My new therapist asked me that question during our first meeting. I was unable to answer then. I am still unable to answer.
Daily life is weighing on me heavily. The challenge of the new job has turned to more frustration than excitement. I look for ways to enjoy myself and nothing feels right. Everything feels difficult and pointless. Yes, hello, we’ve been here before.
I’ve learned to control much of my anxiety. I’ve learned to suck it up, smile and do things I don’t want to do. Still trying to find the balance.
My daughter wants a sleepover birthday party. I’ve survived 2 of those now, so no panic this time, but instead I feel a hollow fatigue. I’ll go through the motions for her, but I wish she would’ve asked for a pony. I’d rather have a pony tromp though my house, it would seem less intrusive. The thought of all the preparations, cleaning, cooking, planning make me tired before I even start.
And this marks the start of holiday season – so many decisions. After some soul searching, I realized I do not miss anyone. Ever. This is not the same as hiding, I don’t think. Like I could tolerate a get-together, but I have no desire to attend one. I saw my mom and brother again this weekend, gave hugs, but felt nothing. I have this huge overwhelming desire to be left alone, like I have no social needs right now. This used to come with a feeling of intense loneliness and self-loathing. I don’t really feel anything. Is this improvement? or another odd mood I need to examine and dig myself out of? I want to opt out of all holiday gatherings but I can’t and I won’t. Why do I go?
I’m tired of examining and digging.
Kids were invited to a bonfire at the neighbors. I don’t understand this particular social activity. I don’t get anything out of staring at a fire. I don’t like my front too hot and my back too cold. I hate forcing a smile and laughter or faking concern as the other parents chit chat. I hate smelly smoke in my face, burning my eyes and lungs, making me cough and itch. I almost forced myself to go – to make an effort – and then I stopped and asked myself WHY? What is the point? I don’t like them and I don’t care if they like me. I don’t want to be friends or even friendly. I’m totally fine with the ‘Hey there’ wave from a distance. So hubby went to hang out without me.
Am I stifling my growth? or finally doing what is right for me?
We completed several of our Thriller performances for the season and sadly I felt no joy in it this year. Has the novelty worn off? It just felt like work. Like one more thing I have to do.
Today I had a day to myself to unwind while kids were at Grandma’s. All I’ve done is eat junk food and watch an entire season of Hart of Dixie on Netflix. Escape. I have no desire to do anything except escape my actual life. The sink is full of dishes, the laundry baskets surround me. But today they are invisible to me. Today I am just an empty blobby couch potato with no ambition, watching the clock, dreading how quickly time passes and that real life will return again soon.
Tomorrow I’ll see my new therapist again, get back in to the daily grind at work and housework, filling my day and late into each night with activities I don’t want to do.
So what keeps me going?
I guess its my sense of obligation to my kids. I am driven to give them a childhood I never had and hope they don’t grow up to be like me.