Discussed in therapy yesterday how when I quit my job 2 years ago and started entry level in a new company I was ashamed of its title “customer service”. I never told anyone that title which was easy since I don’t really talk to anyone anyway. I’m not exactly a facebook blaster or twitterer. I don’t really have a social network to impress. So why the shame?
Now that job was beneath my abilities and pay grade, that is a fact. But that doesn’t explain shame. Frustration, boredom, perhaps at starting over after a decade at the last company. I chose to quit, to make this new start. I left in good standing. So why the shame?
We dove into this feeling and deconstructed some possibilities. In the warped twilight zone world I grew up in as a child, AF raised me to feel ashamed of my mother. He told me she was stupid, fat, ugly, worthless, etc. My mom worked at a fast food place when I was little to earn some extra cash and we made fun of her for that too. I think my backwards career slip has made me feel like my mom, and triggered feelings of shame I used to have for her. It triggers the “SHOULDS”. I should have a better job. I shouldn’t have quit. I am an embarrassment to my family. they must be ashamed of me. So I must be ashamed of myself. This also fits with the “Unrelenting Standards” lifetrap/maladaptive schema.
I am struggling with this right now because I am currently unable to work at all. Typing this post is a huge effort of concentration and nausea as the vertigo of this constant migraine has me. I started a new med: zonegran. It will be a few more weeks of slowly dosing up on that to see if it reduces or removes this state of constant aura I’m stuck in. Good news is the zonegran has lifted my mood! I laugh easily and I’m enjoying silly time with kiddos, thankfully, since they are home for summer now.
Looking forward to first family counseling session in a few days.