only sadness

When the numbness fades

and the pain recedes

is a wave of sadness

only sadness

washes everything else away

I would die of this sadness

today

if I may

I’m sure the pain of losing me

would one day fade away

I’m sure the pain of being me

will forever haunt my days

I didn’t start this post as a poem or with any intent other than to write through these tears with raw emotion. I have shared these feelings with hubby and my therapist. This sadness is unbearable. I don’t know what to do. The thoughts of hurting myself are getting too strong. I’m terrified of a hospitalization, I’m certain a trip there would the last time anyone saw the real me. But I can’t bear these thoughts. Peter Peter pumpkin eater put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well. If they want to keep me, I will have to let them.

My boys, so innocent, so pure. they see me wiping my eyes and blowing my nose and they accept it is my allergies. Because they have no notion, not in their most creative imagination that someone could have this much pain and sadness. That is the only thing I have done right and why I still exist, to keep them from feeling pain like this. but oh lord I dont have the strength to keep pretending. They are behind me painting, something else I taught them. my back to them, they dont see the tears. the music up they dont hear me.

They paint happy spring pictures. for me. and All I feel is sadness. I can’t enjoy even one happy moment. I recognize it should be a happy moment and put a smile on face. usually. but theres no strength to smile today.

I was hit with another 4 days of migraine this week. It’s too much. I don’t have the strength to put on my mom facade while battling these migraines that stop me in my tracks. I have met my limit. Everyone says I’m so strong, and I am, but everyone has a limit. I have run out.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “only sadness

  1. I fear not saying the right thing or choosing the wrong words. It’s a dark place to be. You are loved. I wish it were enough. I know it isn’t. Praying for courage, strength, wisdom, whatever it is you need.

  2. How deep your sorrow, how intense your pain….I wish I could sit with you for a time so that you would know that you are not alone. Words are so inadequate at times. Hugs.

  3. I can remember being in that place, where there is nothing but pain and sorrow, and you are weary of trying to fight against the tide of darkness. I can also remember that even though there was no way I was capable of seeing it, or believing it, then … that there did come a day when all that darkness became less of a burden, and the pain subsided, and the sorrow began to fade away.

    I’m sorry to hear you are struggling, and just wanted you to know you are not alone. We hear you. We know that the day will come soon that you’ll be sharing with us how things have improved, and how you’ve found your way through. Looking forward to seeing those words on the page.

  4. I’m sorry you’re in this place.
    There is no obligation to be strong, or happy.
    I hear your pain and darkness and wish you well.
    Sunshine and happy pictures ironically can create a greater disconnect with the world – that’s okay too.
    Whatever you feel is okay – there is no pressure here to be anything else.

  5. There are no words that make what you are feeling better, none. There is only “I am here if you need”. There is only compassion, empathy and a shoulder if you need it.

  6. Thinking about you and hoping this feeling eased up a bit. My counselor gave me a metal nut shell to put my dark thoughts. I would bring the shell to therapy and discuss the contents. But the rest of the week I put them in the nut shell. This process worked for 2 years. During this time I took over 300 pictures of gray. There is a surprising amount of gray. Take care.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s