Triggered at doctor’s office, panic

Triggered at doctor’s today, it was big one. still coming back down to earth.

Had a good talk with Hubby last night, not feeling angry any more, I think we both recovered from the big fight the other day. That’s a relief.

Because I needed him today. I knew this trip to the dr would be stressful, but I didn’t anticipate just how much. I went to see an allergist for all the hives and swollen tongue from foods I’ve been getting lately. The questionnaire was difficult to fill out at home, and I’;m always tempted to leave off the truth just so I don’t have to discuss it. But I want to feel better, and so I answer questions about my sleep quality and depression history, even though I’m not sure it could be related to food allergies.

First thing nurse says to me is, “I’ve read your history and wow, you’re too young to have all of these problems!”

Really? Thanks. I feel so much better starting off with a dumbass judgmental comment like that.

I find out they don’t have the food allergy tests for anything I have been reacting to, like tomatoes, peppers, potatoes. They have all the usual pollens, grass, molds, dustmites, etc. I ask her is there any benefit to skin testing for specific pollens? We can all see I am reacting, that my nose is swollen and drippy, my eyes are red and itchy and watery, does it matter what it is – or will the treatment be the same.

That nurse looked at me oddly, and said well no, we’ll give you the same treatment no matter which ones you are actually allergic to. So I said if it is my choice, I prefer to be poked and itchy less than more, but I’ll do it if it helps your diagnostics and plan for me. She decided not to do it.

Then they went on and on about how congested my nose is, and I say a hundred times, yes it is, but you made me stop taking claritin for the last 2 weeks so it is much worse than usual. She keeps saying how great the nasal sprays are and I said I can’t use those, I either get headaches or nosebleeds, or the smell and taste is worse than the nasal symptom. They sent me home with 2 rx for nasal sprays.

Then they asked about GERD and heartburn, and I have a huge long history with that, and a treated ulcer, and I’ve been doing fine for a few years now. They are insistent that I have silent GERD and gave me 2 rx for heartburn.

Then they ask about my sleep, and keep digging and digging until I have to say about the PTSD and nightmares and pisspoor sleep quality. She recommended xanax and I said my therapist didn’t want me on anything addictive. I have a rx for xanax.

It was going ok with the nurse, she was quiet and gentle. The sinus xray was ok, I held off the triggers from the xray room and all of my medical trauma, mostly, by deep breathing.

When the doctor came in, I freaked out almost immediately. He had old man pants like my AF used to wear. And he was close talker. He came right in, invaded my space, held my hand way too long, inspecting it after the handshake. He said something about my fair complexion and sat down on the stool in front of me, with his legs so close they wrapped around mine. I was seated against the wall, I could not back up and it took everything in me to simply not die of panic. I wanted to scream at him to move back, but of course I said nothing and he babbled on about nothing new to me and drew diagrams of my nasal passages and made promises to get me feeling not just better, but 100%. I said I didn’t believe that was possible.

And then he picked up the light scope thingy and reached for my ear. And completely creeped me out when stopped way too long, he brushed my hair aside and kinda petted a bit, just staring at it, and saying “my what pretty hair you have”

I nearly vomited. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I stared at the poster on the wall depicting asthma to avoid looking at him and his old man pants. I started counting and intensely reading that poster to keep myself grounded.

Somehow I got through the physical exam, and this guy did not back up. And kept promising me the moon.

The only thing that made sense is that I am likely not allergic to any foods, but I am highly sensitized, we knew that right already, but I didn’t know it was related to sleep quality. So when doctor left, the nurse asked me some more about sleeping, and I explained how I was attacked repeatedly in my sleep and I still have a fear of sleeping. Her eyes got so big, but she didn’t say anything else stupid.Just, “oh, I see”

So here I am, I don’t want all these rxs. And I’m thinking screw it all and I won’t ever go back there. IF my GERD is back, I know how to handle that. I really need to stop eating so damn much at night time and lose this extra weight too. Maybe this is the motivation I need. I’ll do about anything to avoid all these meds. It took me years to recover from having my stomach acid turned off, years of zantac, prilosec, nexxium, protonix, tums, rolaids – ugh I’m not going back there and I don’t want to do that during cold/flu season, we need stomach acid to fight off germs.

