Which Me to Be

In my quest to be me
I am often confused
on which me to be
which me do I choose?

I’m tired of pretending
hate letting it go,
hate white lies, truth bending
Useless, infuriating status quo.

I’m supposed to play nice
Look the other way
get through it, some advice
hey – don’t ruin the day

I can’t help but to ponder
if more days don’t need ruined?

Would anyone listen, would anyone get it
if I told them my feelings
would it help? or would I regret it?
to send them all reeling
to shake up their worlds
to ignore social rules blatantly
let chaos unfurl?

What I’m proposing
has never been done
What I’m supposing
is it would be great fun

for me

to shed this nice girl persona
and tell them all

I think they are

childish
selfish
petty
whiny
negative
greedy
vindictive
callous
two-faced
lost souls

chasing nonexistent cheese in an unwinnable rat race!

Would they smile and nod politely
while inwardly planning to smite me?

Would they tell me It’s ok
while quickly walking away?

Would they shrug and ignore me
and stick to their story?

Would they express sorrow
for the girl without etiquette, that pitiful girl
would they forget me tomorrow
or burn my ears in the gossip whirl?

We all went to school, and some went to college
but some of us were taught to never acknowledge
what we see and we know and we think and we feel
For the sake of peace keeping, we must never be real.

So here is my conflict, for I truly do care
about the people in this world, everywhere.
But each step I take
on my healing path
shows a decision I must make
about moving forward, or going back

If I keep moving ahead,
must I leave the rest behind?
Find the strength to feign I’m braindead
play opossum with my mind?

My choices I have three, though none of them good
stay home, safe and sound, no need for attack
go out with my blinders and muzzle, like a good girl should
go out fists up and tongue sharpened, but integrity intact

cat-muzzle

blinded and muzzled (Photo credit: ikes)

—————————————————————————————————————————

This is my feelings about some upcoming social events I must attend. I know I am supposed to be happy to be invited, to feel joy in being together, to cherish the memories. But I don’t. I can think as positive as I want, but it won’t change the other people. I have to either stay home and avoid it altogether, which end sup hurting someone’s feelings that I didn’t come, or worries someone else and makes them ask questions. Or I can go, try not to get involved, ignore the nasty things I hear, ignore the negative energy, resist the urge to ask them why, resist the urge to steer conversation and just try to make it through the hours.

Or I can go and tell them the truth. No – I don’t like the same TV shows, I hate sports, No I didn’t think that commercial was funny, and actually I didn’t even see it but it sounds idiotic, Yes I am wearing the same outfit as last time because I only own two socially acceptable outfits for this type of occasion because I hate shopping, yes I hate shopping, so no I did not see that sale on shoes, and I have practical shoes, and enough shoes but yes your new shoes are cute, and no I have never been to a spa or had a manicure, because I don’t want people to touch me because I may get triggered and spiral into depression and have flashbacks of my abuse, and I would never waste my money like that but yes I think your nails are pretty and I don’t mind that you go, I’m happy it makes you happy, but I do wonder how you get any work done with pretty nails like that, mine would be worn off in 2 days I think, and yes I see that you are tired because you are so busy running your kids all around town being a better mom than me, from this event to that practice, no I didn’t mind the snow last week because I never went outside and my house is warm and it is actually very pretty, but the snow days off of school were tough because I work from home and had to keep the kids quiet while I was on the phone, yes I like my new job but only in the fact that it pays me, I’m afraid I’ll never be paid what I am worth and if I try for a promotion I may have to soul my soul, and I just put my soul back together so I really want to hold onto it for a while, but we basically have ennough money so it is working out, no I don’t like your new candle because it makes me wheeze and makes my head hurt, but the color is very pretty, and I would like to set my hair on fire and see if anyone notices and because the ER would be less painful than this conversation, and no I don’t think you have any right to complain about your husband who is a good man and trying his best and that you should tell him you are upset and work it out and not tell all of us, and no I don’t want to listen to how you think your sister-in-law is being inconsiderate because you should talk to her about it and not to me, and yes my kids all have good grades and are healthy, oh I’m sorry to hear yours is not doing well in reading, oh really your daughter got first place, that is great for her, oh by the way your kids are crying because the older one hit the younger one and the younger one kicked him back because all of the adults are busy having grown up discussions, and no I didn’t hear that your cat is on Prozac and you got a special device to shove pills down her throat 3 times a day, no, I’m not on prozac or any meds right, oh you take extra vitamins for your headaches, but you still have headaches, what a shame, I had a headache a couple of weeks ago, yes when I wasn’t returning your phone calls, yes I wanted to die, I was lying around the house wishing to die, no I’m not suicidal but I have been very depressed, PTSD flare up I guess, oh yes you are depressed too, because we have had so much snow this winter,  yes that is exactly the same thing, no that doesn’t trivialize my pain at all, and you should know older child is feeding off your bad energy and only cries when you are indecisive and make them think they get something and then take it away last minute, and yes I think you are crazy to let your 10 year old son sleep in your bed, and no I don’t care what kind of diet you created for yourself, but if it makes you feel better than yes I think you should stick to it even if it costs more money I guess, and no I don’t want to go camping with you guys, for so many reasons, but mainly I like to hike alone and listen to nature, not to be trapped in a forest with all of this nonstop talking, and sorry you don’t think I spend enough money on you, but I don’t equate love with money, and even though I am frustrated and don’t actually enjoy speaking to any of you, because I can’t help judging and wondering why you all care about these things, and why I don’t care, but I do actually love you all. But if it is easier for you to think I am quiet because I am sad and can’t get over my past, or even that I’m the crazy bitch, that is fine, because I don’t care what you think about me. I hope you find what you are looking for, if you ever slow down enough to think about it. Yes, have a good weekend, drive safe, see you next time and we can have the exact same conversation again, if I choose to come. I may not be feeling well that day. No, please don’t follow me to the car, I have nothing else to say. I’m fine. Good Night. I love you and and I’m so happy this event is over. Yay!

