I want to distract myself. I want to drink that whole bottle of whiskey. I want to binge eat. I want to push away everyone I love. I want to run away.
But I don’t want to die.
And that’s progress.
DBT has taught me opposite action, to use self compassion more effectively. I look at the whiskey and I understand why I want to feel numb instead of like this. I don’t hate myself. I understand and hold my own hand. I reach out to friends and tell them I’m having a bad day. I ask for and receive a hug, some virtual, some in real life.
I’ve accepted where I am. It’s not a war zone any more but a construction zone. So pardon my dust as I remodel and rewire. I’m a quick learner…but unlearning…that’s not quick at all.
I’m approaching the one year anniversary of AFs death. Wow. Still putting that in perspective really so not saying anything else about it today.
I don’t often wish, but I wish I could run. I feel like running, lightning fast and free. Limping along with my cane, well, its hard to feel strong enough.
But I am. Because we all are.