His last Attack

Another attack, this time from the grave. Why was I surprised?

A letter from a law firm comes in the mail. I actually thought it may be some advertising or some followup to a an art-related lawsuit I was asked to give a statement last year for. No, it was AF’s Will.

I was not expecting to be in his will, and so I was surprised to receive the letter. I figured I had been removed and was done with anything AF related.

Nope. The purely evil man had a few more twists left in blade, a few more final attacks for his children. At first I was stunned, and now I am angry.

This will was carefully crafted, each word selected for impact. I can picture him sitting all alone in his hospital bed, proudly choosing these words and picturing the last pain he could ever inflict on all of us.

First, it is apparent he is trying to drive a wedge and keep siblings apart by giving hugely unequal amounts to each of us. 1 brother was not named at all, 1 brother is to receive 25%, and the other was named in a strings attached trust-impossible to achieve strings, so basically he was also left out. I was singled out and left an insulting number in an insulting way.

There are twelve recipients and it is worded like this:

  1. to my beloved son A I leave 25% of my estate
  2. to my beloved son B I leave 20% in a trust in his agent’s charge
  3. to my beloved sister I leave 25% plus the amount in son B’s trust if she will become son B’s agent
  4. to my beloved grandson I leave 2%
  5. to my beloved grandson I leave 1%
  6. to my beloved nephew I leave 1%
  7. to my beloved  . . .
  8. to my beloved …
  9. to my beloved  . . .
  10. to my beloved  . . .
  11. to my beloved niece-in-law I leave 2%
  12. To my daughter C I leave ten dollars ($10.00)


I didn’t want to – but I felt like I was punched in the stomach. To see my name after all those others and purposely missing the ‘beloved’ of each other line, and the small amount instead of a percentage. Wow. I didn’t think he could hurt me anymore, but this hurt. After everything I have been through, he made sure to give me one final punch and say I was not loved and all those years of pain, to him, was worth $10. And to put this in a public document that goes to all my aunts and cousins…wow.

Sooo have any of my aunts and cousins reached out to me? No. I am so sure they feel this is deserved. That I am a hateful person and caused so much pain and embarrassment when I tried to arrest AF and ruin his good name. That I am an unholy daughter that abandoned her father in his time of need. But I don’t know, and I don’t know that I should care, but I think I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t care at all.

Is this going to ruin me? NO. Was I counting on getting his money? No. Would it have been nice? well of course, but this isn’t about the money. I’d gladly give my portion to my brother’s trust – except he’ll never get it because the aunt he named as his agent/caretaker is old and sick and can barely take care of herself. He won’t give the trust over if my mom is the agent. nice strings.

I am angry. Really angry right now and I’m surprised that I am, and I’m not sure exactly which part makes me so angry, because this should not be a surprise. Was I really thinking that his dying would give him a shred of humanity inside his dark and twisted soul? Did I really think he’d want his children to benefit from his existence in any way – not in life, and not in death.

I think I’m partly angry that I am so estranged from his entire family and actually considering calling my aunts and cousins to ‘defend’ myself or explain why item #12 was written that way. Use it as proof of his seething blind hate for his own children. I’m angry that I have to deal with crap. period. I should be baking cookies and enjoying this happy time of year. Yes well I know what trouble the word should brings, but I’m entitled to few shoulds now and then. I’m not stifling this anger, that is way too dangerous. But I can feel it, sharp and hot, bubbling through my veins. I’m angry that this man was my father, and I can’t fix it, can’t change it, and to have to deal with it again and again.

I already talked to my mom and brothers over the phone. My oldest brother is beyond angry, and is taking action. I have no idea if anything will come of it, but he is doing what he needs to do. He is contesting the will and trying to prove AF was not of sound mind and see if he can get it voided or something and restore the trust AND clear our name. He already wrote to AF’s lawyer.

I think he just needs to tell our story. I’m feeling this need as well, to be heard, finally, without fear of any more damage. I don’t have to be afraid anymore. I can tell anyone the truth and he can’t hunt me down and hurt me or my children. I don’t have to be a secret anymore. This has suddenly become very important to me.

I’m planning to take the Will to christmas at my in-laws, just so they can see it in writing, and we can talk about it. I don’t feel the need to suffer alone. I just want to once and for all have a conversation, a real conversation about my shit while I am still in the room. I want to show them that I am strong and they can’t break me, so whispering and tiptoeing is not needed. We talk about everyone else’s problems – the broken car, their kids had lice, they lost their phone, he has to work too much, etc. I will no longer apologize that my problems are potentially big and uncomfortable. I refuse to be alone and I refuse to pretend I am happy when I am upset about something – and damn it, this was upsetting!

