Nothing to say

I haven’t spoken to my mother in about a year, could be more or less I’m not actually sure. It’s been more since I’ve seen her, maybe two years now. I’m losing track, and my memory is terrible these days.

We didn’t have a great big fight with ugly words. Nothing like that. Our no contact now is due to many reasons. 1. I was just putting more space in between conversations and emails, some on purpose, some due to time and we were naturally growing apart that way. 2. She continued to be a toxic narcissistic personality. 3. My health and growth suffered whenever I interacted with her. 4. When I checked into the psych ward I decided not to tell her, to keep her out, to give myself a safe place. When I checked out I realized I still needed space and distance from my past. I asked her to stop calling and emailing and after a brief escalation of harassing hubby instead of me, she eventually stopped all communication. I never made this same request to my brothers but they had basically stopped talking to me for similar reasons of their own already. It hurts us to look at each other. Seems best to move on separately.

I don’t miss them. We were never a family, so there’s not much to miss. I miss what I never had, but talking to any of them won’t make that happen. Blood does not make a family and I truly feel that we should not have to forgive the unforgivable simply because we share some genetics. If strangers had done what my family had done to me, I’d be allowed to hate them, seek revenge, and cut them out of my life. I’m tired of being judged for not wanting these people.

So I’m going along in silence and my brother texts that moms having surgery soon. My first reaction was….I have nothing to say. I wish her no harm, but I have no attachment to her. This text could have said my brothers mailman is having surgery. I hope it goes well, but no more than I hope the mailman’s life is going well. I don’t plan to drive up for it or call or send a card. This doesn’t change anything for me.

I can already hear someone out there thinking…what if she dies? And at the risk of sounding cold hearted, what if she does? I’d have a tougher time deciding about going to her funeral than my father’s, but that’s it.

I have nothing to say to her. Thinking she could die doesn’t fill me with a need to tell her I miss or love her when neither is true. I actually didn’t think she was immortal these past few years so an upcoming surgery changes nothing.

But I have my brothers text waiting for a response, and this is all a bit much to text back.

I have nothing to say to him either. Just drawing a blank. I guess in one way I appreciate him telling me but really I’d rather not know. He didn’t tell me if its serious or when or where. Seems like he’s testing me to see if I want to know, if I’ll ask any details or even maybe mom asked him to tell me.

I already decided not to tell any of them about my upcoming surgery. I certainly don’t want any of them there or second guessing me with questions.

Choosing not to talk to my mom was as easy as choosing not to go in the most cashiers check out line. Just makes life easier, more peaceful, and I’ve never regretted my choice.

Now I’m too tired to talk about guilt, but I did have that long ago when she still had power over me and I still felt some obligation to be a good girl, a good daughter. Therapy has helped me understand this is emotional reasoning, and that just because I feel guilty, does NOT mean there exists anything to actually feel guilty about. It doesn’t mean I’ve done something wrong, more often it means I’m being manipulated.

So maybe I’ll answer my brothers text tomorrow. Something short and sweet, not too cold, but nothing to draw him too far.

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4 thoughts on “Nothing to say

  1. NM had two knee surgeries. I didn’t visit the hospital either time. I didn’t say anything, either time. She went away and came back. I wished her well. I didn’t miss her. It was peaceful. That, I miss. Take care of you.

  2. You are doing the healthy thing for you. I did the same thing, it never troubled me. I never felt the need to explain. My brother and I remained close, though my decision to cut her out of my life bothered him he accepted it and refrained from judgement. You must do what is good, healthy and right for your life.

  3. Hugs. If my mother died, not sure I would go to the funeral. A lot of people don’t understand that the worse thing in childhood was our family. They said forgive and forget. My answer, it is on going. Self protection is about now. Now is when you need to be healthy.

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