People keep expecting me to be normal

I am far from normal. I used to pretend really well. I used to smile and force myself through each day desperate to blend in, to hide my troubles, to appear normal. It used to be easier, with numbed out emotions, drinking too much, and dissociating. Now that I am present, the world continues to be terrifying and overwhelming. Triggers wait for me around each bend, around each thought at times. 

This is my new normal. I have complex PTSD. I have for many years, but I am in a different stage now. I know it is confusing. You and I both know intellectually this thing, whatever it is today, that I am unable to do is safe, totally not dangerous at all. And yet I have to do mental and breathing exercises to prepare for it. 

Sometimes I get hit with a triggering event or multiple events so fast I am not even sure why I changed my mind until I reflect and fill out ABC and challenging belief sheets later. All I know in the moment is I want to go home or stay home or get out of the room you are in and hide. The shame and fear chokes me.

All I do know is that if you keep expecting me to have normal reactions and act surprised, angry, hurt, confused each time I am triggered, like you don’t know me at all, then my shame is increased. You want me to be better, but I am not. I am sorry.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “People keep expecting me to be normal

  1. Hugs, your progress is amazing. You don’t need to apologize to others that cannot comprehend what they haven’t experienced. I learned it is easier for someone to blame me for their discomfort than for them to self examine their disrespect of me and my challenges. Another thing I learned, normal is a setting on a drier. I remember having this raw feeling, it was part of the healing process.
    Cheering for you.

    • I don’t want to apologize any more but they seem to require it. I have so few people left in my life, I need to give in a little to them. I am truly trying to understand from their point of view, that my reactions are not normal. I don’t like the term myself, but I can see how I can confuse people. Thanks for the cheers, healing doesn’t feel good yet.

      • Healing doesn’t feel good for a long time. I learned that by letting go of the need to apologize had more to do with accepting myself. Accepting my ‘weirdness’ was very difficult. I still apologize in advance sometimes because I am aware that I don’t have the average reaction to many things. I also apologized the to the audiologist that was terrified by my extreme reaction of having the warm was put in my ears for molding for hearing aides. It wasn’t her fault that I behaved as if I was in extreme pain. Learning not to apologize for taking up space on this planet took quite a bit of healing. Does this make a little sense? Cheering for you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s