I seem to be transferring my mental anxiety into my body lately. Although this is allowing me to function more, less foggy days, more productivity, it is causing me painful body aches.
I didn’t mean to do this. I didn’t mean to take the mental pain and put it into my muscles. But I have to say that physical pain is so much easier to handle, so maybe this was a good transition.
Instead of getting mentally stuck, my neck is stiff, my back is sore, my legs are cramped. I’m trying to work out the physical stress now through stretching, icing/heating, massage, and general activity. It feels better to move cramped up muscles than to sit still, so it gives me motivation to move my body in the form of pain relief.
I’ve also been falling into the trap of ignoring my body though through disassociating. I’ve always had this ability, learned from chronic abuse and pain, to survive. Ignoring pain may sound like a good idea or a great skill, but I seem to ignore everything – all or nothing. I’ve been ignoring hunger/full signals, sleepy/awake signals, touching/aroused signals, even needing to urinate signals. Now some of these are related to my spinal cord injury, I often have trouble with signals from the waist down. But they are completely gone lately, like my brain says “no more signals – I’m busy in here”.
So I have been forgetting to eat/overeating, sleeping in weird patterns and times, pushing away or not enjoying touching of any kind, and getting urinary tract infections from holding too long.
So today, my family has gone camping, without me and without guilt. I plan to get back in touch with my senses by tuning back in and
being mindful. I’m going to turn on loud music and dance around the house. I’m going to watch the clock and take note of my bodily signals. I’m going to do some pilates and yoga and listen only to my breathing.
Then I’m going to paint a study piece with all the fantastic new paints that were delivered to my door yesterday in preparation for my upcoming art job. Today is all about me, putting me back together, so that when my family returns they can have all of me and I can genuinely enjoy those hugs they give so freely.
- Meditation is an intimate act of getting to know oneself (beyondmeds.com)
- Meditate while moving – gardening, cooking, walking, etc… (beyondmeds.com)