I’m not suicidal but I need to escape

I’m at my breaking point. Life is too hard and too painful.

My regular therapist came back from her leave. I saw her yesterday and she didn’t let me leave her office. She sees I’m in crisis and survival mode.

The migraines, the facial twitches, the pure exhaustion. She gave me options.

1. check myself into the psych ward of the hospital

2. check myself in to a hotel

She said I need a break, need to rest, and it can’t wait. We talked about the psych ward, and in some ways it sounded tempting to get away from my family and not have to be mom or wife for  afew days. But therapist thinks the group sessions and constant observation might actually make me worse right now. She made me sign a contract that I won’t harm myself and gave me a crisis center # and her own cell phone # if I thought I wanted to.

I don’t want to kill myself. But I do want to die. This is not new. I’ve felt like this for longer than I can remember. I shove down those intrusive thoughts daily. Antidepressants and none of the other med cocktails they guinea pigged me on ever made those go away. I seriously believe I am hard wired without the will to live, without the fear of death, because even as a child I welcomed it, welcomed the nothingness over the pain and darkness. I have a million fears – but death is not one of them.

So I booked a hotel for the next 3 days and plan to start seeing a psychiatrist as outpatient in addition to my counselor.

Problem is – Hubby wants to come too, and I think it is pointless to try to escape with him in the room too. I understand they think I will hurt myself and can’t be trusted to be alone. But I need to be alone to recharge, gather my reserves, be completely selfish and not worry about anyone else. If he is there I will have to consider his needs, think twice about turning the tv on at 3am if he is sleeping, think twice about leaving the room if he is hungry and I’m not, worry about his gosh darn feelings instead of my own.

Hubby seems excited, like this is a romantic getaway. He asked his mom to come and watch the kids. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I don’t want to even consider his feelings right now. He was complaining about his day at work and how much he needs time off too. Maybe so, but this has to be about me right now. I’m thinking of booking him his own room if he insists on coming. I’m only going 1 hr away from home. Maybe he can visit for dinner and then go back home. He is part of my stress and I want to get away from ALL of it. Go into my inner me and lick the wounds, start the processing, start the healing.

I took most of last week off work, claiming a family emergency. Then I told my boss “I have someone who needs ongoing care and I would like to request returning to part time status” He said ok! So I have no requirement to log 40 hours this week. That right there is a huge stress reduction. I’m planning to take my laptop and work a little at the hotel. I have a few projects that I can steer, put in a few hours and make progress. It will cause me greater stress to get too behind and have so many people waiting on me and alarmed at my absence – and then it would all just be waiting for me next week anyway.

I’m not suicidal. Even with my desire to die, it is the ultimate escape fantasy. I have no intention of leaving my children permanently. I love them and usually I am fueled by this, fueled by my desire to protect them. I just ran out of fuel. I would never kill myself and leave them with that burden. Their life would come to a crashing halt and they might never recover. Just because I think life is pointless and I have no dreams of it being better, I won’t rob them of their dreams or chances at a dream.

And this may not be comforting, but realistically if I really was planning to kill myself I would slip away and do it. I wouldn’t make this grand gesture first.

So can I get the break I need with Hubby there with me? Should I try to convince him I need to go alone? I could promise to stay in touch and text the whole time.

Or is it better that I am chaperoned and continue to feel trapped and edgy with every word he says? I’m still so hurt and angry by his lack of understanding and his continual inability to recognize my suffering and have any decent response when I try to reach out to him. I’ve completely given up any hope of that actually. He is not a safe shoulder to cry on, his reactions of shock and confusion send me into shame each time I try to confide in him. When I tell him that he gets all defensive and yells at me. I have no cutesy, umm pardon me dear if I could just trouble you for a moment, but I’m in PTSD crisis and really struggling with life, stress and not sure how to proceed…

No when I break, I break. I come to him with either fury or tears in my face and voice because my emotions are INTENSE! And each time he takes it personally when it has no f-ing thing to do with him. Exhausting. and not helpful to me.

I’m planning on crying a lot over the next few days, and I’d really like to do it alone, without him watching me all helpless and trying to pat my back or hold my hand. I’m not doing this completely alone, but I really think some parts of this need to be solo.

I have a plan for healing. Seeing my old therapist started me in the right direction. I will see her weekly. She said the other therapist did not even get me started processing my AF’s death and that this is a PTSD ‘flare up’. She said we have a lot of work to do, and it won’t be easy, but we’ll do it and get me back to center. But she said I need to recover some energy first before we can start that.

I believe her. She gave me that sliver of hope and understanding I so desperately needed.

If this escape trip doesn’t help, if my world still seems unbearable and the tears don’t stop after 3 days of rest, then I will consider the hospital. I just figured if I was going to spend the money (inpatient to a hospital not in my insurance network will not be cheap), maybe I should be pampered – not prodded and invaded and forced into group session and meds. Instead I will sleep and eat on my own schedule, not cater to kids (or hubby??), listen to silence and/or my favorite songs, soak in a hot tub in my room if I dont want to see anyone, dip in the pool if I do want to leave my room, not cook or clean at all. Sounds like exactly what I need.

That or an asteroid lands on my head and ends this once and for all. But I promise I won’t pack any asteroids with me.

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7 thoughts on “I’m not suicidal but I need to escape

  1. Keeping you in my heart, my friend. I know this struggle so well. You do what you need…nevermind what hubby wants. You can make it up to him later if need be; right now, please take care of you. Xox

    (If you need a sounding board who won’t be offended by anger or tears…I’m here).

  2. You didn’t lie to your boss. YOU are the someone who needs the care. Your boss doesn’t need to know. Funny, or not, how we feel guilty about taking care of ourselves.

    What does your counselor say about hubby coming along? And I’m so glad she’s back.

    You weren’t hardwired to not want life. If you were, you wouldn’t be here anymore. You were trained to dread living. I haven’t unlearned it either, but I’m working on it. So are you. Keep fighting for you. You are. Go you! Keeping you in my prayers. ((R2B))

    • Yes I thought carefully on how to word my request without lying, but also cause no alarm to make him think I am unfit to do my job. Not so much about guilt as I know he would not understand or respect me any more.

      Counselor wanted me to take a break. We went through all of the options: anyone that can take the kids? anywhere you can go? when that asnwer was no, she said can you go to a hotel? its that or check into the psych ward for 3 days or crisis center for 24 hours. She said she thought psych ward would be more stressful but she had to mention it if I thought I was in danger. I said no, I can go home and put back on the smile and keep doing what I do – but my body is breaking so I know I need to rest, and no rest happens at home with everyone here.

      I decided to go by myself, Hubby was shocked and confused and hurt by it this morning, but he seems to be more understanding now. Alone time is not alone time if we’re arguing and trying to be a couple.

      I’m angry today, fueling my fight. no more tears. I’m already getting better because now I have a plan.

      • Bless your counselor. Praying Hubby understands the importance of what you’re doing and is able to see it isn’t a reflection on him. I’m always amazed by how a plan makes such a big difference. Go you!

  3. (((R2B))) Sending you supportive and strengthening thoughts. I’m glad you told hubby you were going alone. He may be upset, but you need to focus on you. Just his thought that it’s an “opportunity to go on vacation” (sorry if I’m paraphrasing him a bit) would devoid all that you are trying to do. I’m glad you are resting and taking the time to let your emotions out.
    I’m also sighing a big sigh of relief that your therapist is back. I think you’ll turn this corner. Good for you for pressing on. Thinking of you.

    • Thank you so much. Almost done packing and feeling good about this. I’m bringing my laptop to play games, lots of fun snacks, and my sketchbook for some quality me-time. xx

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