I wrote it without paragraphs because that is how one those events seem to me, nonstop chatter about nothing, and all the same nothings every time. I don’t get it.

I ache to be real, to be me, and find other real people.

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7 thoughts on “Which Me to Be

  1. You are doing great at being you……. You are doing so well at expressing yourself….. Give yourself the praise and credit you deserve. A huge WELL DONE!!!! to you……YOU are super ‘strong’ and super ‘coping’ and super ‘working so very hard on you’. I can only wish to one day be as ……super super…… 🙂 xx

  2. “which me to be” is so appropriate, because we have so many intricately layered pieces

    none of us are alone, and thankfully, all of us are a little bit crazy (in a good way)

  3. How about this instead?

    Don’t go if you don’t want to. This has been my choice for years. Unless it is work related and it pays the bills, I decline.

    I am uncomfortable in crowds, thus I choose not to be in them.
    I do not like drunks, thus I choose not to be around them.
    I did not like High School or 90% of the people I went to school with, thus I will never attend a reunion. Apply similar rule to college.

    If what you have asked me to do does not directly relate to my ability to earn a living, pay the bills, take care of my family or advance my career in some very real and tangible way my answer is a very simple, ‘no’.

    If I don’t want to do something, I simply do not do it anymore. I am a grown-up. I choose.

    Given you are married the above must be applied to your husband as well. There might be some ‘social’ events you should attend with him. However, they can be limited to the very important ones. When I was still married I never asked my spouse to attend events unless absolutely necessary and these were very few and with a great deal of advanced notice.

    • This makes great sense, and I am very choosy about which events I do attend now. I have been leaning towards the greater good scenarios as well, meaning I go if it means it will benefit myself, my family, or someone I care about it more than the discomfort it will cause.

      But this process is new to me, of having a choice, and I struggle to know how to make the best choice. I was actually writing about this for today’s post, so maybe you can share your experience and insight for me there.

      • My friend, I just did. But I will look out for your post and try to get over there more quickly.

        I honestly do apply the ‘does it pay the bills’ question to everything if what someone is asking me to do puts me in very uncomfortable situations, such as crowds or parties. Most of my true friends know me well enough not to ask anymore. Some of them (artists, musicians) will still ask to come to a show or opening, I will do this for them, I will even advertise for them. The know I won’t stay.

      • Oh dear I think you misunderstood, I meant no criticism there. I was trying to say what a happy coincidence that your comment came in while I was in the process of writing today’s post. It always me smile, and it also helped shaped today’s post. And that I appreciate your insight and being able to bounce my thoughts off of someone who understands.

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