Having trouble turning thoughts into actions. More of my thoughts are good ones, on the positive side, like something healthy useful or productive, but the thoughts seem to remain thoughts most of the time and I’m not sure why. I don’t feel like I am consciously choosing or not choosing to do something, and yet I sit here most of the day, day after day.
I quit my job 6 months ago now. It feels like yesterday. How have I watched TV for 6 months. I’ve barely even blogged, just a few posts and comments here and there. Like my brain checked out. I don’t even remember the TV, its just on so I don’t sit and stare at nothing, which I actually don’t mind because my mind is so busy inside.
Its like I’m in a worm hole and traveling in time at a different rate than the rest of the world. Everyone speaks and walks too quickly. I can’t keep up. Thank God my kids are so smart because I don’t understand their assignments. I help supervise and make sure they work on it, but I can’t follow the directions, its too complicated and I can’t remember step 1 by the time we got to step 2. I put due dates on the calendar and remind them, that’s all I can do with my new brain.
I’ve accepted that this may be permanent. I cried. I screamed. I kicked things. I’m calm now. Sometimes I still let a little tear escape when I try to do something simple and the confusion makes me equal to my second grader. Because I remember teaching calculus and geometry. I remember being brilliant. But I’m not right now. I’m slow and dull.
Part of this odd confusion and slowness seems to rob motivation or whatever the mechanism is for making the body actually get up. I live in my head and its frighteningly difficult to get out. I barely notice my surroundings or my body. I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel numb. I feel calm and content, so its hard to call this depression. I think its more a function of the confusion from the migraines at this point, and the isolation habits from the depression.
I’ve been alone so long. I am taking steps to fix that though. I completed the intensive DBT group therapy and now they are recommending a 12 week cognitive processing group therapy for me. That should start in a few weeks. I am still on the waiting list for an individual trauma based therapist so I can do this group while I wait.
I have some concerns though. I am concerned to start something so intense around the holidays that always are so difficult to handle anyways. I’m barely talking to Hubby or anyone, I feel exiled from all family except my SIL. She’s been an angel. Hubby and I have terrible habits of communication that we react badly to one another, and whenever I tell him I am scared, he escalates and raises his voice and makes me feel worse. We keep talking but have found no solutions to this yet, other than he isn’t a safe person for me most of the time when c-ptsd is all stirred up. Which is exactly what this group will do. Its going to dig deep and stir it all up. The counselor said its going to be terrible and midway through everyone nearly breaks down as they explore hidden emotions and try to get in touch with the trauma and process it. Eek.
I’m not sure I can do that on my own, with no one here to comfort me when I get scared. But if I don’t do this now, I have to wait 12 weeks to join the next group, and what, is my life on hold until then? I think now is the time, while I’m not working, to do this once and for all. I just need to trust myself that I can handle this, and that I will listen to me, and not AF’s voice, and not the suicidal thoughts that are bound to flood in when the shit hits the fan.
I joined a NAMI support group, I actually go there in person twice a month. I do have them. I do have my SIL.I also joined a different online forum and I have some new friends there I chat with, so I have them too. And of course I have my wordpress friends. So maybe I can do, and maybe this is the next step to getting AF’s voice OUT of my head.
But I’m afraid. I am so afraid to turn around and face it and hear it full volume, its been muted for so long. I get dizzy, nauseous, and sometimes black out during these exercises it is so powerful and frightening. This counselor says I have a bit of hell trapped in my brain and it blocking me from enjoying my life. That I can’t feel things like love and happiness until I get this block out. I blocked it to stop feeling the pain and fear, she said. I still don’t know if I believe her, but I am willing to try this if it has any chance of removing or even reducing the amount of suicidal thoughts I have daily. Its so hard to build a meaningful life when your brain just keeps saying you should be dead.
I asked them all about going on antidepressants and I talked to doctors, psychiatrists and my neurologists and we all agreed that they arent good for my brain. The only times I ever actually attempted suicide were when I was on antidepressants. No I think the root of the suicidal thinking is not chemical, its AF’s voice constantly feeding me negativity and filth and hatred. When I can practice more compassionate self-talk it really makes a difference.
- You can make healthy choices for yourself
- You are strong
- You can make it through this
- You are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation (you are not a freak)