Letting go of mistrust and strings

After a migraine induced nap yesterday afternoon, I woke up in the best mood. I keep finding myself in this very comfy state of mind these days, where I am happy to be me. It is so foreign, and takes me by surprise every time still, but I am beginning to recognize it much more quickly, as it occurs in between the anxious thoughts. I seem to be settling on this balanced state more and more often, and only swinging through the dark and anxious places. They still exist, but instead of living there and visiting the good mood, I am living more in the good mood and only visiting the bad ones.

Once the visual aura was gone, and the head pain reduced to a dull ache, I awoke to my kids happily playing in the sandbox outside my window. Their happy voices drifting in to me like birdsong. I saw the clock and realized I had to sort out dinner, and that hubby was still gone, working late tonight. I wasn’t sure what to make when kiddos came in with an idea, could we have pizza and movie night since we had no school and work today? Yes that sounded lovely.

Pizza arrived just as hubby came home, with his arms full of a fresh bouquet of oriental lilies. He said they were too pretty to pass up. I have the same variety growing in my garden, but they won’t show their pretty faces outside until mid July if I remember correctly.

Now I have to document this here, but I don’t want to give this too much thought or power. I had some ugly thoughts and doubts rolling through my mind when I first woke up. I was attacked with a barrage of ugly mistrustful thoughts, like that hubby was not actually at work, was out at the bar, or even out with a girlfriend. My first thought with the flowers was not how pretty, but why are you giving me these? Do you feel guilty? It added on to my first train of thought. Then hubby was so distant, almost cold, because he was returning from over 12 hours of very hard work. He was smelly and tired and in no mood for hugs or talking. He was happy to see pizza, that he didn’t have to worry about dinner. He stopped for beer and also got the flowers, and my favorite ice cream.

I did not hold on to those thoughts. I let them come in and see me, and I quickly tossed them in the trash.

I can’t control the creation of these thoughts. I am programmed not to trust, and even more so when someone is kind and thoughtful to me. Now here is where it gets tricky though. I am also programmed that I don’t deserve good things, and that people are only kind when they expect something from me. So I was sadly confused that he offered me flowers and ice cream and wanted no attention or affection in return. He wanted to give me a gift for no reason and then go rest. This confusion had me feeling abandoned for a moment, and wondering what I did wrong. I hate typing this. I hate admitting this.

At least it only lasted for a moment. I acknowledged the feelings, and then let them go. I didn’t owe him anything, and he didn’t owe me anything.

I started the movie – Back to the Future – and thoroughly enjoyed it. It was the first time my kids had seen it, and the first time I had seen it in over a decade I think. I realized that in 1985 I was 9 years old when I saw it the first time, and how cool my kids were about that age now. I was a little uncomfortable with all the swearing in it, but firmly told my kids I expected them NOT to repeat those words, and gave them all the ‘I’m serious’ look. We also discussed movie stunts, and that no real bullets were used and no one was actually hurt or shot. And that if they ever saw a real gun, it could have real bullets, and they are never to touch it. I sneak in these lessons all of the time.

They finally learned the meaning of the word ‘awkward’ when Marty’s mom was flirting with him in the past. And when George punched out Biff for taking advantage of Lorraine in the car, well, I told them that is one of the times it is OK to hit someone, to protect someone else from getting hurt. They didn’t completely understand what was going on, but clearly knew Biff was a bad guy, and a bully.

They loved the movie so much that they asked to see the next one last night too. We had a sleepover in our own living room, kids brought down pillows and blankets and we stayed up til midnight watching the 2nd. I let them sleep downstairs together.

We watched the 3rd movie in the series today, they didn’t want to wait. I love that they picked up on the messages loud and clear, that you always have a choice to change your future – even without a time machine, it matters what you choose to do. Marty McFly showed this so well by finally not giving in when the creeps calling him chicken. It doesn’t matter what others think about you, you need to do what is right for you.

I had no idea so many life lessons were in these movies or how much I could enjoy watching them with my kiddos, seeing their surprised faces and pure joy when Doc was still alive each time, and especially when the steam train, converted into a time machine, sprouted wings and flew away – the were actually cheering out loud!

 

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4 thoughts on “Letting go of mistrust and strings

  1. Yes, those pesky, unpleasant thoughts so willing to make an appearance at the drop of a hat. Good for you for escorting them to the trash where they belong. You are doing such an awesome job. What a fun time!

  2. Love this! They are my all time favorite movies too. Thanks for the idea – I’ve added those to the list of movies to watch with my kiddos! I pray that you will be able to get to a place where, when your loving husband does nice things for you just because, you will just get a warm fuzzy happy feeling. I believe you will get there. I think you have a good man there and you are so aware of your feelings, that I think you will be able to do it and enjoy it thoroughly! Happy Easter!

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