Feels like too much

I want to distract myself. I want to drink that whole bottle of whiskey. I want to binge eat. I want to push away everyone I love. I want to run away.

But I don’t want to die.

And that’s progress.

DBT has taught me opposite action, to use self compassion more effectively. I look at the whiskey and I understand why I want to feel numb instead of like this. I don’t hate myself. I understand and hold my own hand. I reach out to friends and tell them I’m having a bad day. I ask for and receive a hug, some virtual, some in real life.

I’ve accepted where I am. It’s not a war zone any more but a construction zone. So pardon my dust as I remodel and rewire. I’m a quick learner…but unlearning…that’s not quick at all.

I’m approaching the one year anniversary of AFs death. Wow. Still putting that in perspective really so not saying anything else about it today.

I don’t often wish, but I wish I could run. I feel like running, lightning fast and free. Limping along with my cane, well, its hard to feel strong enough.

But I am. Because we all are.

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2 thoughts on “Feels like too much

  1. “Construction zone” I like that! I know enough about construction (thanks to “This Old House” and other shows) to know that things never go as planned and things rarely turn out exactly as you planned. When you find unexpected problems you adapt and adjust. When the open house comes around it’s still gorgeous.

  2. ((((( hug )))))

    Sometimes that construction zone feels like it is choking us doesn’t it? Truly, sometimes it feels like we are breathing jello. It isn’t ever easy, but it is so very much worth it.

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