Drinking and Speaking Freely

I have some friends that I can go pub hopping with occasionally, and the last time I went, something amazing happened. Again. I love these girls.

We were considerably buzzed and found ourselves in a Denny’s at 1am, needing pancakes and chicken fingers. We were talking about random stuff, when one friend told a story about her dad. It was something cute, something sweet that I can not relate to whatsoever. He is a nurturing, supportive dad that actually looks out for her. She may as well be talking about Santa Claus or unicorns, because I have no frame of reference for parents like this.

Apparently the beer buzz made me forget to shield my face from showing the pain, frustration, and general crappiness I feel when others discuss their amazing parents. One of them noticed, stopped talking, and said, “What?” I said “Oh, nothing, just my father is a major a$$hole and has never done anything like that. Your dad is so great!”

And then my heart raced and I felt a little sick. Did I say too much? Will these friends abandon me now like so many others?

But she didn’t even pause, just said, “Ooo, that sucks. Yes my dad is great, don’t know what I’d do without him” and went on to some other story about “shark-nados” some terribly bad show on SyFy.

I was still a little worried after going home that I had said too much, too negative, too soon.

But it has now been almost 3 weeks, and those friends are still calling me, and if anything, we’re a bit closer now. I don’t know. Maybe she always felt this close and the change is only on my side. I always feel like I am holding back a huge part of me when speaking in these small social groups like this.

It felt fucking amazing to let it out. And more amazing still to have this part of me known and – drum roll please – accepted.

I don’t think I’ll ever share more details than that with them, just doesn’t seem to need it. This is enough.

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7 thoughts on “Drinking and Speaking Freely

  1. I think you will find as you learn to trust yourself you will learn you can trust others. There may be things you never share, but in time there may be things you no longer feel you have to keep secret from those you feel closest too. Remember, what was done to you was not your secret to keep, you did not do these things you were the child victim and you are now the adult survivor or as refer to myself the Victorious.

    • This is definitely about building trust. And although I understand it is not my secret to keep, I have had way too many people disappear from my life once they know the truth. I have not attempted to tell new friends, and will go slowly for sure. I also think maybe age is helping. My fellow 20 year old friends back in the day I think were quicker to judge me than my new 40 year old friends that have lived a bit.

    • I bet you are right, but we never think about what others might be keeping inside. I always think I have the worst story, or I’m the unusual outsider. So this thought, although sad, is a bit comforting. Thank you.

  2. I find more courage to speak freely when I have a few drinks in me too. Sometimes I think that the lowering of inhibition can be a good thing. Your friends sound good people…I’ll bet they would accept you even if they knew the WHOLE story. At least, I hope they would. I know I’m not a real-life friend but one of the things I respect most about you is your emotional honesty. ❤ You just keep being true to yourself. xox

  3. And I’m sure that they still have no idea how much of an asshole he actually was. They probably just assume he was like a lot of other dads who yell or ignore their kids or whatever. If you ever do decide to share the details, I hope they continue to support you. My bet is that they will. 🙂

    • No I don’t think they have any idea, but I don’t think the details matter. I also doubt it would ever come up, we don’t usually talk too seriously, mostly just laugh together and try to forget our stressful week. I think you may be right though, that they would support me.

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