Nothing Feels Right

Feeling like Goldilocks, except I went to the wrong house, no baby bear here, and everything is too hot or too cold, or too hard or too soft. Nothing is just right.

I keep soul searching for reasons. Is this depression? Do I need meds? Am I sleeping? Is there a singular cause or many? Is there no cause at all? Is this a natural cycle of who I am? Are there extra stressors in my life? Why do I always come back to this? Is there something really wrong with me or is this just me and I need to accept it? Do I need to try harder to make changes or go with the flow here?

Are they irritating or am I irritable?

What do I want?

I want to withdraw completely from the world. I want everyone to leave me alone. I don’t want to make any decisions. I don’t want to listen to anyone. I don’t want to be in charge. of anything. Maybe I want a chance to be the child I never was. Will this always haunt me? Will I ever feel grown up?

I have found some relief through watching TV alone in my room. I turn out the lights and escape into the TV fantasy world. I am aware my kids are roaming the house and I respond if needed, but mostly they are fine this way. Better than fine actually, because I’m not asking them to do the daily chores. It takes too much energy and patience to monitor them these days.

I am still exercising 30-60 minutes daily. It is a habit now and something I look forward to. When that wii fit timer dances after 30 minutes, I feel proud of myself for doing something right.

I am still working every day, and didn’t even have that urge to call off work today like I did all of last week. I am grateful for that, grateful one part of my day does not require the inner battle of will.

Despite my best efforts to be grateful and think positive – I feel like a dark foul stench. And I don’t even care. I want to own this ugliness and accept it as part of me. Maybe it is time to look directly at it, sit in it, and get comfy instead of perpetually trying to squash it and battle and change my thoughts.

I am just so weary of doing the same things every day here. Once in a while I feel like Sisyphus and wonder what the point of my life actually could be. I am so sick of washing the same dishes, same laundry, same dust bunnies. I do not look forward to 50 more years of this.

I am so ashamed to admit how many of my thoughts lately actually wish for a terminal illness for myself. See, this isn’t quite the same as suicidal thoughts, but pretty close I guess. I would never take myself away from my family, I know now that I am loved and important to them. I will do everything in my power to give my children every chance at an amazing life. But, there remains a part of me that doesn’t want my own life. I have played out entire fantasies in my mind of me fighting cancer and dying as a brave hero, remembered as this amazing person my kids could be proud of. See I want out. I always want out. Even on the good days, even when I feel happy, loved, or joyful, there is always this part at the back of my thoughts that say it isn’t good enough, no point, too hard, too much pain, why am I here, why am I doomed to be alive? (sorry hubby, I know this hurts to read, but I realized I have been sugar coating my reality for you in this blog. I need this blog to be real, since it is the only place, here and therapy, that I am allowed to be me)

Sometimes I wish I had no children, less responsibility, maybe a trust fund and a house full of waitstaff to cook and clean and manage the tedious tasks. I would fill my time volunteering, traveling, and getting multiple PhDs, maybe giving speeches about my latest research.

Sometimes I wonder if we are born with this innate wish to survive and love life, that I do see in my own kids and even in hubby. Sometimes I wonder if my father took that away from me at so young an age that I simply can’t get it back. I can pretend for a while, but it always slips away. It just isn’t in me. My first suicide attempt I was in 5th grade. The age my daughter is now. I sure hope the thought has never crossed her mind.

Sometimes I wish I was born in a different era, where things were simpler and slower. where I didn’t have nosy neighbors. where my kids didn’t expect expensive electronics and classes and teams. Where I could get on my horse and ride as long as I wanted. (in my fantasy I don’t have a bad back and would be strong and pain free)

Sometimes I wish I had schizophrenia like my brother, so I could be left alone and no one would tell me to try this or that. Everyone accepts who he is and doesn’t try to heal him. They applaud him for his good days. They don’t pressure him to fit in. No one expects him to be social. I want out of my expectations to be ‘normal’. I want to stop trying to be normal for everyone and have them accept that I am not, without all of the guilt if I do excuse myself from a social situation.

Sometimes I think about my future with so much dread I actually cry. My pain is so high now, my energy is so low now, and I am still relatively young. How much will I endure when I am older? Can’t think about that too long, or hope slips away.

Sometimes I wish I was born an animal or an insect, or a flower. Free from these thoughts and just live the life I was meant to live without questioning it.

So I start my regimen of positive thinking, silencing those thoughts, finding something to enjoy or distract myself, enlist help from supportive people in my life, and keep going. I make plans to keep myself busy. I look around for ways to make changes in my environment, thinking it may help if I try something new. But those are only temporary bandaids, and always, I return to this dark place of wishing I could be released from my life. I have no plans to end it, being very clear on this, I am not in crisis. Some where I have this hope for things to be better, but I don’t always believe in it. Like I am waiting for it patiently, trying to make life better, not giving up, changing what I can. Being a good girl – always.

I’m so tired of explaining this to hubby and in laws over and over again. Tired of hiding it from everyone else. They want me to be ok, it is so easy to overlook my unspoken thoughts. And I’m tired of hurting people when I do speak them. I am full of hurtful thoughts, nearly constantly.

