Every where I go
Still awake at three, five and ten
eyes glistening once again
with candy and TV shows
Sorry – The Christmas Carols are in full force around here already.
Yes it is November. (sarcastic yay)
Time to start the yearly battle to keep my sanity while I try to keep going. Time to increase my self-control measures to avoid biting off anyone’s head. Time to watch entire series on netflix instead of sleeping. Time to abuse my pancreas and my liver with over indulgence of every sort. Time to feel irritable and frustrated as the norm.
I have not slept well, ever in my life. But it gets so much worse this time of year. I sleep for about 15 minutes, and immediately enter a dream, that shocks me back awake. The shock then keeps me awake and unable to sleep. If I try to just lay quietly, my mind starts racing, and my heart too, and so I turn on the TV to distract myself and hopefully fall back asleep at some point.
Interestingly, I used to blame this weird sleep/dream cycle on zoloft, but I have been anti-depressant free for many years now and it still happens to me this time of year.
I have tried light therapy in the past, but gave up on it because it made me feel worse. Sitting at the light makes me nauseous, nervous, edgy and unable to function most of the day. And still unable to sleep at night.
The only thing that helps me is eating. I hate that. I keep doing it because it keeps helping, but then I feel so guilty and weak and disgusted with myself. But I’d rather be a bit overweight than out of control. I have zero patience with the kids, and even though I hear myself saying nasty things, I can not stop them, I can only leave the room. I hate that part of me. I want them to feel loved – all of the time – not just when I’m having a strange moment of calmness.
I’m going through the motions and have not withdrawn from people or events completely. I stay home when I can, and force myself out when I must. The play performances are this weekend and I should be excited to see my kids on stage. But I’m not – I’m just not. I’m happy for them, happy they are having fun and getting this great experience, but I am struggling to share it with them. The thought of being at the theatre all weekend, surrounded by other families does not make me happy. I hear every squirm and whine and whisper in the audience, and I swear I smell every person there. The play itself is tortuous to me. I hate admitting this. The kids are cute and doing their best, but waiting for them to remember the lines and the slow pacing of the play kills me. And then seeing it 4 times, ugh. Am I a terrible mom for not wanting to sit through this? The other moms are so excited each time and take pictures every 2 seconds and laugh at the jokes like they haven’t heard it 600 hundred times in rehearsal before. The music accompaniment is terrible, they use this techno organ setting on the keyboard for some unknown reason – though I do like when the kids all sing, that’s always cute. Also my mom is coming to see the play. I don’t think this makes me too nervous, but there is always an unknown with that.
I’m off to see my therapist today and see what else she may recommend for me. I am so anxious to be stable and peaceful once and for all. I can’t accept that SAD and PTSD may rule my life forever. I want to be in charge. I’m hoping the paragraph above is a reflection of my illness, and not really how I feel, but then what is the difference really, as to what causes what I feel when it is how I feel? See, I am struggling right now.
I fell asleep during a meeting yesterday, luckily webcam was off and I was muted so no one knew. But times like this I think I am crazy for ever thinking I can handle a ‘real’ full time job. As much as I dislike my current job, I am so blessed to have it.
I have been reading – another way to pass away the late hours when I can’t sleep – and also found some evidence that PTSD itself can cycle. Especially related to traumatic events. I’ve been wondering if I experienced something more traumatic this time of year and I just don’t remember what. My brain is such a mess, I just don’t know.
I need to stop thinking and start some doing, but my brain is winning these days, and my body is losing big time. But the thought of the treadmill just makes me want to cry, since the task of the shower is so difficult right now. Skipping the shower again so I can drive myself to the therapist. I make these choices every day because I can’t do it all. Stupid brain. Stupid PTSD. Grrr.