My new job is testing all of my new coping and social skills. I’ve been taking baby steps for a while now to get socially involved in my world. My job is requiring flying leaps in to the unknown and setting off all kinds of triggers.
When I get anxious, I don’t like talking to ANYONE. My new job has required me to meet someone new every day, and to assist with students on the phone, both incoming and outgoing calls. The outgoing calls I feel more in control, I have all the info and I lead the conversation. When they call me, I have to listen so carefully and figure out what they need, and often what they ask for is not actually what they need, and then figure out how to help or find someone who can help. I jump every time that phone rings.
I’ve been asked to train employees in our overseas call center. I have never trained someone who grew up in the Phillipines before, from my dining room. It was really frustrating at first but once we worked out the tech issues it went well enough. Here is her typical reply to me
Yes, maam, please, yes maam copy that, yes maam thank so much please
Very polite but difficult to tell if she actually understand what I am saying until I ask her to show me.
Then I am quickly/barely trained on handling financial issues and processing loan docs and given a world of responsibility overnight. My inbox filled up with tasks that I had no idea how to do.
Then I am assigned new Bachelor program students to welcome and gather transcripts for analysis. One student attended school in Hong Kong over 30 years ago and needs to take TOEFL and CFGNS international accreditation.
They keep saying there is no training, I must learn by doing. I never thought I’d say this, but I met my max for new learning this week. My head was full, and the only way to make room was to cry.
I cried through each lunch break, and then got back at it.
I think I made a mistake by telling my boss that I was feeling overwhelmed, but felt like I should be honest. He seemed so disappointed in me, but he also made me feel better by saying “don’t stress so much, no one here expects you to know every answer, but we expect you to ask questions and figure it out, which you’re doing. Just do your best, no one here is perfect”
I felt so foolish, but so relieved too. My old job I knew everything. Everyone came to me for answers, it is so humbling and scary to have the least amount of knowledge.
I survived the week, and feel ready to try again. I faltered, but I never crumbled. I had so many emotional triggers, of feeling alone, unsupported, helpless, stupid, confused – but a little crying released the power over me. I am not obsessing about any of it for longer than an hour. I’m getting delayed, but not getting stuck.
I will try not to read too much into anything and just do the job and see what happens. So what if I need a Kleenex box next to me? If tears are required for growth, then I’m ok with that.