What do I want?

Have you ever felt like you didn’t exist? I’ve had feelings of being invisible, like I don’t matter, like I’m nothing for most of my life. But sometimes, I realize I don’t even exist. Sometimes I feel I have lost my substance, and I am losing my grip on anything that matters. Like I am a spirit in a physical world and nothing makes sense.

Like when my counselor asks me

“What do you believe in?”

“What do you want?”

“What would make you happy?”

And all I can do is stare back at her in silence. I have no thoughts in my head. empty. I know what I used to want. I know what I used to believe. I know what I used to tell people I wanted. But was that real?

I am still confused, understandably so, as I am standing at my new beginning once again. Every time you imagine your end, you must recreate yourself anew. Although this could be a great time of growth if I can remain strong and positive, I find myself wavering, daily, and plain old tired. I feel pressured to step back into my old life, but my old life has repeatedly pushed me to my limits, so I seriously reconsidering this time. Proceed with caution. Maybe that life was not a good fit.

Or maybe it was and I don’t have the emotional regulating skills yet, or the other coping skills I need. Or maybe I am beyond repair and will never function properly. Or maybe I need to finish growing up, parenting my inner child. Or maybe I need to learn to feel safe before I can learn to want anything.

So for now my answer is still a blank, I don’t know what I want.

And that’s ok. Totally ok. I’ve never left a question unanswered before. I think this is growth that I can sit content with this unknown, content that I have time to figure it out, content that nothing bad is going to happen to me because I don’t have the answer. AF is gone. I can relax. I can say things “I don’t know”. I don’t feel stupid. I feel human.

I also feel like these answers are out there and are too important to rush.

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5 thoughts on “What do I want?

  1. I don’t know the answer. I don’t know how to explain. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know what you want. I don’t know how to give you what you want. I don’t know if I want to give you what you want. I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know. I remember how frightening and yet powerful and freeing it was when I realized I had the right to say, “I don’t know.” It truly is progress.

    • Probably should have said first, “Yes, being able to say ‘I don’t know’ is important.” What a relief to finally learn that saying, “I don’t know” did not mean “I’m stupid.”

  2. I’m still working on that….I kind of figure it is a continuing work in progress. I still remember talking to someone at my class reunion. After 20 years of total focus on being a lawyer, she realized she hated being a lawyer. Sold everything and was going to open a bed and breakfast. First, time my counselor asked me what I wanted, I was completely puzzled by the question. I didn’t even grasp the concept that I could want anything. I am starting to have some good ideas but nothing earth shattering just simple things. I learned that I like crocheting. So I’m doing it. I believe you will get farther in the healing process and you will start to recognize the things that you want in life. I’m cheering for you.

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