Happy Thanksgiving! But this isn’t about thanksgiving.
I enlisted Hubby’s help to not tempt me with food after 10pm. He agreed it would be good for both of us and would try. He’s usually asleep by then anyway, so shouldn’t be a problem.
I was unusually hungry all day long yesterday, and I allowed myself to eat most of what I wanted, planning to be firm with the no food after 10pm rule. I had my chips and salsa at 4pm WITH the kids again. If they eat it with me, I can’t eat the entire bag myself, and I have no shame or guilt.
Dinner was simple, I wasn’t up to cooking much. We had scrambled eggs and fresh fruit. I chose oranges, 1 kiddo chose a banana, and the other kiddos chose pears.
Hubby brought home roasted garlic hummus and we made pita chips, wanting a snack after the light dinner. Kids never had hummus before, I usually eat it all myself late at night. Picky eating middle boy loved it! Wonders never cease. We finished our snack by 10pm and everyone got ready for bed.
I avoided the couch again, and went right upstairs. The association to snack is too strong when I sit on the couch. Tucked in bed doesn’t feel like I should be eating. I did some mindful exercises, a mindful body scan and noticed my tummy was not hungry or over full, just kinda quiet. I watched too many tv shows, but honestly felt no need or pull to get any snacks like I did the first 2 nights.
Slept in today with no work and school, and the extra sleep felt great but always makes me feel groggy. We had nature valley oatmeal bars for breakfast, I was in no mood to cook again. But I’m planning to do some baking and make a nice dinner today. I want to make banana bread, some sort of cookies to take to MIL’s dinner tomorrow, and dinner for us tonight will be pork chops, one of my specialties. Hubby started a nice bone broth in the crockpot, he’s planning to make wedding soup to take to MIL’s tomorrow. Hubby is working today to get triple time holiday pay, we’ll celebrate tomorrow.
Checking in with my tummy now, I can feel it grumbling. It feels good though, no panic or stress, just natural. The bloating is going down too, which makes it look dimply with all my stretch marks, ugh. Funny how a bloated, distended tummy looks all better and firm even though it is bigger. I can definitely pinch an inch and I try not to hate it, but I do.
I’ve realized just how deep my body image is tied to my satisfaction. I hate my size and looks right now. I’m deeply ashamed, to my core. I see others my size and think they look nice and say they are crazy when they complain of the weight – but for me – it is intolerable.
I realized how deep this runs when I finally acknowledged some recent thoughts. I’ve been invited to a few dinners with friends and coworkers, and I have to admit I don’t want these people to see how fat I’ve gotten. I don’t like how any of my current clothes fit and shopping for large and x-large makes me cry. Working at home, no one knows what I look like.
But it hit me this morning, like SLAM! Hubby says we can tour his factory tomorrow, and my first thought, my very first stupid thought was I don’t want to meet his coworkers. If they had met me last year they would have seen a thinner me. Why now? after so many years does he want me to meet them when I am fat? He keeps talking about this skinny girl that works with him and I want to kill her even though I’ve never met her. He said something about another girl that everyone is ‘dating’ and I asked if she was pretty, and he said “well she is thin”. I still hear his response as an assault to me, telling me I am no longer thin.
So now I’m all stressed about it, and he wants to go before we go to MIL dinner tomorrow, which I was feeling fine about it going to her dinner, and almost excited to go. Now I’m all stressed and snapping at the kids for stupid reasons and thinking I shouldn’t make cookies because I’ll eat them.
Hubby won’t understand why I don’t want to go to his factory or why these surprise things are difficult for me. And he doesn’t understand at all how my body image can change my mood and make my day difficult. I don’t even understand why I put so much value and power on a few pounds. I mean I do understand, how I was shamed and given impossible goals by my parents to be thinner than I should have been, but that was so long ago and I’m ready to let that go too. Please I want to let that go too.