable. I have no idea how I married into such an unsupportive group, I suppose some part of me knew this, guaranteeing my isolation and continuation of what was familiar. They aren’t pedophiles and psychopaths, but dysfunction runs rampant.

Maybe a supportive functional family is a myth.

I am trying to manage this grief that keeps trying to swallow me whole. But I noticed I have forgotten how to smile. It is no longer natural. I started practicing in a mirror and those muscles feel so heavy and I can only produce an odd crooked grin.

I am turning 40 very soon. I have no plans. No party. No friends. No extended family, just my kids.They are the only humans I feel safe with, can feel happy with. I hate how much I need them. My daughter is my best friend, we talk about everything. I already fear the day when they grow a bit older and I lose them. Then I will truly be alone on this planet. Until then I will try to cherish the moments and try to make this creepy grin into a real smile and try not to think about how unimportant I am to everyone else.

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15 thoughts on “I am Grief

  1. Wow. What an excellent description of your feelings. You know what? You are not alone. I could relate to much of what you said. Here is something that I learned years ago. People come and go, jobs come and go. Health comes and goes. Money comes and goes. If we allow any of those things to dictate our happiness or security, its a recipe for failure. If you are a Christian, I would encourage you to put your security in Christ. Your identity in Christ. Your hope in Christ. You see, He is the same yesterday, today and forever! No worrying about the roller coasters of all those other things…
    tj

  2. I hate clicking the Like on this post but want you to know I read. I wish I could help. I’ll share a few of the thoughts that slipped through my mind as I read: I won’t say what I want to do to your dad, the jerk. Endeavoring to be less vindictive. I never thought about no one mourning with you about your mom. Selfishly, I wondered what I’m going to do when someone attempts to mourn with me, when the time comes. Your chosen family, hubby, et. al., treated you better than your own family, but that didn’t mean they treated you well. Better was better. You’ve changed; they haven’t. Keep fighting for you. You are worth it.

  3. You are not unimportant and this is why. I have these exact same feelings and a lot of similar circumstances. My kids are my world and keep me alive. They, too, are all that I have…no other support exists in my world. What makes you important to me is that these words you wrote helped me feel like I was not alone in this. That there is someone out there that does understand. Thank you.

    • Wow thank you, your kind words mean so much to me. I truly do hope I can bring some comfort to you as you say. We have so many challenges to navigate, it helps me to read your words as well. ((hugs))

  4. (Hugs). You know how much out inner lives relate so I’m sure it’s no surprise that I relate so well. I have two people I rely on entirely and no friends aside from coworkers….no real friends. I turned 40 lying on my couch and went to sleep at 3 in the afternoon, I think.

    You should be very proud of yourself you know? You have done all this torturous work to heal yourself and now you’re standing up for you. For YOU! it’s not easy when you feel all alone in it, but take pride that you are strong and powerful all on your own. Xx. I’m proud of you and how far you’ve come in the time I’ve known you. That’s for sure.

    • Thanks yeah I know you can relate. And that is why it makes me smile to get your comments. I can accept that you are proud of me and mean it. It feels empty or patronizing from people in real life that don’t truly understand our struggles. I gave up on needing a big birthday bash, just had that momentary weakness where I compare myself to others. I am not them. And that is okay. Xx

  5. You are not alone. Life is so very difficult. Everyone has their demons and battles they must fight every day. I am devastated for you for the loss of your mom and unresolved emotions you have with the fallout after her death. You can get through this. You have the strength, the courage and a warrior inside that will be victorious in the end. Beautifully written and a rare precious gift you gave to us…being open and showing raw vulnerability in sharing. Thank you, ~amy

  6. Wow. Just wow. Thank you for your honesty and bravery in facing up to the painful truth. “When I allow myself to feel the sadness, I can’t see to type through the tears, so I need to hold it back to that familiar dull choking feeling that is now my life.” Boy can I empathise with that. I like to call it “the Wall” – every day I try to keep the wall intact just so I can get about my day to day life, otherwise the pain of missing her so much will just consume me. Once again thank you for your powerful blog – I find it so helpful in the grieving process to write and share and read about what others have shared. Sending much love your way xx

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