If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
That is the best word to describe how I feel lately. It isn’t that I’m feeling down, hurt, lonely. It’s like someone sped up the world a round me, like those time-lapse videos, and I am the only thing standing still.
I hate nothing worse than something on my calendar – every day. I feel rushed and hectic. I keep my kids activities to a minimum so I don’t have to run them across town every day. 1 sport/lesson/club at a time.
Mornings are good. we all know what to do, and most days I wake up before the alarm and feel awake and alive. That deep dreadful fog I used to swim through each morning is rarely a part of my life any more.
Days are good – just me home alone working all day. Many days I sit at the computer at 8am, and don’t realize I have been there all day long until the kids come home at 3pm. I don’t get hungry or get up to stretch, some days I dive in and only come up for air when kiddos come home.
And then the next few hours are tense. We have to do homework, sign all the folders and parent-teacher forms, make dinner or get takeout AGAIN, do some chores, try to work while watching kids do homework and deciding on dinner. If we have practice or an activity, we have to rush. And then we get there 5-10 min late usually, and then we have to sit, wasting time during practice, knowing the work is piling up at home.
Get home, check in at work, get kids ready for bed. Have they taken a bath? They say yes, but I don’t think so. Read bedtime stories, hugs kisses.
Back to work. tidy kitchen, check tomorrows calendar. watch TV, do I need a shower? Hope for sleep, but then keep myself up to delay the morning, enjoying my only peaceful hour of the day.
The nonstop pace kills me, and I have it scaled back as much as I can, and still be a suburban mom.
Thriller practice is done, we’ve danced many times and it was fun, but I love the empty spot on my weekly calendar now. Not having to rush about is more fun than the fun things I plan. Zombies were even hired to crash a fancy schmancy wedding – it was awesome! We came in and interrupted the couple’s first dance, all the guests were so surprised and cheering! Such an odd hobby I have, but it works for me.
Kids are overdue for dentist, orthodontist, pediatrician, swim lessons. 6 months come and go like nothing. I can’t keep up. I don’t feel bad about this, just stating the truth. I do what I can and it all seems to work out.
But I hate it. I hate feeling rushed and behind, overdue, late. I hate being in charge and making a million decisions every day, most of them inconsequential, many quite important though.
I keep stealing time at night to unwind, instead of sleep, and this comes back to bite me. Vicious circle. It’s ok – I keep going, round and round the circle, because that is what we do. I search for meaning, and come up empty.
Trying to tolerate my new therapist, not sure if she is helpful or not. avoiding that decision for now. next post will go into that.
Training a new dog, we adopted in a moment of weakness that I now regret. She’s a handful and adds so much to my already overfull day. Off to walk her again, or do some laundry, or clean my room, or mop the floor, or a million other things that need doing. No such things as a day off.