Have you ever felt like you didn’t exist? I’ve had feelings of being invisible, like I don’t matter, like I’m nothing for most of my life. But sometimes, I realize I don’t even exist. Sometimes I feel I have lost my substance, and I am losing my grip on anything that matters. Like I am a spirit in a physical world and nothing makes sense.
Like when my counselor asks me
“What do you believe in?”
“What do you want?”
“What would make you happy?”
And all I can do is stare back at her in silence. I have no thoughts in my head. empty. I know what I used to want. I know what I used to believe. I know what I used to tell people I wanted. But was that real?
I am still confused, understandably so, as I am standing at my new beginning once again. Every time you imagine your end, you must recreate yourself anew. Although this could be a great time of growth if I can remain strong and positive, I find myself wavering, daily, and plain old tired. I feel pressured to step back into my old life, but my old life has repeatedly pushed me to my limits, so I seriously reconsidering this time. Proceed with caution. Maybe that life was not a good fit.
Or maybe it was and I don’t have the emotional regulating skills yet, or the other coping skills I need. Or maybe I am beyond repair and will never function properly. Or maybe I need to finish growing up, parenting my inner child. Or maybe I need to learn to feel safe before I can learn to want anything.
So for now my answer is still a blank, I don’t know what I want.
And that’s ok. Totally ok. I’ve never left a question unanswered before. I think this is growth that I can sit content with this unknown, content that I have time to figure it out, content that nothing bad is going to happen to me because I don’t have the answer. AF is gone. I can relax. I can say things “I don’t know”. I don’t feel stupid. I feel human.
I also feel like these answers are out there and are too important to rush.