Big bad binge last night. Big bad morning today. Big bad news this afternoon.
But I am still going – just more slowly.
I spontaneously invited my brother and his boys to my house yesterday. He kept saying he wanted to visit, and I figured I’d feel safer if they came here where I’m in control. I haven’t seen him or my nephews for about 2 years, and they haven’t been to my house in about 4 yrs. so a BIG part of me wanted to do this, and my therapist said to visit on non-holidays to reduce stress and triggers.
Brother texts – Can Mom come too? I stared at that text, not knowing how to answer. I really wanted just him and the boys, that was enough. BUT my mom can’t drive down here herself and the torment of not inviting her would be so much worse than her presence.
— Whatever you want, either way is fine, it’d be nice to see her–
See I wasn’t sure if he wanted her or not and was trying to figure out if I wanted her, so I left it up to him. He brought her.
The visit was ok. We caught up on work stories, we both have new jobs. He seemed oddly happy, for someone being held hostage in his own house from a fiancée-squatter that won’t leave. I was glad to see his spirits so high.
Mom was good ole mom. at least I know what to expect. nothing horrible, really it was fine. I had a few triggering moments, but nothing too powerful. I was smiling most of the visit and thought I was relaxed.
So I was surprised at my BIG binge after they left. We went out to a restaurant and I cleaned my plate, where usually I can only eat half. then at home I wanted more. I cut up cucumbers and filled a bowl with them and a bit of lite ranch. I felt the pressure in my belly but the gnawing emptiness that comes from elsewhere grew. I wanted sweets now. I have not been buying candy and cookies, to limit my binge attacks – but I found the kids lunch cupboard. I had 2 fudge dipped chocolate chip granola bars, and 2 swiss rolls. Then I moved on to fruit, some mandarin oranges because the sugar fiend was still barking.
I fell into a restless sleep, and woke a bit later needing alka-seltzer, feeling bloated and ill. I had bad dreams all night, the run around chasing, doors locked, can’t scream dreams that used to plague me constantly.
I barely got the kids to school this morning, and then went back to bed instead of to work or to curves. I woke up just before noon and attempted to work, but nothing was making sense. I called my therapist and got the BIG bad news. She had to take emergency leave of absence – until about January, but they’d be happy to schedule me with someone else? Receptionist asked what my issues were, stress or anxiety? . . . . Ummm, I have too many complicated issues to name right now. She said no problem hon, I’ll give a call to your girl and see who she recommends for you.
Mental fog turned into mental storm. I’ve relied on her to keep me stable for over 10 years now. How could I possibly re-tell my tale to someone new? She won’t understand me. I’ll have to watch her grimace as she reads my file and recounts my horrific youth. Part of me wants to think this change could be good for me – a fresh perspective! But I’ve been doing so well, I don’t want anything fresh.
I just had 3 plates full of lasagna and I’m ready to run out for some candy right now, because the need is strong. my thoughts are frantic, obsessive, worried about ALL future events instead of my wonderful going from moment to moment balanced thoughts I’ve ben growing used to.
Did my family’s visit trigger this much in me, even though I didn’t feel it at the time?