Feeling drained, no time to recover. Triggered yesterday by cardio nurse shocking me with EKG. I wasn’t prepared for it, and the room was weird, with the exam table facing the wall, not the door, so I felt insecure and anxious, and then I had to be there shirtless while the 2nd nurse in the room continued to ask my history and symptoms. I usually prepare myself and go to my mental happy place during shirtless procedures, and I was unable to do so with the other nurse asking away. Efficient? yes. triggering? yes. So I know I have mentioned I hate going to doctors and avoid them until I fear I’m dying or something is truly interfering with my life. Having mitral valve prolapse has been a mild problem – avoid too much caffeine, feel weird heart beats jumping through my chest, high resting pulse. It was bad when I was pregnant, which is the last time I saw dr cardio, over 6 years ago. It is bad when exercising (I knew Jillian was trying to kill me) and I get out of breath, see stars, turn a deep velvety red in my skin everywhere, pulse goes over 200, and the nice old ladies around me are moving twice as fast with no problems. And then I had some full blown panic attacks, about an hour after an extreme workout. So I thought maybe it was time to see Dr cardio and get an echo like I’m supposed to get yearly he said, but well 6 years is close enough, right? I remembered disliking dr cardio, but after 6 years, it was a faint memory, and since I dislike most doctors, I thought nothing of it. By the 2nd insult with sneer, I remembered it all. This dr is an asshole.
He made fun of me, saying everyone’s heart rate goes faster when I exercise and that is not a reason to see a doctor and actually laughed like I was an idiot, or some hysterical woman worried about nothing.
I said i was worried how fast it was, that I felt dizzy, and that the older women in class could keep up without as much difficulty at curves. He asked why I want to go to curves. I said I wanted to get stronger and lose weight. He said I would lose weight if I made better lifestyle changes, like being vegan. I said I was not interested in that, he asked why, I said I guess I like meat. He yelled at me then, and said what – do you thinks cows ere put on this planet for you to destroy?
I was so confused, I tried to get him to talk to me again and get out of this weird conversation.
He actually said to me in a sick like oh poor baby whining voice- what happened, did someone pick on you or beat you up when you were little? I was so pissed off by this point I just looked him in the eye and said I was sexually abused by my father for many years.But that is not why I am here.
I asked if I need to monitor my heart rate and if 200 is ever dangerous, didn’t he want to check my valve since it has been 6 years – he said sure he can order any test I want he is happy for me to contribute to his son’s college fund
(there are some links but nothing conclusive about troubles with the autonomic system causing both problems, and a high occurrence along with scoliosis. I also read about some athletes having panic attacks after intense exercise, something about too much adrenalin in the system) I took his orders for the echo, and calmly scheduled a followup. Then I went out to the car and called hubby to let him know how poorly I was treated. Hubby said I was ‘stuck’ with this dr and just to do the followup. That really pissed me off. I am not stuck and I refuse to be treated that way. I went to the dr with concerns and questions and I did not deserve to be mocked and I refuse to be ‘stuck’ in any part of my life now. 6 years ago I didn’t know I deserved a real dr that listened and cared. 6 years ago I shut up and took his abuse. Now? I asked scheduling to give me another dr for the followup. Policy is I must send in a formal letter requesting to see a different physician. I faxed it instantly. Tomorrow is the echocardiogram, but I don’t have to see any drs. I do need to be shirtless, but usually this is darkened room and I can go to my happy place, and I actually enjoy watching the monitor and hearing the heart rate. As far as procedures go, an echo is an easy one. I don’t have the energy to talk about my work day. I will use my therapists favorite phrase – everyone I work for is cuckoo-banana-pants. I messed up today, said things I shouldn’t have. Can’t unsay them. oh well. thank goodness I get to try again tomorrow so I can just write today off and throw it out.