Progress or cycles

I slipped away for a bit, dipped my toe into the darkness. I didn’t even know I left until I started to return.

Dropped the kids off at Grandma’s house on Friday night. I became aware on Tuesday that I was still in the same clothes as Friday. No shower? Guess not. Check my hair, it was a knotted matted mess. Check the time…2pm and I am not out of bed, had not eaten. Did I eat yesterday? I see an empty bag of chips. Oh. And a mound of candy wrappers. Oh no.

Depression got me. 3 days in bed with half watching tv and half sleeping.

When I dropped off the kids, I also dropped off my reasons to get out of bed apparently. I knew I was only living for them right now, but this is scary proof of how true that is. I am not living for me.

I am starting to think this ‘progress’ stage of my therapy is not really progress at all, but an upward swing of my cycle. Meaning I have been here before. Do I really know more this time to prevent a future suicide attempt? Has anything really changed?

How can I measure PTSD recovery progress in a real, meaningful way with metrics and goals?

What do I want?

I want to feel safe. Alone. In a crowd. In bed. In a relationship.

I want to sleep. At night. Every night. Without nightmares.

I want to trust. Others. Myself.

I want intimacy. Closeness. Connection. Friendships. A social network.

I want to require less control. Live and breathe. Be free.

I want to enjoy affection. Human touch. Be comforted by hand holding and hugs.

I am not any closer to any of those wants. Which leads me to the next one.

I want to stop wanting to give up.

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3 thoughts on “Progress or cycles

  1. ((rootstoblossom)) Every time you get back up, you win, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Keep fighting for you. You are worthy and worth it.

  2. Sometimes, it is simply knowing there are hills to climb to get there. Hard, I know. Sometimes though it is acknowledging the desire, the want; sometimes this is enough to know you are alive and worth the fight.

  3. I have observed that when I begin to climb out of the hole again, there comes a point where I know what I want, but am not well enough yet to do everything I want at once and then I stumble. Maybe that is where you are at? When I read your words just now it struck me how much emotion you have to reach and to feel the pain of not being all better yet. Keep on trying and loving yourself. Even when the kids are not there, see yourself with their living eyes. You’ve done it before, you can do it again.

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