At least Hubby responded to my SOS text and called me from work to help calm me while I was crying the van after the doctor. I just needed to release that fear and panic. His call meant a lot to me. I felt so stupid. I know I am safe. I know that doctor isnt going to hurt me, but telling myself that does NOTHING. My body starts responding and all I can do is try to control it and seriously not die. It feels like I am in mortal danger from the nice old doctor knee’s touching my knee.

Now I’m not opposed to taking meds if needed, but I need to try non medical solutions first. I ad no idea that my binge eating could be affecting my allergy and immune system and further reducing my quality of sleep. I’d have to truly hate myself to continue this self harming action, and since I dont hate myself any more I should be able to stop. right?

I so miss my regular therapist. I’d love to run this all by her. I will share with the new one, but I don’t trust her or value her opinion as much. I think she gave me bad advice in not sharing my true feelings right away with Hubby about that massage gift. I should have followed my 3 day rule and told him months ago how I felt. how stupid.


6 thoughts on “Triggered at doctor’s office, panic

  1. I haven’t even finished reading: Find another doctor. Find another doctor. Find another doctor.

    Finished reading.

    The triggers started the minute you had to fill out the forms and it piled up from there. I wasn’t even there and my heart is pounding.

    Trust yourself! You are smart. You know a lot. You are wise beyond your years. You’ve worked hard to earn it.

    “Nobody knows your body better than you do.” That was one of the first things my doctor told me, and I’ve stuck with him. He does not invade my space. He listens to me. His nurses are great. Find someone else if you possibly can.

    Food allergy test: RAST IgG ~ They draw blood and test for reactions in your blood. I knew about the milk and wheat (they don’t test for bran), but I learned about my allergy to eggs. Huge allergy to eggs. Didn’t know. However, once I went on the egg free diet, my feet stopped hurting, ie, I stopped feeling like I was walking on glass all the time.

    So glad things are in a better place with you and Hubby.


    • Yes I will find another doctor, and will ask more questions before I choose one. When I told them I was concerned about food allergies before I booked the appointment, well silly me, I thought they could do food allergy testing. I wanted the blood tests, because skin level tests do not identify all allergies since skin is not systemic. Sometimes I so wish I had continued on my pre med path, I’d be such a good doctor, except for having to talk to sick people every day. Eggs are difficult to avoid, good for you for identifying and being good to yourself!

  2. I agree with Judy that a better doctor would be better. Not only is this guy a bit clueless about boundaries, but I don’t think many of his treatments were appropriate. Not to mention, they didn’t listen to you at all. I also have tons of allergies and asthma, and my allergist would never DREAM of prescribing xanax for me (he is aware of my anxiety issues). The prescription is completely inappropriate, in my opinion. I think it’s irresponsible to prescribe something without doing a much more thorough evaluation (and it is unsettling that they didn’t listen to your response that your therapist did NOT want you on that.)
    All that said, in my research of all of this stuff, I’ve found that many issues like anxiety and PTSD can create increased inflammation that makes allergies and asthma worse. If you are feeling more triggered, it may also increase your symptoms. Also, if they get your allergies under control, it should reduce your GERD considerably (again, I am concerned that they threw so many meds at you at once, especially since you had zero symptoms at the moment.)
    For me, the nasal sprays are very ineffectual for most of my symptoms. I use a sinus rinse (like Neilmed) which seems to help more. I also have found that Claritin is not strong enough for my allergies, and that Zyrtec or Allegra (or the generics) help more. Might be worth playing around with it a bit. I’m NO expert, but I’ve had these issues for 30 years, and I hope to just offer my experience.
    In my opinion (for what it’s worth), is that this guy is old, out of date, and just tossing meds at you.

    And I agree that your therapists suggestion might not have been the best for you. These things have a way of coming out at the most inopportune times if we don’t mention them. In reading your posts, I’ve wondered if she’s helping you ‘manage’ difficult situations without really thinking about what you really need during this intense phase of healing. But again, those are just my thoughts.

