Consumed by fear

When did I begin to fear my world more than live in it? I don’t actually know for certain.

I just tried to take a walk outside, around the block in my quiet little town.

The further I got from home, the tighter my skin and muscles felt, the harder it was to keep my breathing slow. We made it down our street to the main street and  I jumped with every passing car as if it were gunshots. The wind in the trees sounded ominous even though it was actually a quiet breeze.

Everything in me wanted to go home. I could hear, see, feel, smell everything a million times too strong. Hypervigilance.

I was wishing hubby would make some conversation to distract me. I was struggling to keep myself grounded.

Then a dog jumped and barked. I screamed. A bloody murder scream. All the tension in me rose up and turned into full panic. I was done. I froze in my tracks. I needed to go home.

Hubby was actually clueless somehow, said something about how peaceful the evening was and he was enjoying the walk. I could barely talk, but said my anxiety was at an 8. Hubby said ohh, wow, he didn’t know, sorry we could be so different.

Again I was wishing hubby would help me. Help me focus, ground, breathe. We walked back home in silence and he says he needs a bath. Which means I’m left to recover alone. And get the kids in bed myself. I was tired from the panic, but also feeling foolish. I did not know I was so afraid to simply go outside. I was fine shopping and at the doctors, so I didn’t know I was afraid to walk on my sidewalk.

I will add this to my list for individual therapy goals, as well as discuss it during couples counseling tomorrow.

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2 thoughts on “Consumed by fear

  1. It doesn’t matter it was a close to home experience. It was a new experience. My routine visits to the grocery store and P.croissant don’t require a pep talk. Walking on my regular days does not require a pep talk. Going for a walk on a different day requires a pep talks. Don’t bother suggesting I take a different route. Not going to happen. I’m practicing being “spontaneous” by not planning on what day I go to Jack-in-the-Box. I wait until a day I don’t want to deal with NM’s competition for the kitchen. I miss some weeks, and I have to remind myself it’s okay. Don’t ask me to go to a different Jack-in-the-Box. I’m impressed you attempted the walk at all, especially since it would feel different by the simple fact the same expected pain isn’t there.

    • Thanks for understanding and sharing your own experience. I have many things I do that require this pep talk as you say. And yes I need my structure and routines to make the scary tasks feel like I’m in control. I truly didn’t know how bad this walk would be. I thought I knew my fears and fear zones, so I was trying to deny my own fear, which of course did not work. But now that I know, I will add it to my list and discuss in therapy. I have a feeling I have some other hidden fears, simply because I have been so isolated for so long, hidden in my safe zone.

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