Over my Head, or in my head

Feeling drained, no time to recover. Triggered yesterday by cardio nurse shocking me with EKG. I wasn’t prepared for it, and the room was weird, with the exam table facing the wall, not the door, so I felt insecure and anxious, and then I had to be there shirtless while the 2nd nurse in the room continued to ask my history and symptoms. I usually prepare myself and go to my mental happy place during shirtless procedures, and I was unable to do so with the other nurse asking away. Efficient? yes. triggering? yes.   So I know I have mentioned I hate going to doctors and avoid them until I fear I’m dying or something is truly interfering with my life. Having mitral valve prolapse has been a mild problem – avoid too much caffeine, feel weird heart beats jumping through my chest, high resting pulse. It was bad when I was pregnant, which is the last time I saw dr cardio, over 6 years ago. It is bad when exercising (I knew Jillian was trying to kill me) and I get out of breath, see stars, turn a deep velvety red in my skin everywhere, pulse goes over 200, and the nice old ladies around me are moving twice as fast with no problems. And then I had some full blown panic attacks, about an hour after an extreme workout. So I thought maybe it was time to see Dr cardio and get an echo like I’m supposed to get yearly he said, but well 6 years is close enough, right? I remembered disliking dr cardio, but after 6 years, it was a faint memory, and since I dislike most doctors, I thought nothing of it. By the 2nd insult with sneer, I remembered it all. This dr is an asshole.

He made fun of me, saying everyone’s heart rate goes faster when I exercise and that is not a reason to see a doctor and actually laughed like I was an idiot, or some hysterical woman worried about nothing.

 I said i was worried how fast it was, that I felt dizzy, and that the older women in class could keep up without as much difficulty at curves. He asked why I want to go to curves. I said I wanted to get stronger and lose weight. He said I would lose weight if I made better lifestyle changes, like being vegan. I said I was not interested in that, he asked why, I said I guess I like meat. He yelled at me then, and said what – do you thinks cows ere put on this planet for you to destroy?

I was so confused, I tried to get him to talk to me again and get out of this weird conversation.

When I said the heart pounding keeps me awake on the nights after I exercise, he asked if my husband ever noticed me snoring, and maybe he should send me for a sleep study.
I said I didn’t want a sleep study, I want to know if my heart is healthy enough to work out that intensely or not, and if the valve could cause panic. I said I don’t sleep well for many reasons the sleep study won’t help. He asked why and I said about PTSD and nightmares.


He actually said to me in a sick like oh poor baby whining voice- what happened, did someone pick on you or beat you up when you were little? I was so pissed off by this point I just looked him in the eye and said I was sexually abused by my father for many years.But that is not why I am here.

I asked if I need to monitor my heart rate and if 200 is ever dangerous, didn’t he want to check my valve since it has been 6 years – he said sure he can order any test I want he is happy for me to contribute to his son’s college fund

(there are some links but nothing conclusive about troubles with the autonomic system causing both problems, and a high occurrence along with scoliosis. I also read about some athletes having panic attacks after intense exercise, something about too much adrenalin in the system) I took his orders for the echo, and calmly scheduled a followup. Then I went out to the car and called hubby to let him know how poorly I was treated. Hubby said I was ‘stuck’ with this dr and just to do the followup. That really pissed me off. I am not stuck and I refuse to be treated that way. I went to the dr with concerns and questions and I did not deserve to be mocked and I refuse to be ‘stuck’ in any part of my life now. 6 years ago I didn’t know I deserved a real dr that listened and cared. 6 years ago I shut up and took his abuse. Now? I asked scheduling to give me another dr for the followup. Policy is I must send in a formal letter requesting to see a different physician. I faxed it instantly. Tomorrow is the echocardiogram, but I don’t have to see any drs. I do need to be shirtless, but usually this is darkened room and I can go to my happy place, and I actually enjoy watching the monitor and hearing the heart rate. As far as procedures go, an echo is an easy one. I don’t have the energy to talk about my work day. I will use my therapists favorite phrase – everyone I work for is cuckoo-banana-pants.  I messed up today, said things I shouldn’t have. Can’t unsay them. oh well. thank goodness I get to try again tomorrow so I can just write today off and throw it out.


5 thoughts on “Over my Head, or in my head

  1. The doctor shouldn’t be practicing medicine. He shouldn’t be working with people. Maybe he wanted to be a vet. More doctors than people want to know actually wanted to be vets, but getting into veterinary school is harder than getting into medical school. Congratulations on not smacking up side the head. You did awesome! As a matter of fact, God did put cows on the earth to be eaten and provide milk. Providing much needed food is not destroying. Mr. Smartypants may have been having a bad day, but it doesn’t give him license to verbally abuse anyone for any reason. Good for you for saying not just no but h*ll no to seeing the twit again. I question his ability to treat you properly when his attitude is clearly out of control. It was one of the first things I loved about my current doctor: He treated me like we were in a partnership for my health. I’ll never forget one of the first things he said to me, “You live with your body, every day, so you know it better than I do. What do you think?” Praying everything goes well for you. God bless.

    • I have such trouble finding good doctors. I know I am fussy, I want to learn, and like you said – have a partner I can trust and that will trust me. I personally believe God provided us all kinds of wonderful food, and that animals are a part of that plan. I have no problem with others that believe differently, but I have never hada doctor try to force his beliefs on me like that. LOL – yes I had some impulse control, there was no smacking. Interesting about the vets, I have also heard how hard it is to get into vet school. I think this guy was just an ass. He may be a good doctor medically, I have no idea, because I can’t trust him.

      • I don’t think you’re fussy. You’re intelligent and don’t trust someone simply because they’re an “authority figure.” Some authority figures can’t handle being brought down to the level of mere mortals. Yes, I’m feeling a bit snarky. I’ve worked for a couple dozen different doctors. I don’t mind the doctors who knew what they were doing and weren’t afraid to admit it. I have no patience for the doctors who treat their opinions like it’s the last word on any subject. My doctor’s attitude I know is based in his own desire to keep learning. He is on the cutting edge of his specialities and always interested in hearing about something new. I wouldn’t trust your doctor PREVIOUS doctor as far as I can throw him. Praying you find a doctor who is able to help you in a positive manner.

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