Obsessive looping thoughts going round and round my head.I’ve been trying to start this post for days and I can’t get to the beginning of this loop, it goes by too quickly.
Obsessive eating fills my days and nights. Despite my extra exercise daily, I am gaining weight due to my extra eating.
Obsessive actions fill my day too. Checking email, checking blog stats, checking bank account, checking calendar, checking and re-checking.
Why am I here in anxious obsessive land?
I’m not entirely sure but I do have guesses based on the glimpses of thoughts I catch swirling by.
I am anxious about:
my job – still waiting to see what my new role will be and if I want it. I’m getting trained in many areas and have high hopes. Still waiting to see if they will hire my sis-in-law, and she is bigger nervous wreck than I am, and I have been comforting her.
money is tight – I make much less at current jobs than I used to, and then hubby was put on overtime freeze, and we had a huge city tax bill and I’ve been checking the bank balance to make sure everything clears. I already dumped my savings into checking so I don’t know why I keep checking, just to know I guess, nothing I can do at this point except wait til payday.
my mom – she did not sound good at all last time I spoke to her and I get worried when I hear such familiar notes of depression in someone. She is weary and tired and in pain and wants to retire but can’t afford to and wants released of the burden of caring for my brother with schizophrenia but she is the one for the job. I will never take that on.
my AF – Mom said he is in the hospital again and not doing well. I wonder how much of her recent bad mood is about this, as I’m pretty sure she went to see him. Her relationship with him is actually more complicated than mine at this point, her recent step out of denial has her on unsteady footing I think. I have no interest or need to ever see him again, I said goodbye years ago. But then I do start thinking about his inevitable funeral and how that will affect me and how I’ll have to prepare for a PTSD attack even though it should also bring some closure. And then I wonder, when he is gone, will I still have that gut reaction of fear when I pass a white haired skinny old man out at the mall? For a split second, I panic and feel weak, thinking he is there, he has found me. I know this is irrational, and that he could easily find me because I am not hiding, and he has no reason to find me, and if he did he could not harm me. And yet I still have that reaction, cold fear, some nausea, and I have to shake it off and recover. I imagine others see old men like that and think sweet thoughts about their grandfather or something, not a conditioned response to fear and obey. I find it odd that I have this response to men who like he does now, not how he looked when he was actively hurting me, but well I can’t explain everything.
Easter – Short on cash does not make easter basket shopping any fun. I love doing something new and special each year, but I also hate giving them loads of sugar.
My diet – my eating is out of control, completely, I’ve been eating bags of candy, big bags not fun size. and then I feel guilty for denying candy to the kids or skirting their questions when they ask where the candy went. or ice cream. or chips. sigh. I’ve resorted to eating secretly and hiding the empties deep in the trash can under the other trash – like an alcoholic hiding the beer cans. I’m trying to let this go for now, see if it passes, but it is getting harder not to hate myself and wonder if all the sugar is adding to my anxiety and brain malfunctioning. I know all of this, and even now I am thinking of my bag of jelly beans. (I love jelly beans!!)
My sleeping – sleep has been few and far between, racing looping minds don’t like to fall or stay asleep. I finished another Netflix series. I’m tired all morning, fight through it, and then now I don’t feel sleepy. Looking forward to Friday off to maybe sleep in.
I’ve been tapping my fingers obsessively too, a little tic type of habit I have done since I was a child, a form of self soothing I think. I tap and count my fingers, pushing my fingernails in to my thumb in a pattern that changes like 1234-1234-1234 or 1 234-1 234-1 234. sometimes I count super fast and staccato, sometimes slow and hold each number. Only 4 because I only have 4 fingers, I never count the thumb that I tap into. My fingers actually get a little crampy and my thumb gets a little sore from this repetitive action. Beats hand washing and lock flipping I guess.
On top of all this – I still feel strong. I still feel like me and that I’m headed in the right direction. I’m still drawing nearly every day, still exercising every day, and generally in a good mood, though patience was in short supply today. When I’m this annoying to myself I have little patience for others to annoy or repeat things to me, like little people saying, Mom, mom, mooooommmmm, mommmmmy, hey mommmmm. And zero tolerance for iCarly, oh my does that show bother me, even from the other room the anxious overdramatic nearly screaming voices are like fingers on a chalkboard. Shhhh, just shhhhh.