I have some friends that I can go pub hopping with occasionally, and the last time I went, something amazing happened. Again. I love these girls.
We were considerably buzzed and found ourselves in a Denny’s at 1am, needing pancakes and chicken fingers. We were talking about random stuff, when one friend told a story about her dad. It was something cute, something sweet that I can not relate to whatsoever. He is a nurturing, supportive dad that actually looks out for her. She may as well be talking about Santa Claus or unicorns, because I have no frame of reference for parents like this.
Apparently the beer buzz made me forget to shield my face from showing the pain, frustration, and general crappiness I feel when others discuss their amazing parents. One of them noticed, stopped talking, and said, “What?” I said “Oh, nothing, just my father is a major a$$hole and has never done anything like that. Your dad is so great!”
And then my heart raced and I felt a little sick. Did I say too much? Will these friends abandon me now like so many others?
But she didn’t even pause, just said, “Ooo, that sucks. Yes my dad is great, don’t know what I’d do without him” and went on to some other story about “shark-nados” some terribly bad show on SyFy.
I was still a little worried after going home that I had said too much, too negative, too soon.
But it has now been almost 3 weeks, and those friends are still calling me, and if anything, we’re a bit closer now. I don’t know. Maybe she always felt this close and the change is only on my side. I always feel like I am holding back a huge part of me when speaking in these small social groups like this.
It felt fucking amazing to let it out. And more amazing still to have this part of me known and – drum roll please – accepted.
I don’t think I’ll ever share more details than that with them, just doesn’t seem to need it. This is enough.