This is me. Nothing feels right, but I guess this is as good as it gets. I will try to be grateful and find moments of joy in what really feels like a Bill Murray Groundhog day life.  (so many people loved that movie – I hated it!) Because I do find moments of joy, and sometimes the happiness slips in to fill the void. I just never know if I should simply wait, or if I need to be actively changing and trying to get back to it.


17 thoughts on “Nothing Feels Right

  1. Wow. I hear you. I feel every ounce of this. That wanting out. Not truly suicidal but wanting a Mac truck to slam into my car. Trying to drown out the thoughts with busy tasks. Trying to pretend things are fine for my husband. Hugs my dear. Big hugs.

  2. I think you are too hard on yourself. Recovering and continuing on day after day can be extremely (understatement) exhausting. Some times the best thing to do is slow down and let yourself simply be in the space that you are in. It takes so much work to put one’s self “out there”, it is o.k. on some days to simply say “enough”.

  3. How… funny… odd… I just finished the post for my writer’s blog, and it’s about live in faith or fear… I’m feeling so out of sorts. I realized that my PTSD is a life-sentence from my abusers. I want to be snarky, but I don’t think that will be helpful. I’m tired. I want to quit. If I quit, they win. As I read your post, I kept thinking, “We need to run away together for a vacation. We’ll go someplace peaceful, and we can each do what we want to do and not worry about stepping on toes or triggering ugliness from the past.” Since it isn’t an option, I have a deadline my publisher has kindly extended for me and I’m still behind, I’ll tell you that you’re not alone. You’re not weird. You’re not crazy. You’re struggling to learn how to be healthy, and it is never easy. I try to remember the quote about it always being darkest before the dawn, so I’m counting on that dawn coming. It won’t last, but it will let me take a breath and remember I’m headed in the right direction, even if I feel like I’m traveling in circles. I’m not. Praying for you.

    • I’d love to run away with you! We could bring all of our favorite books and trade them with each other. Imagine if we could actually have a break? I can’t begin to imagine what that might feel like honestly. Thank you for saying I’m not weird or crazy. Not sure I believe it right now though. I do look forward to the next dawn, since I know it will come. This place I’m in right now is somewhat familiar, but also somewhat new to me. Meeting my therapist tonight, she’s going to have an interesting hour, that’s for sure.

  4. Praying for you. We are in a weird time right now as the planets are not in the right line (according to my psychic sister). Upsets all energy; especially for those of us who are highly sensitive anyway. My best advice? Treat yourself as a baby…hold those difficult thoughts as you would a sweet little one. Coo to yourself, rock yourself, be as kind as you can. Don’t try to figure things out…just be. however it is. you are ok right where you are, right as you are. Maybe fit in a session with your therapist. Anyway…you are in my thoughts.

    • The planets? Well, that is something I haven’t thought of as a cause. Not sure I believe in that, but not I don’t either. Maybe I could distract my brain with learning about it. Good advice. I have been babying myself, in between being a mom I have to be my own mom. Not trying to figure things out? Ya, that’s kind of impossible for me, that is what I do. It consumes me to think and analyze. I have never simply ‘just been’. A good goal though for sure

      • Check into MBSR (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction). My life was changed after I went through the 8-week program. It’s a stepping stone to mindfulness and learning how be. Mindfulness is a practice which we continue to practice throughout our life. There is no end and no perfection. I want to learn more about planets, signs, astrology, numerology, zodiac. Some people think it’s “of the devil”…I’m not one of them. It’s all very interesting! Hope things are looking up for you!

  5. I am wondering if the long winter doesn’t have something to do with your current funk. I know weather often causes me to spiral downward. When external forces are uncontrolled, that is outside of our control it is very easy to blame ourselves. You have had a great deal on your plate outside of your control, remember you did really well, handled the problems really well. Go back and read what you wrote.

    • The weather no doubt is part of it. I struggle this time of year every year, but it doesn’t make it any easier knowing this. I know I did really well handling my sick kiddo and all the hospital stress. But it was so hard, and I just can’t shake this feeling that I don’t ever want to go through that again. My main thought right now sounds like a teenager whining about homework – I don’t want to do it, you can’t make me. That’s how I feel about the daily tasks right now. My kids are wearing the same pants to school again, I’m not sure the last time they bathed, pretty sure my daughter did not brush her hair today. I can’t keep track of all those little things for them, and I don’t even want to try right now. But I am all they have in the morning, hubby is at work. Usually I send them to Grandma’s for a weekend when I feel like this, but she is dealing with her own stuff right now. I don’t know how to get a break.

  6. ” I don’t want to do it, you can’t make me.” OMG…that was me for part of January and February! I hate those whiny times but they happen. It’s all part of who I am sometimes where everything is an effort. I try to manipulate all the factors, and it just is. Most of the time I can live with it, but sometimes I need to be reminded by my therapist that not EVERYTHING is due to SAD, Bipolar, or PTSD traits. A lot of what I go through is just plain being human. I can live with myself lots better when I can actually remember that fact.

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