I broke the no touch rule today for just a moment, Hubby needed a hug so badly, I could feel it in every cell. Even though I promised myself that I wouldn’t give in, that I wouldn’t comfort him with my own self, I couldn’t bear to see his pain.
He’s been struggling with our distance, with the no touching, no hugging, no kissing, no good byeing, no helloing. That on top of all the fighting. I have not had many kind words for him in maybe 2 weeks, lost track. I’ve been standing my ground and being firm on my boundaries, keeping my space, and telling him exactly what I need to feel safe.
And the anger inside me lately, wow. Intense. I am filled with so much anger, though some is directed at him, some is just general anger at the world, some is I think part of the anger stage of grieving for AF. Some anger is because I am still alive and still have to deal with, well, umm, everything. Some anger is because no matter how hard I work it seems I end up right back here in this exact spot. Some anger is because it seems most people I encounter are not trying to be better people, and I wonder why do I have to work so hard to grow.
I could just be a selfish, unenlightened sod and go on happily like the so many others in the world, right?? yeah I don’t think so either.
Anyways, Hubby had a bad night last night, turned to alcohol instead of me, got himself sick. I asked him if he was ok this morning, and we were able to talk more than we have in weeks, maybe years. It was a good little talk. We’re both hurting and confused, and we’re both angry at AF. I’m not ready to reconcile with Hubby, I’m still keeping the safe distance and no touching until my body says its ok. I have no length of time in mind, just I don’t want to feel I HAVE to be touched any more, ever again.
But today he needed a friend, and it wasn’t scary at all to reach out and comfort him a bit. I hope it was a comfort and the talk meant as much to him as it did to me, because it has been difficult living here on either side of the Berlin Wall. Seems stupid, to write an entire post about 1 hug, but it was that important. We have to end 20 years of turning away from each other for the big emotional stuff, but neither of us trust that the other will be able to handle it. I am hoping Hubby finds a counselor he clicks with and can start working through some of his own stress and issues. It’s not all about me.