Hands Off, I’m Healing

My biggest stress right now is the relationship I have with Hubby. I am deeply saddened and disappointed by his expectations of me as I heal. I feel so pressured to be all better right now and act and respond the same way I used to to him. Problem is I am learning those weren’t healthy responses.

I am appreciative of his constant energy towards housework and drudgery of just getting work and stuff done, doing what is required to keep us afloat, taking it on without much complaint. I’ve asked him to help lighten my load, drive me here and there, and does all this.

But when I make myself vulnerable and honestly tell him how I am feeling and he says he doesn’t believe me, and goes on acting as he always has, I get quite hurt and angry. I told him I am not ready for intimacy. I don’t trust him. My body doesn’t trust him. I don’t feel affectionate. Please don’t make me hug and kiss you when I don’t feel it, please don’t ask me to fake it. I keep saying this over and over and he doesn’t stop trying to kiss me goodbye until I finally demand it, and then he feels all rejected. I don’t want to hurt him, but he is asking too much of me right now and if I say my body is untouchable than I think that should a clear and respected line.

I shared that how I feel right now I can’t see our marriage recovering and that it is fundamentally broken and I need to work on feeling safe and feeling like we can even be good friends and coparents again. Based on the fact that I can feel so terrible and he thinks everything is perfect, it is worrisome how poorly we communicate.

And then after so many years together, he just does not get the abuse issues. That I have a hard time saying no to him. Actually nearly impossible time saying no to him once he is already touching me, I’m already frozen. It was how I was raised. So I asked for a break while he wasn’t touching me, for him to give me some space in the next few weeks, to let my body and nerves heal. The stress of ‘is he going to try to kiss me? or swat my ass?’ was too much. It shouldn’t be stressful at all and not fair to me. It makes me furious that he can’t understand this and plays the poor wounded puppy being pushed away and rejected by his wife. Its not like I’m doing this out of some power play, like no sex for you unless you buy me those earrings or something stupid. I’m trying to heal. I’m sorry he is so insecure he can’t handle giving me some space, but I don’t feel I have to supply him his comfort and affection. I’ve done that way too long already. Go hug the dogs.

So I thought I spelled this need out really clearly to him a few days ago. I was starting to feel safer in my own home.

He actually woke me up this morning before work, after I clearly asked him not to do this, and started rubbing my feet. Which should be a sweet thing because I injured my ankle last week, but not when I told him that startling me awake in the morning by touching me has to stop. He starts rubbing my feet and all the way up my legs and I want to scream stop but of course I can’t, and I want to kick him, but of course I can’t, and it also feels good and he’s being nice so I feel guilty, and then nauseous, and then he leaves for work and I hate him. I curl up in bed, and I hate him and want to run far away and never see him again ever.

I’m left wondering if this if intentional abuse or can he really be this thick headed. Either way, I really don’t want anything to do with him right now.

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2 thoughts on “Hands Off, I’m Healing

  1. I don’t think it matters if he’s intentionally trying to hurt you, or is ‘thick-headed’ – either way not only isn’t healthy, it’s also him putting his wants first. You made a request. You even explained the request. It’s YOUR body, and YOUR choice – and he’s taking it away. If he’s doesn’t care that it hurts you and is going with the patriarchal attitude of ‘I deserve it because I’m male… because we’re married… because I work more… because whatever’ he’s not respecting your boundaries and your needs. That’s not okay and not healthy. If he knows it’s hurting you and is doing it because he wants to hurt you, he’s not respecting your boundaries and your needs. It’s still not okay and still not healthy. The answer to ‘why’ matters if you want to work through it – couples counseling, whatever. But it doesn’t change the core issue, that he’s hurting you. If someone stepped on your foot every day, it wouldn’t matter if they understood how much it hurt or not – you’d still have a bruised, maybe broken, foot. Your boundaries are being stepped on, and that’s bruising you badly.

  2. Can you sleep in a different room? Just for a while? I don’t think he is trying to hurt you, I think he is just trying to be kind while at the same time, satisfy his own personal need for touch.

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