My other brother thinks we should ‘let it go’ and ‘not make waves’ and ‘whats done is done’. He has never been one to confront anyone. Mom thinks it is rotten, but has no idea what to do. Oldest brother has the money and anger to fuel this battle. And believe me, a room full of lawyers seem like pussy cats compared to battling AF himself.

So I don’t know. This has gotten interesting in a ‘you can’t make this stuff up’ kind of way.

Thanks for a good ending to my book dad. I didn’t see this coming. I’m almost impressed at just how evil you really were, and that you stayed true to your evil self on your death bed, no fake remorse or groveling. No. You chose to hurt us all one last time. I’d like to say it didn’t sting, but it did. So haha you got me one last time. I hope you were able to enjoy it from your new toasty residence and that it sent you one circle lower. I’m suddenly in the mood to re-read Dante.

But that can wait. I AM baking cookies tomorrow, we will have cookies for Santa and smiles, hugs and surprises on Christmas. And that is actually what I hope he can see, is that he can’t stop us, and that we are all loved, and we all love our own kids – that he did not break us permanently, and that we will go on, merrily, without him.

I feel very strong and alive right now, and that is a beautiful christmas gift. This anger will pass, and I will be here as me. I will remain. I am here. I am alive. I’m repeating these things because of the power it holds for me, having felt invisible, scared, powerless, and really like I didn’t even exist for so many years.

Merry Christmas. I’m here and I’m ok. And I will allow myself to feel love.




11 thoughts on “His last Attack

  1. I think I would like to hear you laugh at how petty AF was, even at the end he couldn’t pretend to be decent. Make the aunt the agent, with the understanding that she “hires” mom to do what needs to be done and designates mom as agent should she not be able to fulfill her duty. Of course, that depends on aunt’s willingness to accept AF was a petty tyrant and needs to be thwarted. The man is dead. Good riddance to bad rubbish. You’re right; it isn’t about the money. It is about not bending one last time to a predator’s demands. Enjoy Christmas and your family knowing that now the will is out the miserable creep has played his last card. You are stronger and more courageous than you know. He is dust to be swept away and forgotten. Contribute your “share” to your brother’s battle and wash your hands. I pray you are given support and validation.

    • A lot of telling you what to do there. Sorry about that. Channelling what I was thinking. Do whatever you need to do to rid your life of the evil he chose. God bless you and your family.

    • I did laugh. My mom laughed. My brother laughed. One last feeble attempt to hurt us all. Staying so true to his lack of character and thinking his words have any power over us. It was a zing, but only one more mosquito bite, not the crushing I think he was hoping for. My family is healing and was actually brought together with this event, not torn apart. Christmas was wonderful here, and I hope you found some joy as well my dear friend.

  2. Wow. He let the world know what an assh@le he was and then left behind this legacy. Can you imagine dying so ill at peace with the world!? He soo deserves it. I’m glad he’s finally gone.

    Much love to you. Xo

  3. My Dear Dear Friend, please look at this in the spirit I know you have. He was an azzhat to the very end. I personally wish his dying breath hurt. You however, you have no need to defend yourself, not to us, not to his family and certainly not to your in-laws. If you wish, ask your husband to show this nasty piece of dumbf*ckery to his family as proof of what is intolerable and why you turned your back.

    Please remember, you do not owe forgiveness. Not to him, not to them either. You are stronger than you know.

    Try to have a jubilant holiday season with your children and husband.

    • This comment, as always, made me smile with your choice of words and how you cut right to the truth and your neverending support for me. I feel stronger with you in my corner giving me perspective. Christmas was wonderful, thank you. I hope you had some joy as well.

  4. I think it’s always these “sideways stabs” that you don’t see coming that hurt the most. Just when you think you’ve seen it all…
    If it’s any consolation (which I’m guessing it will be little), maybe this will help you to not ever doubt what kind of monster you had for a father. I’m so sorry you drew the short straw.

    Maybe a thought? Donate the $10 (and seriously?!? Dang, what a slap) to a child abuse/sexual assault charity. Poetic justice.

    Thinking of you. XO

    • Yes it is some consolation to see his evil ways written in black and white in such a public way. It made it real, which oddly, has been a gift to me. I am planning to make a donation, of a real amount, or otherwise use the money to benefit others who have struggled. I’ll think of something, because I love poetic justice, and that is how this story needs to end.

  5. I have a problem with forgiveness. With the childhood sexual abuse, it is said that forgiveness will relieve the hurt and allow me to get on with my life, but I just can’t forgive, I just can’t. AF said what he felt about you, but were you surprised ~ not really, yet deep down it would have been nice and comforting to have a better outcome.

    I’m so sorry you had to go through this. That’s a question for all survivors, do you go to your abuser’s funeral? I suppose it’s up to the person and their choice. Tough one. Thinking of you. Hugs. Deb

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