Habit breaking, Night 3, and body image

Happy Thanksgiving! But this isn’t about thanksgiving.

I enlisted Hubby’s help to not tempt me with food after 10pm. He agreed it would be good for both of us and would try. He’s usually asleep by then anyway, so shouldn’t be a problem.

I was unusually hungry all day long yesterday, and I allowed myself to eat most of what I wanted, planning to be firm with the no food after 10pm rule. I had my chips and salsa at 4pm WITH the kids again. If they eat it with me, I can’t eat the entire bag myself, and I have no shame or guilt.

Dinner was simple, I wasn’t up to cooking much. We had scrambled eggs and fresh fruit. I chose oranges, 1 kiddo chose a banana, and the other kiddos chose pears.

Hubby brought home roasted garlic hummus and we made pita chips, wanting a snack after the light dinner. Kids never had hummus before, I usually eat it all myself late at night. Picky eating middle boy loved it! Wonders never cease. We finished our snack by 10pm and everyone got ready for bed.

I avoided the couch again, and went right upstairs. The association to snack is too strong when I sit on the couch. Tucked in bed doesn’t feel like I should be eating. I did some mindful exercises, a mindful body scan and noticed my tummy was not hungry or over full, just kinda quiet. I watched too many tv shows, but honestly felt no need or pull to get any snacks like I did the first 2 nights.

Slept in today with no work and school, and the extra sleep felt great but always makes me feel groggy. We had nature valley oatmeal bars for breakfast, I was in no mood to cook again. But I’m planning to do some baking and make a nice dinner today. I want to make banana bread, some sort of cookies to take to MIL’s dinner tomorrow, and dinner for us tonight will be pork chops, one of my specialties. Hubby started a nice bone broth in the crockpot, he’s planning to make wedding soup to take to MIL’s tomorrow. Hubby is working today to get triple time holiday pay, we’ll celebrate tomorrow.

Checking in with my tummy now, I can feel it grumbling. It feels good though, no panic or stress, just natural. The bloating is going down too, which makes it look dimply with all my stretch marks, ugh. Funny how a bloated, distended tummy looks all better and firm even though it is bigger. I can definitely pinch an inch and I try not to hate it, but I do.

I’ve realized just how deep my body image is tied to my satisfaction. I hate my size and looks right now. I’m deeply ashamed, to my core. I see others my size and think they look nice and say they are crazy when they complain of the weight – but for me – it is intolerable.

I realized how deep this runs when I finally acknowledged some recent thoughts. I’ve been invited to a few dinners with friends and coworkers, and I have to admit I don’t want these people to see how fat I’ve gotten. I don’t like how any of my current clothes fit and shopping for large and x-large makes me cry. Working at home, no one knows what I look like.

But it hit me this morning, like SLAM! Hubby says we can tour his factory tomorrow, and my first thought, my very first stupid thought was I don’t want to meet his coworkers. If they had met me last year they would have seen a thinner me. Why now? after so many years does he want me to meet them when I am fat? He keeps talking about this skinny girl that works with him and I want to kill her even though I’ve never met her. He said something about another girl that everyone is ‘dating’ and I asked if she was pretty, and he said “well she is thin”. I still hear his response as an assault to me, telling me I am no longer thin.

So now I’m all stressed about it, and he wants to go before we go to MIL dinner tomorrow, which I was feeling fine about it going to her dinner, and almost excited to go. Now I’m all stressed and snapping at the kids for stupid reasons and thinking I shouldn’t make cookies because I’ll eat them.

Hubby won’t understand why I don’t want to go to his factory or why these surprise things are difficult for me. And he doesn’t understand at all how my body image can change my mood and make my day difficult. I don’t even understand why I put so much value and power on a few pounds. I mean I do understand, how I was shamed and given impossible goals by my parents to be thinner than I should have been, but that was so long ago and I’m ready to let that go too. Please I want to let that go too.


2 thoughts on “Habit breaking, Night 3, and body image

  1. You touch on a lot of the same things that are triggers for me.

    The visit to the factory: If something big is already scheduled, please don’t add one more thing.

    I know in my head that when guys talk about girls and how they look it does not mean the same thing I’m thinking.

    I hate how fat I am, but I’m not qualified for a lot of weight programs, where you need to lose 100 lb or more. I don’t need to lose that much, though if I don’t learn better control I’ll be pushing it.

    I also prefer the smooth rounded look of my heavier weight to the dimpled look when I lose weight.

    So much is all in my head, but it was drummed in by word and deed for such a long time. I’m working at reminding myself that I’m new to learning how to be healthy, really new. Would I belittle or criticize a child learning how to eat right for the first time?

    Praying for peace and comfort and courage and strength for you. You are awesome.

  2. My friend I am going to say something you might not understand or take in easily. When I was shot I was at my ‘perfect’ weight. I was happy with myself and felt good. I loved my body then, I loved what it would do and how it looked both in and out of clothes. I felt sexy, desirable, strong and powerful. What I was not at that time was thin, I was simply what I was happy with. My body was never intended to be stick thin, I have hips, tits, azz; I have a classic hourglass shape that was always intended to have some padding. I also have the calves and thighs of a dancer / runner, fuller and muscled. So that is where I was 23 years ago, before I was shot. I weighed in at about 155 lbs on my 5’5″ frame and it was perfect, despite not aligning with what all those stupid charts say I should weigh.

    After I was shot, I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t run, I couldn’t go dancing, I couldn’t go to dance class, I couldn’t go to the gym. I couldn’t do a damned thing I was use to doing. I didn’t change my diet, I still ate what I normally ate. I didn’t have a bad diet, I ate approximately 1800 calories per day. The problem was, I didn’t burn any of those calories and within a year I had gained 100 lbs. Yes, you read that right, 100 lbs.

    I still can’t do many of the things I use to do. It is still hard for me. For years I hated myself, hated my body. Hated the way I looked in clothes and even more out of clothes. I have lost some of that weight, but certainly not all of it. What I have lost though is my self-hate. I love my body, not for how it looks but for the spirit it houses, for what it can do rather than what it can’t do. I work to be as healthy as possible and remind myself every single day, what I have survived with this body.

    You are beautiful. You are strong. You are loving. You remind yourself you have not a damned thing to prove to anyone.

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