So many negative thoughts pushing my head down. I’m full of fear and hopelessness, but also this edgy restlessness too. It is really uncomfortable inside me right now.
I realized I don’t want friends. Not real people that would call and stop over. I realized I push away anyone who tries to get too close.
Is this a fear? Sure, there may be a fear that I may start to need them or depend on them, and that they would leave me, abandon me like all my other friends did when times got tough. Safer to keep everyone out of my heart.
But another fear is my privacy. My need for a secretive life. I think I need to feel misunderstood. It is a part of what fuels me. I’ve never had a busy social life, just a busy life. Even though I was in many clubs, had many jobs, volunteered, etc I was there for the doing part, not the doing it together part.
Today I am wondering why. I used to wish for some girlfriends, like I had in high school. Someone I could call and chat about anything, someone to go to lunch and movies, and talk about boys and clothes. I started getting close to some ladies a few years ago, and have pushed each one away from me, saying to shopping or movies or dinner parties. They are still happy if I text them or hang out sometimes, but no one tries to get close to me any more. And I am relieved.
I think it has more to do with my fear of them needing me. I know that at times I need to withdraw and retreat into myself. I get very selfish at these times, as I try to recreate my purpose for living and simply keep going. I have not found anyone, except a few other bloggers here, that truly understand this. I don’t want them to come complaining to me about their day and expect a shoulder to cry on. I can barely be here for my family, I don’t think I can handle that from anyone else.
I avoided my sis-in-law’s calls when I heard she broke her leg, I just didn’t want to hear about her pain and troubles. She lives too far for me to be obligated to help, but I couldn’t even offer to listen.
My therapist told me to be gentle, and not force myself to do anything I don’t have to do. So I screen phone calls, cancelled yet another performance with my friends, don’t let my kids have friends over, and spend most of my time resting and icing my back.
I’ve had a headache for over a week now, like a pre-migraine with pain and aura, extra sensitivity, but not the pain I know it could be. The back spasms and twitches are a bit better than last week, but any twisting or bending starts it up again. I figured out how to line up multiple ice packs to cover my entire spine at once and found some relief that way. But then, like an idiot, I felt cold and shivery too, so I had a heating pad on my tummy. I felt ridiculous, but it worked.
I had a terrible morning today, did not want to be up with the kids. Hubby is back at work and I have no buffer. Every time I think I have everything all set the night before, each morning gives me surprises that my sleepy/grumpy brain can’t handle. Simple things, like we are out of the jelly for PBJ sandwiches so I have to hear them whine. I can’t handle whining right now. It feels like knives piercing my skull. I either have to go numb and make no response at all, or I get angry and snap at them. I get so impatient for them to just grow up and leave me alone.
I don’t want to be this type of mom. I want to explain to them why I am acting like this so they know it isn’t their fault. But what to say that would make any sense or wouldn’t make them worry?
My daughter asked me today why I make them be so quiet in the morning. I was thinking, “So I don’t want to hit you” but just told her what I always do, “mornings are hard for me, I’m still tired and slow”
I’m keeping my head up above these negative thoughts, but just barely. I’m so afraid that one big stress will suck me under if these little bitty stresses cause so much havoc.
I don’t know if I need more rest, more time, or if I need meds to get rid of this terrible feeling I have. Not ready to jump on the antidepressant train, with side effects and withdrawals so terrible. I’m not sure they are the answer anyway. Still fighting that everything is pointless feeling. I think I need to find the source of that and squash it once and for all.
I had some time alone this weekend and did feel better, got in some exercise so maybe just more time resting. But I hate waiting, I feel like I need to be doing something, anything, to keep fighting, to change something. I’m no good at treading water, the thoughts are so heavy this way.
Maybe I just need that helium balloon hat to keep my head up. Or a brain transplant. I’ve been looking into neurofeedback and other therapies. Maybe it is time for something altogether different to get out of this loop. Or that is my desperate way of looking for an answer that doesn’t exist. Deep in my heart, I fear that is true. That I will always be battling myself, my own worst enemy. Always keeping everyone away, always slipping under the water.