Triggered at doctor’s today, it was big one. still coming back down to earth.
Had a good talk with Hubby last night, not feeling angry any more, I think we both recovered from the big fight the other day. That’s a relief.
Because I needed him today. I knew this trip to the dr would be stressful, but I didn’t anticipate just how much. I went to see an allergist for all the hives and swollen tongue from foods I’ve been getting lately. The questionnaire was difficult to fill out at home, and I’;m always tempted to leave off the truth just so I don’t have to discuss it. But I want to feel better, and so I answer questions about my sleep quality and depression history, even though I’m not sure it could be related to food allergies.
First thing nurse says to me is, “I’ve read your history and wow, you’re too young to have all of these problems!”
Really? Thanks. I feel so much better starting off with a dumbass judgmental comment like that.
I find out they don’t have the food allergy tests for anything I have been reacting to, like tomatoes, peppers, potatoes. They have all the usual pollens, grass, molds, dustmites, etc. I ask her is there any benefit to skin testing for specific pollens? We can all see I am reacting, that my nose is swollen and drippy, my eyes are red and itchy and watery, does it matter what it is – or will the treatment be the same.
That nurse looked at me oddly, and said well no, we’ll give you the same treatment no matter which ones you are actually allergic to. So I said if it is my choice, I prefer to be poked and itchy less than more, but I’ll do it if it helps your diagnostics and plan for me. She decided not to do it.
Then they went on and on about how congested my nose is, and I say a hundred times, yes it is, but you made me stop taking claritin for the last 2 weeks so it is much worse than usual. She keeps saying how great the nasal sprays are and I said I can’t use those, I either get headaches or nosebleeds, or the smell and taste is worse than the nasal symptom. They sent me home with 2 rx for nasal sprays.
Then they asked about GERD and heartburn, and I have a huge long history with that, and a treated ulcer, and I’ve been doing fine for a few years now. They are insistent that I have silent GERD and gave me 2 rx for heartburn.
Then they ask about my sleep, and keep digging and digging until I have to say about the PTSD and nightmares and pisspoor sleep quality. She recommended xanax and I said my therapist didn’t want me on anything addictive. I have a rx for xanax.
It was going ok with the nurse, she was quiet and gentle. The sinus xray was ok, I held off the triggers from the xray room and all of my medical trauma, mostly, by deep breathing.
When the doctor came in, I freaked out almost immediately. He had old man pants like my AF used to wear. And he was close talker. He came right in, invaded my space, held my hand way too long, inspecting it after the handshake. He said something about my fair complexion and sat down on the stool in front of me, with his legs so close they wrapped around mine. I was seated against the wall, I could not back up and it took everything in me to simply not die of panic. I wanted to scream at him to move back, but of course I said nothing and he babbled on about nothing new to me and drew diagrams of my nasal passages and made promises to get me feeling not just better, but 100%. I said I didn’t believe that was possible.
And then he picked up the light scope thingy and reached for my ear. And completely creeped me out when stopped way too long, he brushed my hair aside and kinda petted a bit, just staring at it, and saying “my what pretty hair you have”
I nearly vomited. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I stared at the poster on the wall depicting asthma to avoid looking at him and his old man pants. I started counting and intensely reading that poster to keep myself grounded.
Somehow I got through the physical exam, and this guy did not back up. And kept promising me the moon.
The only thing that made sense is that I am likely not allergic to any foods, but I am highly sensitized, we knew that right already, but I didn’t know it was related to sleep quality. So when doctor left, the nurse asked me some more about sleeping, and I explained how I was attacked repeatedly in my sleep and I still have a fear of sleeping. Her eyes got so big, but she didn’t say anything else stupid.Just, “oh, I see”
So here I am, I don’t want all these rxs. And I’m thinking screw it all and I won’t ever go back there. IF my GERD is back, I know how to handle that. I really need to stop eating so damn much at night time and lose this extra weight too. Maybe this is the motivation I need. I’ll do about anything to avoid all these meds. It took me years to recover from having my stomach acid turned off, years of zantac, prilosec, nexxium, protonix, tums, rolaids – ugh I’m not going back there and I don’t want to do that during cold/flu season, we need stomach acid to fight off germs.
At least Hubby responded to my SOS text and called me from work to help calm me while I was crying the van after the doctor. I just needed to release that fear and panic. His call meant a lot to me. I felt so stupid. I know I am safe. I know that doctor isnt going to hurt me, but telling myself that does NOTHING. My body starts responding and all I can do is try to control it and seriously not die. It feels like I am in mortal danger from the nice old doctor knee’s touching my knee.
Now I’m not opposed to taking meds if needed, but I need to try non medical solutions first. I ad no idea that my binge eating could be affecting my allergy and immune system and further reducing my quality of sleep. I’d have to truly hate myself to continue this self harming action, and since I dont hate myself any more I should be able to stop. right?
I so miss my regular therapist. I’d love to run this all by her. I will share with the new one, but I don’t trust her or value her opinion as much. I think she gave me bad advice in not sharing my true feelings right away with Hubby about that massage gift. I should have followed my 3 day rule and told him months ago how I felt. how stupid.