    I do hope you feel better soon. Please take my comment and use what (if any) you can and discard all of the rest :). Cheering for you!

    • Yes this guy seemed to be old school and pushing meds. I also think it was completely irresponsible to prescribe so many meds to a new patient, and especially a highly addictive and mood altering benzo to someone with my history. I stopped arguing with them to just get out of there. It won’t be the first time I throw away rx slips.

      I take a double dose of claritin, morning and night during peak season and one dose rest of the year. it really keeps my allergies under control quite well with no side effects that I can see. zyrtec and allegra both gave me sleepy foggy dopey head. claritin is the only one that helps my eye, ears, nose, throat without the sleepiness or dizziness. I add a benadryl at nighttime if I have to be out in the forest or garden that day.

      I know that allergies worsen with stress, and I’ve seen it worsen with depression too. Our bodies work as a whole system, not just a runny nose detached from the rest of me.

      I was going to this doctor not for a runny nose complaint, but for a food allergy concern, that he was completely unable to help me with. I was told not to eat pizza, pasta, mexican, etc since I have had a reaction to those. I was hoping to identify if it was a certain pepper or spice.

      But I am hoping my frustration will fuel my motivation to change my night time eating habits, and the connection to sleep and allergies is fascinating too.

      I think you’re right about new therapist helping me manage the situation of the day and not thinking ahead, which is really what I need. But the thing is it really wasn’t that big of a deal, I wasn’t festering over it or anything, I had completely forgotten about it until hubby reminded me, and then because we were already fighting about something else, I threw it in his face in an unkind way.

      But – it felt really good to be angry. Authentically angry. I didn’t stifle it and let it play through me, it took about 3 days to fade and then now, hubby and I have completely made up. It was a ‘good’ fight and something we may actually need to do occasionally, because if we are both real and honest then we must disagree or make mistakes and hurt each other from time to time.

      Thanks for taking time to comment, I appreciate your insight and support!

      • I think it’s good to be angry sometimes….as long as it’s not harmful towards the other person (but believe me, this is a practiced behavior, one that I’m not always good at 🙂 ). But people are going to disagree, and just getting it out there is sometimes better than making it a whole process. I think with things like the gift card, they always come out in ways like it did (even if you weren’t angry, it seemed to me that it bothered you). If it didn’t bother you, it wouldn’t have made it’s way into the argument. I guess what I mean is it’s sort of “stored” fuel, and if you have a fire, all of the “fuel” can get ignited. Does that make sense?

        I do hope you’ll find another doctor. Food allergies are tough. I’m fortunate to not have any of those (but man, the list of environmental allergies is HUGE. And I happen to have in-laws who don’t believe in my allergies -like to their dog- and use it against me as reasons I’m “difficult”. That I don’t go to their home because I’m trying to keep their son from them rather than understanding that my asthma is allergically triggered by their dog and the four other dogs they allow to come for holidays.)

        My pulmonologist suggests to take the allegra or the zyrtec at night to help with the sleepiness, just in case the Claritin quits working (which by the way, did you know that antihistamines can quit working after awhile due to tolerance?)

        I’ve had some HORRID advice from doctors, many primary care doctors, who believe they can control asthma or allergies when they really have no real understanding of the problem. It’s frustrating. They don’t bother to understand the medications or the bigger picture….

        Good luck to you! I do hope you’ll feel better too. I truly do understand how difficult it can be. And man, I hope you can get back to eating Mexican and pizza. I’d be so bummed if I had to give those up. 🙂

  3. Jessie reminded me that my previous doctor didn’t believe in allergies. My current doctor became my current doctor because I walked in sniffling and sneezing and wondering if I had the world’s worst cold. He inspected me and told me, “It’s the worst allergic reaction I’ve ever seen. What did you do?” 🙂 He worked with me through the various meds. I hate sprays, too. They didn’t help, either. I find Claritin-D works best for me, and I use the Benadryl at night. I cut all pepper from my diet, and my insides are much happier.

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