Suffering is what I know

I’ve never been without pain or fear. Ever.

I have PTSD from 16 years of living with a cruel, demented, self-serving psychopath. But what did I have while the trauma was happening? All of this research to learn about my recovering brain, and I’ve never thought about the brain I had for the first half of my life. By age 3, my earliest memories, I was already suffering. What do they call the brain syndrome of – currently being traumatized? What happens in the chronically abused brain? What did that evil man do to me.

I didn’t live in flight or fight all of that time, my brain and body must have compensated somehow. I was super thin, cortisol didn’t make me fat back then. In fact they had to pump me full of steroids just so I could breathe without my own lungs suffocating me.

I know what my face looks like when my lips turn blue. I know that finally got me a trip to a hospital. I know what it feels like to sip air molecules and feel like your lungs will explode, see the world get all swirly. I’ve been told my first asthma attack was at 3 mos old and that my mom thought I was dead until they injected me with epi and then hoped my tiny heart didn’t explode.

At 6 mos I was run over, crushed between a car tire and a curb.

I can’t imagine a life without pain because I’ve never had one single day of that. I need to stop thinking long term and think how to improve 1 little bit of my life. Let’s reduce pain. Any pain, pick a pain, and toss it out. I’m going to enlist doctors to help even though I don’t think they can. Even though the panic of sitting in a doctors office makes me want to pass out and triggers flashbacks.

I need less pain.

Day 1 on steroids to heal my torn tendon, all I can say is methylprednisolone tastes like crap, holy moly is it bad, and chewing gum just made it cinnamon flavored crap. I’ve never been good at swallowing pills, always get stuck on my tongue and throat. I’d pay more you stupid pharmaceutical companies to put the nice smooth coating on every pill. Or is it the insurance company demanding lower cost? Really I would. At least it comes in a foil pack, easier to open with one hand.

There I found 1 positive thought. I am grateful for the foil pack.

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