Every once in a while, I am aware of this new feeling. It isn’t overwhelming, so it is sneaky and slips into my consciousness without me noticing at first.
I’ve been feeling happy.
Yes I have identified this new feeling as happiness. A soft feeling of being content. A lack of stress, anxiety, and depression. It isn’t as powerful as joy or excitement. It also isn’t neutral like the peace of meditation. It is like a cool breeze over a sun warmed back. It is gentle and lovely.
I had no idea that my previous job had me in a constant state of stress. I knew it was stressful at times, but I had no idea it had such a hold over my entire being.
Even with my stressful start to the New Year, even with some of my youngest kiddo’s health concerns still unknown, I can feel the distinct lack of stress. I don’t need as much painkillers. My mind is not getting stuck in those obsessive mental loops. Thoughts are free to form, swirl and twirl, and grow and develop! My creativity is soaring, and I’m expressing that creativity in so many ways now. I am drawing, or planning a drawing, nearly every day now.
I have lost weight for the first time in over a year and a half. I am spending at least 30 minutes on wii fit plus(doing the hard stuff, not the the quick games), nearly daily. And I look forward to it, because it makes me feel good.
I have so much support from my family, and I am learning to trust that. Even my mom is being amazingly supportive, which I can’t trust completely, but I think this past year changed her as well.
So many people now know my history, and I still get to be a part of the family. They don’t hate or pity me, they just understand and love me anyway.
I know I will still have bad days. I know I will get through them. Panic and fear no longer own me, and I no longer think my PTSD is something I have to remove. I have accepted where I am, and although I am always changing and growing, I no longer seek a cure.
I’m OK. And sometimes I’m happy.
Bring it on 2014!