Such an odd feeling to be trapped in your own body. Since my back surgery in April I keep having these odd moments of panic, nearly like claustrophobia, but the small, tight space I am confined within is my own body.
My initial back surgery as a child fused most of my spine but left a few vertebrae at the base in the lumbar L4-S1 and up in my neck free to turn and twist. My recent surgery extended the fusion and internal hardware to give me more stability against my scoliosis and kyphosis. My lumbar discs had deterioriated and disappeared. I had air gaps in my spinal column from so much slipping motion between my vertebrae. This has been corrected. I am no longer in pain. The nerve has been decompressed. I am getting stronger every day. However I had to sacrifice even more of my precious little flexibility.
This may not sound like much to those of you with a bendy, twisty spine. You can’t imagine what it is like to have a solid, rigid backbone. You can’t imagine having perfect posture and never being able to stretch your side muscles, do a sit up, arch or curl your back. I also can’t jump, as your spine is a natural shock absorber, being solid puts all that force onto one spot like a sledge hammer. Not that I was very jumpy, but jostly things like hay rides or roller coasters are quite painful. I have moments when tears come to my eyes now, out of frustration, not pain. I feel like I’m trapped in a shell.
The extra hardware alongside the original hardware have completely eliminated all the twisting. Good for pain. But it feels so odd. Like I am in a full body cast. I simply can’t move.
I can no longer rest my head on Hubby’s shoulder when snuggling in bed. I can barely reach the floor, if I drop or spill something. I have to do a combination of a sumo wrestler squat/ballerina lunge since I can only bend within my hip joint itself, nothing in my back at all. I started driving again this week, and I can barely see for backing up, only having motion in my neck, no longer able to twist at all. I can’t see or get items from the back of the fridge or cupboards. I can’t tuck in my kids, I have to hug them before they get in bed. I can’t reach my dogs’ tummy when they lay on the floor, only with my feet. I can tie my own shoes now, but I have to hold my breath and stretch first. I can’t do even the little bit of yoga I used to do.
I will get used to my new body given more time. I’ll keep working on my leg flexibility too. And I am so happy to walk around without the pain, truly I am. I only wanted to document how odd this experience has been as well, to reach for something that should be within reach, but it may as well be a million miles away because your unbendable body will not let you get there. Kind of like trying to stick your elbow in your ear.
And the toughest part perhaps has been Hubby thinking I am pushing him away, rejecting him. I just can’t get there from here. I can’t get comfortable. I can’t bend and lean into him. All I have is my arms.
I feel like a turtle with a hard awkward shell. Turtles can’t do yoga either, and they always seem quite peaceful. I know I’ll be alright eventually.