Low and slow

Depression has ensnared me once again in its slimy muck. My thoughts are slow, painfully slow. Like the google cursor just spinning and spinning to load a thought that should have been automatic. Feeling so low lately I cry every chance I get Alone and feel the tears welling up in between.

So tired but can’t sleep.
So tired of being fat and getting fatter but can’t stop eating.

Eating is the only thing that takes any pain away and fills the void.

Work is too stressful. I was trying to carry on but started shaking and getting blurry vision, my migraine aura. I overslept yesterday morning and missed a meeting. I didn’t even care and went back to sleep. When I finally got up and realized work must be wondering so I made up an emergency and took another day off. I slept and ate all day today.

My manager told my sis in law that works with us about my ’emergency’ and she texted me in concern. I told her the truth. I never tell my bosses the truth ever. I already had ‘the flu’ and a ‘migraine’ recently so had to use the emergency bluff this time.

I hate lying but I know I can’t tell them I am depressed and wishing for a train to run over me. I don’t want to lose this job and I know these dark days will slowly brighten again. So I lie. And sleep and eat and try to get my brain rest.

Tried telling hubby and it seems all brand new again. What?  You get depressed?  Would it help if I tickled you?  Ummm no. No it wouldn’t help if you trivialized my suffering and seem like you don’t understand at all. Again. Never mind. I’ll do this on my own. Again.

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4 thoughts on “Low and slow

  1. Sending hope that you’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel again soon. Hang in there and continue to do what you need to do until things brighten.

  2. Me too, me too…I understand and just know today is a new day and it will be ok. Be kind to yourself. See- you are learning when you need a break and that is great! And you are ok!

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