Why do I feel so weak? I have all this new knowledge. The blinders are off. The process has begun to build a new and improved me. We started by identifying everything we need to work on in cpt and its not a cute tidy little to do list.
First they helped me to recognize some of my stuck points. These are unbalanced automatic thoughts I think to myself. I have identified so many now in many different areas, we break them down into modules like trust, safety, intimacy, etc. An example for safety is “I can’t protect myself”. This is a phrase I find myself thinking often and will usually cause me extreme anxiety or avoidance of the event. Being a small, abused girl with a weak leg has given me unbalanced thoughts about my personal safety. I was unaware of these thoughts and the powerful emotions the thoughts produced until I took the cpt class.
Through a series of guided worksheets and writing exercises they helped me get in touch with some of me genuine thoughts and emotions. The counselors at the center for traumatic stress helped me untangle the mess of overwhelming crapstorm that caused me to disassociate and shutdown.
Some days it felt more like dumbledore was magically retrieving this information from my brain as I watched in amazement. But now I have some awareness if not yet the skills to do it myself. I no longer black out when connecting mind to body to emotion. I can feel some of it, which would be so much more exciting if I had tons of repressed joy. Sadly I have decades of unexpressed sadness, grief, anger, fear, terror, pain. I have so much to work through and figure out.
I’m mainly overall completely confused. I don’t recognize my own brain, partly from the therapy, and partly from the migraines.
We’ve also started couples counseling at the trauma center. Attacking this cptsd from every angle. Hubby is seeing his own counselor now and I barely recognize our marriage either. So many changes, growth, even when for the better still has tremendous growing pains.
So I’m going to start blogging again, the good and the bad, because I need a concrete way to measure change over time and journaling my thoughts seems one if the best ways to track that.
I’ll fill in and document some of the missing details if the past year and then I’ll go forward.
I’m hoping that by posting this, it could be helpful to someone else waivering on their path. If nothing else, I do seem to keep going. I’m going to be discussing some very intense and difficult topics soon. I think I’m ready to write it.